PierArch: Story for comic...maybe soon a 3D film/show

#1

NOTE: Updated.

Hello everyone,

A friend of mine and me started to write this story earlier this year, with plans to create a comic book. We have only wrote the first issue for different reasons. First, we are not sure if it is good enough, and we want to know if it is. Second, we didn’t want to keep writing untill we started in the process of production for the first issue. But, we got to chracters already or some of them. We are thinking on maybe creating it a 3D comicbook, my friend isint sure about this because he does not know where we are going to get the people…But I know there are people out there willing to volunteer for some experience. But anyways, we just want some of your opinion on the story. We will post the “main” part of it…or what I like to call the “theme” or “introduction”. Depending on your feedback we will know what to do with the story. If we decide to create a 3D Comicbook, we will need modelers and animators. So let me know what you think of the story(as a reply), and if you are interested in working with us (volunteer) contact me at yeyeman9@gmail.com . Here it is:

"Story Background:

On the future, were game consoles such as the Xbox and PS2 are OUTDATED and computers systems such as Microsoft and Mac do not exist. Comes the new playing/work system called CWIYB (Created world in your brain) [Gotta make up something Cooler… or at least that falls under the COOL category]. This sytem is of hub-like structure and creates images in your head. There is also a portable one(Which is the thing that ****s up)…

And one day, a group(3-5 people) of friends meet up to play this awsome new MMORPG being released through the CS-Net. They all bought this new Portable CWIYB and hook them up to start playing. They all land in this whole new, different world as the archetypes they chose (Warrior, double blade knight, wizard, and an unknown type given away randomly to 5 players (This be the angel type) ). As they start playing, they notice this shadow running about away from a city. He was holding some kind of chip. They thought that he might be an Admin or a GM… but they kept a close look.

They went running after him. Soon they were all warped to an area that looked old and rusted… (2004 Computer mainframe ^_^). On top of a small tower, they saw this shadow. He glanced at them and with this chip, a portal opened. Through the portal crawled this monster, unknown by all the players and the monster database. Soon they realized that the game system was being hacked and infected with a virus.

They tried fighting it off but nothing worked. So, evidently, they started running away. THe Virus went to the Database center of the game and just before he could do something, the game’s defenses activated. What they didn’t know, the virus was made for that purpose. The portable CWIYB disconnected themselves from the game and hovered off to the distance. Thousands of P-CWIYBs joined and merged creating this portal, similar to the one the Virus crawled out. OUt of this portal, monsters, plants, people, houses, even worlds came out.

Everybody still hooked up to the game was sucked inside and spit out, but they were different… They had merged themselves to the players they created in the game. They still looked the same… only knowing how to control it would allow them to fully transform into this ass-kicking war machine.

Now this groups of friends decided they had to help the world. They joined and went on a journey that will decide the faith of the world…"

Thanks for your time and most of all thanks for reading the story. I will apreciate your feedback a lot! Thanks!

Cheers and Best Regards,
Yeyeman

#2

Any feedback? It will be apreciated. Thanks.

#3

Common people…even a one-word-feedback is good enough.

#4

It has a slight hint of Dungeons and Dragons (the cartoon) to it. Not sure how you would tell the story or what exactly would happen from story to story but i am sure you have more of an idea to it.

I know this is a rough draft but i think you need to tidy it up a bit so people can visualise the story a bit better, you will get more chance of hooking some interested parties that way. Like i say i am sure it’s a good enough concept but at the moment is all seems a little vague for me to get sucked in.

Hope that helps and good luck with it.

#5

yeyeman9, your story has the makings of a comic easily enough. I’m not sure about a 3D film (there’s a lot of stuff to pack in there for a first time attempt at a film), but if you had a big enough group you could do a series of animations. Personally, I’d approach the comic book idea first. If there’s enough interest in the comic, you can generate a film from it. Also, you can choose what does and doesn’t work in the comic to translate into the film.

Now, the idea you have is a bit open and vague with several elements of other films. However, I think if you approach it correctly, you can put your own stamp on it and do something different from these other works (Lawnmower Man, Tron, Nightmare on Elm Street 5, etc.). I think your biggest hurdle right now is getting people sucked in based on the explanation of your concept. You should really flesh this out more and maybe show the rough outline of the first episode/issue.

I don’t know if your interpretation of the idea is good enough for purchasing or creating, but I can tell you that you have to approach it correctly to have a chance. All that being said, keep in mind that I’m a writer, not an artist. I’m approaching this from a feasibility and entertainment point of view, not a possibility angle.

That help?

#6

It indeed help. Thanks for your replies. We will work on the outline for the first issue, so you guys can read it. We don’t want to post the complete first issue for copyrights issues and stuff, you understand :).

#7

First post updated (first paragraph).

#8

Alright yeyeman9, again, take this from a writer and not an artist. I’m able to glean your idea from your description and I can picture certain aspects of the story. I think the 3D comic is a good idea for a starting place too.
And you’re right about getting people to help you out, there are volunteers if the idea is good enough. I understand your reluctance in putting the entire idea up here for safety reasons as well.
However, your write up and introduction is broken and is going to turn readers off. You really need to arrange your words and work on your spelling, grammar, etc before posting a call (when you get to that time). The difference between getting help and not relies heavily on getting faith in those that will help. If your story doesn’t seem well thought out and arranged, you’ll have a harder time getting people involved.
I suggest you rewrite your intro (or get a writer friend of yours involved to at least help you out) and then present it for requests for help. It’s hard to submerge yourself into your outline because we can’t disappear into the story. Again, said from a writer’s point of view. Artists may think entirely different, but I doubt it.
That being said, good luck with your project and keep going at it. Victory is only an effort away.

#9

hey there

here is a bit of info that might help you out, i got this link from some of the info on the script writing forum.

http://www.wordplayer.com/columns/wp01.A.Foot.in.the.Door.html

have a read at that and it will give you a better understanding of script writing. The thing i found most relevant to this case is that fact that you lack the trust to put your idea out there but you are willing to give us the concept for free.

If you put your story out there then it’s yours if we like it then we will jump on board, it doesn’t pay to steal a good story and rewrite it for our needs, because we only end up with a second class story and a possible legal battle :). However a concept is a different idea altogeher and you leave it open to interpretation. I think your best bet here to pull people into the project is to write your story/episode. Let people read it and feel they have a interest in it, if you don’t let people into your world then they will never feel they are part of it and won’t want to make the effort to create it.

I hope that makes sense and i look forward to the story.

Cheers

#10

Thanks man for your feedback. It really is helping us out. As you know we are currently working on a better written introduction to post it here. Thanks once again.

#11

I’m sorry for keeping you guys waiting so much. Here’s the New and Improved PierArch Story. Hope you guys like it ^^

Story:

On the future, where game consoles such as the Xbox and the PS2 are used for coffee tables and companies such as Microsoft and Apple no longer exist, comes the newest game and working system released by SynTek called Swinder. This so called Swinder is a computer system that handles almost any type of software and can be used to play any game of any console available at the time. It creates an image in your mind so you do whatever you think in it.

One day, upon it’s release date, every kid is waiting impatiently for the stores to open. And we come across our main characters, Diro, Zahira, and Paderau. They are waiting desperately on the line, but something seems to be troubling them. But, before they could figure out what it was, the gates to EG Realm are opened and every kid in the section bursts inside and buys a Swinder. As soon as Diro and his friends go up to the counter, the Swinders are all sold out.

Totally depressed, they are on their way to their homes but they spot this vehicle, EG Realm delivery vehicle on the road beside them. They think they might hitch a ride and take some Swinders for themselves. So, they jump in the back and enjoy the ride.

As soon as they arrive to the company factory, they hide and spot a few boxes with SWINDER written on them. They go over, break open the crate and take three Swinders just before any guard could spot them.

After a long walk back, they return to Diro’s house and start babbling about what they just did. After finally stopping the argument, they hook up the Swinders to each other and enter the net. As soon as they start using them, they receive a direct message offering them a game called Dymension Net. They obviously accept the offer and start downloading it. Zahira still believes something is wrong, but Diro and Paderau ignore her completely. As soon as the download is over, they are taken to Dymension.Net@SynTek to register.

After they finish, they all fire up the game and start creating their characters, each personalized to their liking. (The game is an MMORPG were you play yourself. Much like dot.Hack.) Now, inside the game, they all start up in different areas, so their first mission is to meet up in-game. After some weeks of play, everything was going perfect, Swinder sales were off the charts and gamers couldn’t be happier. They meet other people from other countries and make new friends and complete missions together.

One day, glitches and bugs are constant. They become curious about these happenings and start investigating. After hours of searching, they come across this shady character. They try conversing with him, he answered with a warning then runs off. Diro chooses to follow him, against his team’s wishes. After come miles of trying to keep up with him, the mysterious character disappears. Diro, Zahira and Pad walk slowly around where he disappeared. They soon get sucked inside a portal and appeared in an area that looked old and rusted, ancient in a way. Inside, they spot the mysterious man conversing with 3 others. Diro tries to get closer, while Zahira and Pad stay behind. He trips and they are spotted. They shout in some weird language and some type of portal is opened and a creature crawls out of it. Pad jumps forward and pulls Diro out of there and starts running out of the place, away from the creature. They get teleported back to the desert from where they came in and the creature behind them.

When they finally arrived to Deveel City; it seemed as if the code of the game had been corrupted. Everything was deformed and no one in-game could logout. They looked back at the city’s entrance only to find this weird creature breaking in. From it’s legs, some type of ancient code was spurting, like a virus, corrupting the game.

When they had nowhere else to run, the coding finally touched them, and when they were fully covered with it, they were back at Diro’s house. They took a glance at each other, and noticed that they still looked like their characters in Dymension Net. They quickly ran outside only to find that their world, the real world has been changed thoroughly into Dymension Net.

They search for signs of life in a feeble attempt to prove their thoughts wrong. But soon they realize that the game has become reality.

The world has been manipulated and now an unknown enemy rules the land. What will happen to those still on the world? What happened to those that were connected? Only time will give us those answers, but how much time we have?
No one knows.

#12

And that is it. Let us know what you think, thanks a lot for your feedback and it will be apreciated :).

#13

Hey guys, the story is better developed and gives quite a bit more information which is a big plus. However, you’re still going to need to develop it into a format animators/illustrators will recognize.
I can’t tell you how many people want to read a relatively clean and complete version of a story before joining up for a project. I think you’ve done a good brainstorming job and I know you’re sharing it to get sparks of interest, but I don’t think you’re at that point just yet.
Then again, it’s the holiday season and maybe people just aren’t reading the threads as much right now. I’m hoping for the latter for you guys.

Good luck!

#14

Much better than the first post keep at it. Since your initial thoughts were on possibly creating a comic you may want to story board/comic a summary of this first episode arc you have. Read it and re-read it to see if its missing something or is there anything that can be added to create more conflict. Also recommend develop the characters why should we root for them. What makes us like them. If this is a quest will they be transformed personelly. Think of Merry and Pippin from LOR. At the start of the movie they were somewhat irresponsible theives but as time and the story went on they were transformed into passionate thoughtful characters. My hats off to you guys you are working on the hardest part. It will not matter what medium you use if you have a good story. This is the most important piece so take the time to make it the best you can. Good start and good luck.

#15

Thanks a lot guys, I’ll see what I can come up with. Really, this has been really really helpful.
I’ll talk with Yeyeman about it. Hopefully for the next post we will have what you guys expect.

Again, thanks a lot and happy holidays! ^^

#16

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