ThinkStory,
Your efforts on this post are inspirational. I hope you can squeeze in some critiques for my 2 minute shortfilm entry for a contest here on CGtalk! Truthfully, I’m new to screenplaying so I hope you can rip it apart to help tell the story better!
Let me know, and I’ll post the short script ASAP!
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cheers,
Matt
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Hi guys,
I’ve had general idea in my head for a few months now and given the lack of work over the last few weeks i’m trying to realise this project but only have an outline/feeling of the story i wish to tell.
Apologies, this description will be very inconsistent, weak and incoherent.
It’s a short animation that lasts around 10 minutes.
The settings base on a space station orbiting earth some 300 - 500 years in the future. It’s all very clean and mono, imagine 2001 space odyssey for visual style.
For reasons unknown (to me that is 
the station is pretty much a ‘ghost town’. No human life in sight. The stations still working, 100% power etc.
The main character is a female utility android.
The reason for the station been uninhabited isn’t really important at the moment, i just need a fully functional space station without any people.
Our little character has a battery life of 100 years (this can be any length really) but the basic idea is that she is very near the end of her life span, maybe her main power source has died and now she’s running on reserves. (very little time left)
For the last 100 years (or however long) she’s remained stationed in one spot awaiting orders maybe. During this time she’s been stood in front of a looping video (or it could be a few photos/pictures on a wall, not sure) that shows earth; beautiful mountains, oceans etc … During the time she’s been looking at this she’s developed a love for the earth and a desire to see it (something she’s never seen) and decides against all her programming that she wishes to see the earth with her own eyes before she dies.
She soon meets a little robot that follows her through out her little quest.
Anyway, jumping ahead she reaches the top of the station where there’s a giant viewing deck, (imagine a semi spherical glass bubble) the viewing deck is closed (imagine an iris that opens and closes around the bubble) her body stops working as she comes into the centre of the viewing platform, though her visual senses are still working so she can still see for moment.
Our smaller friend comes into the scene, he’s presented with a choice, use the battery on her to bring her back alive, or use it to activate the iris so she can see the earth before she dies. I need a device that forces the second option, but the first option conflicts because he could simply use it on her to bring her back alive then find another way to open the iris.
I was also toying with the idea that when she does eventually see the earth, it fractured and dying. But at the same time i want it to be beautiful and blue. (problems)
So that’s really vague. The basic idea is that she develops a strong desire to see the earth before she dies/expires, she then makes her way through the station to find the earth, or a point from where she can see it. So she can see it with her own eyes.
This need fleshing out and developing so much, there’s many holes and problems, like how can i make it so she can only see the earth from one point and if she’s a service droid on the station then surely she know how to get to the viewing platform right away.
Ok, this was all thinking out aloud, back to the drawing board i think
Edit: Wow, i just read the above post, no similarities intended
as MattVogt menttioned,
“Your efforts on this post are inspirational.”
Thanks man, I feel that cooperation between mankind is still true.
I´m student at london animation school CSM, and writting last project, 1 min animation.
I have to be based on a painting of the national gallery, I choose the “the execution of maximiliano” by manet.
The painting
but I´m having dificulties to do the story, and when I saw this amainzing post I imagined you could help-me. Thanks.So far I got this:
It´s about the stupidy of war and prisioners execution.
A couple of soldiers getting alingned to execute a war prisoner. The general looking to checking the soldier´s position turns and walks to maximiliano and say:
Gen- you are going to be executed for war crimes
.do you have anything to say?
Max- I did it for my country
General turns back, walk to the soldiers looking in theirs face and see a tardy soldier arrinving,
General starts the last count:
Gen- All marks
.
The last soldier try to get on his mark, but he´s kind of muddled, having problem with his uniform, helmet. He´s definitely late. He trip and lean on the next soldier
Gen SHOOT
.!
Gen _ Ahhhhhhhhhhh!
The soldiers missed the shot when the tardy soldiers lean on then and killed the general and one bullet breaks the chain of the prisioner. the prisioner escapes.
FIM
I wann make ridiculos about war and stuff,
It´s a min character animation, my goal is to make a good character animation. If you could give me some advice,
Thanks very much
I just did a very rought thumbnail. I Hope it helps to understand.Sorry about my poor drawing skills, I gonna make the storyboard much more detailed, wanna key the lights as well.
Thinkstory-
I completely agree on working on a few stories at once- I’m not the greatest writer but I’ve got a few ideas I’ve been kicking around for CG (solely as a personal hobby whereas work is mundane, repetitive robot projects- suppose that’s why it’s work) I’m in no hurry to finish but would like to see some progress- My problem is that I get my stories jumbled as I frequently come up with stuff while driving and have seemed to’ve gotten off track on my primary storyline at this juncture.
Basically got plot/theme/character ideas down with some sketches and brainstorming-
Would like to get to the storyboard stage-
Basically futuresque story (Childern of Men comes to mind) of a compassionate inseparable couple (foreshadowing so the audience is aware)- then comes the gray area whereas I’ve got more ideas throughout the entirety and the general denouement down- Want to incorporate some sort of event that splits this un-splitable pair without completely tarnishing their compassion towards eachother- Basically a vibe of star-crossed lovers (Romeo and Juliet) comes to mind-
During their separation (or not- whatever works)
Got a scene involving the female (of the pair) shooting up and from the point of origin black silhouette spiney rose pattern shape grows across her body (sim in appearance to a tattoo) as a symbol of her falling- (Mary Magdalene comes to mind). Then some sort of traumatic accident happens to the male (vehicle accident- no why or how yet- Akira comes to mind but not from being chased maybe from going to rescue or reacquaint with his love) and he gets thrown from his vehicle onto the pavement and while sprawled across the pavement on a hwy (injured but not severly appearing- like no eyes hanging out or anything grotesque) what appears to be sort of an angelic figure rises like a ghost from the ground before him (for some reason an alien shaped figure comes to mind with wings) and he looks up to it and it speaks in tongues to him- Then he blacks out-
He ends up in some sort of hospital (maybe a VA if he’s a vet but definately early 20s) and he rips out his IV and what not and leaves (night time- nurses might try to stop him, whatever)…
He begins to feel a rejuvenated sense about himself (heightened senses which is another gray area- superpowers of some sort maybe but not impervious or invincible- telekinesis, telepathy etc) like he’s some sort of savior, jesusesque (although he’s not)…
Was putting around the idea that he rises to some sort of Royal stature or power (more like dictatorship which is how she begins to realize he’s abusing his gift in someway) (Caesar comes to mind)
gets reacquanted with the chick from earlier and he kisses her and as he does the black image on her bady fades away (symbol of cleansing)- something happens and she realizes that he’s changed but not for the good. (gotta figure out why they haven’t reacquainted already)
Need some villans or someone to pit him against for maybe revenge purposes. perhaps ppl they know from earlier or something that tainted her or pissed him off- Rave club scene comes to mind with loud pumpin techno and evil humanoid/demonic figures within with buggin eyes piercing at him as they dance upon some sort of stage- he stolls in- he kills them for whatever reason perhaps revenge- using basic powers maybe some weapons (semi matrix but definitely not all goth and not too sim) Crow comes closer to mind but still not as goth.
has a showdown with a boss of some sort maybe a friend of his that could’ve been with him during the accident and affected like him but not exactly the same whereas he turned completely evil. futuristic Car chase with a Bourne Sup feel comes to mind.
and in the end I was thinking of her killing him by stabbing him in the chest (not cuz she hates him- more to release him from what he’s become- or is plagued by, that sort of thing) she’s crying and everything when she does it- pan tilt zoom away from the scene in an aerial/overhead shot) evening/night time maybe raining-
What do you think? Images are my strength whereas I got some great visual ideas but the storline is avoiding me to a degree. Any assistance is welcome and greatly appreciated.
Saltiva-
She could get the “Tattoo” as a sprawling inking reaction from shooting up something like
heroin in her butt cheek. And her boyfriend could reach his “BOSS” schizophrenic other self
as a result of the accident. Telol you more if your interested.
OK, here I go with some big-picturey stuff before going into the details:
One of the first lessons we always hear about in story writing is the whole
beginning, middle, ending thing. We should change this. Yes, stories should be
MADE UP by those 3 parts but JUST breaking up a series of events into an intro,
climax, and conclusion does not MAKE IT a story…or at least a meaningful one.
First lesson about story development is that there should be some reasoning
behind the story. No, not theme (I always feel like I have to point that out, always
afraid people might think I’m trying to say every story needs to be all educational
and stuff which is not true). Reasoning behind a story simply means there is logic,
purpose to the flow of the story. Which also means you should have an idea, early on,
where your story is going and why it’s worthwhile taking your audience there.
Because when the credits roll, you want your audience to feel it was worth it
–it was a good, thought out piece of work.
So keeping that point in mind, here’re some detailed critiques:
everlite - Good post cause this one’s actually more like the typical work questions I
get. You have some flaws in the story and that’s usually where I come in. First thing
with the robot not knowing how to get to the viewing platform, this really shouldn’t
be a problem if you do a good setup for the story. If she’s supposed to be performing
some duty inside the station then she shouldn’t have the programming to come out or
move away from her work area.
One thing you may want to consider for her character is to make her something like
an Earth tour guide. Imagine if this isn’t a station orbiting Earth but some kind
of human space ship in the future that’s heading back to Earth. Perhaps it got lost
and was abandoned in space and, many many years later, it’s finally reaching
it’s destination. The robot is an Earth guide/expert inside the ship. She stands in
front of a large screen which plays a looping video that introduces Earth to new
visitors. She’s fully programmed with facts about Earth and all it’s beauty but
she’s never been outside that little theatre room let alone seen Earth itself. So
when the alerts come on that Earth is close by, she feels compelled to take a
look. Setting up the story this way may add to the loneliness and motivations of
your character and the style to the story.
As to the second character, the smaller robot, I’m not sure it’s necessary. I think
it’ll take focus away from the first character. Especially since it’s a short piece and
just having another robot show up might cause some confusion to the audience.
And the idea that she is using her remaining batteries to see the planet can be
self explanatory so you shouldn’t have to elaborate there.
But the big question with the ending is what do YOU want the story to be about,
where do you think it should lead to? I think I understand where your trying to go
but not sure if you know where that is quite yet. The point is less on if she actually
sees Earth and more about what she would do to see it. So after all these years, the
machines are about to expire, the ship is running out of fuel, they’re about to reach
Earth, what lengths would she go to see it? Perhaps you can show her making her
way pass the dated ship, flickering control lights, other falling/expiring robots, as
she struggles to make her next step to reach the viewing platform, but does she get
there and does it look beautiful as she imagined, as the looping video showed?
This is really your call, because THATS your reasoning behind the story…just
make sure it was worthwhile for the audience when the story gets there.
dmca - In terms of a comedic story, there isn’t much that needs to be critiqued.
But just make sure that if this is for a school project, there isn’t a criteria that
states the story must align with the painting. I think it’s OK that you got your
idea FROM the painting but not BASED on it since the general is obviously behind
the firing line in the art piece.
Saltiva - Indeed, you have a visually strong idea but it does lack some story value.
Going back to my general comments about giving reason behind a story, if you had to
step back and rethink about where your story starts and leads to, would you have
designed anything differently?
A good place to start or question to answer to get you going with this is what kind
of story do you want this to be? Is it a romance, drama, horror, thriller? A
combination? Which combination specifically? Yes, it would be cool if the story was a
combination of many things but you should be able to identify “mainly” which one.
One of the differences between making a visual and making a story is that
often you can add something to a visual as long as it looks cool but that doesn’t
always work with stories. Visuals are about stuff, color, shapes, and things that
make the mind think and be curious. Stories involve paths and steps, decisions and
motivations that makes the mind understand and relate. In stories, we often have to
explain ourselves a little. There needs to be some kind of central point where the whole
story revolves around.
As an example, if this is a romance drama, elaborate more on the characters’
relationship. You mentioned they were supposed to be inseparable, show how this
moves the story, how it impacts their decisions and actions. Give it value and
significance. One way to test for significance is to ask yourself, can you remove
something from the storyline and still have the story work pretty much the same?
Could you have just started out with them as regular lovers and he became a bad guy
and she kills him to save him and still have it work? If it doesn’t really change the idea,
then it’s not significant enough. So MAKE it significant, MAKE each event matter in a
story. And once you’ve figured out what the story should revolve around, that’s
when you’ll know which concepts to keep and which ones to change and
which ones will be worthwhile telling.
MattVogt - Of course you can post your question! When you do, can you also
post the contest criteria so I’ll know what rules the story will be evaluated against?
ThinkStory
roger ThinkStory - thanks mate, this is exciting… First, I will get this last revision up to par before I post.
Talk to you soon!
Matt
Thanx first of all for your input and assistance- I know this takes time. Action/Thriller with an underlying romance. I’ll try and narrow down my story to flow along one plot line- that’s what I meant by having multiple ideas and jumbling them all up.
Originally Posted by ThinkStory
dmca - In terms of a comedic story, there isn’t much that needs to be critiqued.
But just make sure that if this is for a school project, there isn’t a criteria that
states the story must align with the painting. I think it’s OK that you got your
idea FROM the painting but not BASED on it since the general is obviously behind
the firing line in the art piece.
ThinkStory,
first thanks for your reply,
i tryied to extract somethingf of this painting, the story is not based on, because in reality they kill the prisioner and there isn´t the general figure, I just want to have a short sotry for a minute animation.
I don´t think I have start,…climax would be when the general dies and the prisioner escapes,and the reason would be the stupidy of the war prisioners.
anyway, If you say that there isn´t anything to be critiqued in terms of a comic story, I´m happy.
Thanks
I´ll post the storyboard I´m nearly finished.
thanks again
Hi ThinkStory,
I’m working on a 30 second CGI short starring a small toylike robot named “Jules”
This is what he/it looks like:
http://img253.imageshack.us/img253/8630/julestitledml6.jpg
The main theme is “Robot as Metaphor of Man”
So for this first 30 second clip my idea is “Indecision Is A Decision”.
For this short run…Jules is walking in what seems like a totally white room.
Then he sees a battery (or other “attractive” item) hanging by a string suspended seemingly on air.
He looks at it and maybe tilts his head a bit the way a baby might look at toys hanging
over his pram.
He walks around moves like he wants to get it then hesitates.
Then He simply shrugs and leaves.
Then there’s text: “Indecision Is A Decision”.
Interpretation: The main idea is that even when people remain in a state of indecision about what to do. They are actually still deciding. They’ve decided to do nothing.
This is actually more for 3D practice using an armatured actor for me than an actual
story, but feedback on this would be nice.
P.S.: And yes, I know it sounds a bit like a Public Service Announcement. 
Thanks.
Alright ThinkStory,
I hope you don’t mind me posting the entire script. It’s orignally intended for a “2 minute short film” contest here at CGtalk, but unfortunately I seem to be the only one showing interest. Therefore, I will do the best I can regardless of the deadline. I’d prefer to grow creatively opposed to snaking shortcuts to win a contest… Nonetheless, the contest’s topic was “cute girl”.
Hope you like it, and please keep up what you’ve been doing (rip it apart)!
Synopsis:
[left] In the nearby future, a robot designed to feel emotion has lost his human companion, owner and lover. Struck by loneliness, the robot created his own reality of desolation. Sinking lower into depression, he finds a picture of his previous owner which sends him into an out of control spiral of obsession. Thinking he's solved his problem by building an equivalent lover, his inner and outter worlds grow darker as his creation falls apart in his hands. Looking for a fix, he becomes haunted by her. Fueled by his obsession, the hauntings lead to his demise.
[/left]
[left]EXT: VIEW OF A USER MANUAL ON A ROCK
[/left]
[left]The world is barren, desert like. The sky is overcast and an unsettling storm is present. The wind blows pages of a tattered user’s manual. The first couple pages reveal the credits, film title then product information regarding a ROBOT (seen in background on a cliff). Detailed diagrams and feature lists outline the robot’s design as a companion to humans. Included, a warning that, in rare cases, desolation mode autostarts after prolonged periods of isolation. Tucked in the back of the instruction book, a half torn picture of a girl with a metal arm around her neck. The wind takes it up…
[/left]
[left]EXT: VANTAGE POINT OVERLOOKING A DESTROYED CIVILIZATION -- DAWN
[/left]
[left]A robot sits on a rusted sheet metal bench near a cliff edge. He scans the barren landscape only to sight structural rubble, human remains and antique robots below a smog stricken atmosphere.
[/left]
[left]
[/left]
[left]A gust of wind blows a piece of paper by his foot. He flips it over revealing a half ripped picture of a girl with a metal arm around her neck. It is the robot’s arm around his previous owner.
[/left]
[left]
[/left]
[left]Taking his time, he looks at it attentively. Clutching the photograph, he heads down from the cliff embarking on the path back to his home.
[/left]
[left]
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[left]EXT: SCRAPLANDS OUTSIDE HIS HABITAT -- AFTERNOON
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[left]At the base of the path leading up to the cliff, rubble extrudes from the ground. The scraplands consist of pieces of debris scattered with paths intertwining between structural skeletons. Referencing the torn picture, the robot hunts and gathers pieces of left over scrap metal that have the potential to be metal body parts.
[/left]
[left] INT: LIVING QUARTERS, WORKBENCH -- AFTERNOON
[/left]
[left]The robot enters his workshop area and drops his findings on his workbench. Referencing the photograph, the robot assembles his scrap metal findings to loosely resemble the girl in his photo.
[/left]
[left]EXT: VANTAGE POINT OF SURROUNDING AREA - AFTERNOON
[/left]
[left]Timelapse: The sun sets and dawn approaches (overcast).
[/left]
[left]EXT: OUTSIDE HIS HABITAT -- MORNING
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[left]With the photo still clutched in his hand, the robot continues to scour the landscape looking for more parts.
[/left]
[left]
[/left]
[left]INT: LIVING QUARTERS, WORKBENCH -- DUSK
[/left]
[left]The robot is applying the final touches to his creation. He steps back as he compares his creation to the found photograph. A cobbled together, metal monstrosity sits before him.
[/left]
[left]A rusted paint can rests tilted upon a neck. With coils halfheartedly glued to the top and two makeshift eyeballs dangling, the can stares lifelessly into nothingness.
[/left]
[left]On his work bench, beside left over scavenged parts, the robot leaves the found photo on his workbench. The robot picks up his creation and carries her out the door. A warm sunset fills his home as the robot's silhouette blocks the sun casting a shadow in his home.
[/left]
[left] EXT: PATH TO LOOKOUT - DUSK
[/left]
[left]The robot carries his creation up the path towards the cliff side. As he gets closer, the landscape becomes less barren. Sprouts of grass appear as the thickness of the overcast smog lightens. Even birds are chirping. He sets his creation down on the lookout’s bench and joins her. The sun shines its warmth illuminating their faces. As the sun rests upon the horizon, he puts his arm around his creation and slowly leans his head against her paint can. The small force of the impact knocks his creation’s head off. The paint can head hits the ground lying face up in the grass behind the bench. The robot, looking over his shoulder, makes eye contact. His eyes twitch.
[/left]
[left]
[/left]
[left]EXT: LUSH ENVIRONMENT LOOKOUT - AFTERNOON
[/left]
[left](This is a flashback. Note: the environment has changed from desolate to lush)
[/left]
[left]The robot runs to save the cute girl as she's leaning over the edge of a cliff, clutching a brass railing, she lets go. The robot reaches to grab her as she plummets. She turns face up while falling. Their eyes meet as she continues to her immediate demise.
[/left]
[left]EXT: BARREN ENVIRONMENT LOOKOUT - AFTERNOON
[/left]
[left]Snapping back to reality, the robot continues to stare into the eyes of the paint can. The paint can is now resting upon dried up dirt. The robot regains focus. Furiously, the robot grabs her head, jams it back on and holds her up by the shoulders. He looks directly at her, her head lifelessly flops over, revealing a vista from the cliff, with the usual overcast clouds. He shakes her shoulders in frustration. Dropping her (off camera), the robot starts walking towards the path. The sun fully sets above the clouds and darkness fills his world. Any trace of nature is gone - no grass and the sky is overcast again.
[/left]
[left]
[/left]
[left]EXT: THE SCRAPLANDS - EVENING
[/left]
[left]The robot with a lantern enters the nearby area of scrap metal and rubble. Closely investigating different bits and parts, the robot ventures deeper as he frustratingly looks for a specific part.
[/left]
[left]
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[left]EXT: VANTAGE POINT OF SURROUNDING AREA - EVENING
[/left]
[left]Timelapse: The moon sets and dawn approaches.
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[left]
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[left]EXT: THE SCRAPLANDS - DAWN
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[left]Still looking, the robot finally finds a brace which would fit his creation’s neck. He turns around and walks back towards the lookout’s path. The robot sees a girl’s shadow casted by the morning’s sun. Excitingly, he looks up to greet her. It’s not her it’s just a stacked pile of rubble with a similar silhouette. The robot continues towards the lookout.
[/left]
[left]Behind two pieces of rubble, the girl darts across. The robot jumps as he looks over focusing in; nothing is there. (Small instances of nature are scattered throughout: grass, small plants, birds, sunlight etc)
[/left]
[left]Continuing towards the lookout, the robot notices her off in the distance. The girl is standing on top of an extruded piece of metal looking down towards the robot. They look at each other. The girl walks off the scrap metal, out of sight, towards the base of the extrusion. The robot continues heading towards her and the path to the lookout.
[/left]
[left]The girl's appearances haunt the robot as they become more frequent. He gets worried as he's unsure what is happening.
[/left]
[left]EXT: PATH TO LOOK OUT - DAWN
[/left]
[left]The robot pushes forward despite his sightings of the girl. Relieved, the robot makes it to the lookout.
[/left]
[left]EXT: THE LOOKOUT - DAWN
[/left]
[left]The robot stops to observe the girl standing on the edge of partly barren cliff. She starts to lean forward. He drops the neck brace. It hits the dry dirt (slow motion) and springs open. He darts to save her.
[/left]
[left]Losing his balance as he reaches to grab her, they both plummet.
[/left]
[left]
[/left]
[left]EXT: BASE OF CLIFF - DAWN
[/left]
[left]A cloud of dust clears from the impact of their bodies hitting the dry landscape below. Lying beside the robot, the girl is dead. The robot rotates his head to look at her. He smiles. He slowly clutches her hand as his remaining energy drains.
[/left]
[left][color=Silver]As the lights in his eyes go out preserving the smile on his metal face, the barren landscape is revealed as a lush, vibrant environment. A robot lays in the grass, at the base of a cliff beside his scrap metal creation.
[/color]Thanks for reading!
[/left]
Hi thinkstory. I just recently did some work for a 2 minute short I’m working on for school. I wrote the script, drew the storyboards, and made a quick animatic. The whole time I was working on it, I couldn’t shake this feeling that no one would understand it, and it was also very chaotic for me. I know what type of story I want, and I had the beginning and end. In the middle though I had trouble.
Anyway, I presented it to a review group, which consisted of my teachers. Odd enough, but expected, they had no clue what was going on. Afterwards they couldnt really offer any advice on how to fix it. One comment stood out though was that I got too caught up with the background story of everything I didn't even concentrate on the story at hand. The only way for a person to understand what's going on is if they already knew reasons as to why all the action was going on. And, I tried to hint at it in certain shots.
To sum it all up. The story is about self sacrifice for the sake of others, except the character is forced to do so. It's suppose to be a cynical comedy. I think the reason why the story may be so confusing is because I'm trying to fit so much into a small package. And i have to admit, I'm a bit confused myself because I can't figure out what to take out or put into it. Plus I think it may be TOO cynical, haha.
Premise:
[left]Hopper lives on a small planet located in a sector of a galaxy called Gods Shooting Gallery, making the planet in constant threat of deadly asteroids. Drafted to be the next Asteroid Bombardier, where hell have to sacrifice his own life to protect what seems to be a cynically humorous, apathetic, and advanced civilization. We witness his last few moments on Planet Placid, as he comes to grips with his fate, and the help of a seasoned robot and the old neglected MachineTower used over many generations of brave asteroid heroes. The life and sacrifice of the Asteroid Bombardier, is less costly than actually fixing a generations old tower that still works, but at the expense of the operator. What is one life compared to millions? Even if that civilization is ungrateful for the ones selected to save it?
[/left]
Environment: the Planet Placid itself is a dwarf planet permanetly fixed in orbit. The Night and Day side last a very long time (years). The side hopper is located on is a desert/wasteland. The reason is due to the fact that the only time the planet is threatened with asteroids is when this side is in day light. This makes him the only inhabitant in the wasteland. Civilization is always on the night side. The asteroid heroes before him were all drafte by a lottery system. So at any time, technically the planets military consists of only one person at a time.
Characters:
[u]Hopper:[/u] A four armed mutant, who is just as apathetic as the society he grew up in and is sent to save
Again.
[u]Robot 67[/u]: Around ever since the first bunch of Heroes was assigned. Now irritated, and what seems to be a developed Artificial Intelligence resembling that of an uptight boss. He is the assurance keeper, and will be helping Hopper finish his assignment as planned, whther he likes it or not.
Script::::
[left][u]Shooting Gallery[/u]
[left]Space Billboard (The size of two football fields) advertises the local news of the planet, which is focused on our four armed hero Hopper. Below the footage, a ticker displays current information: Asteroid Bombardier #12670 Hopper Currently Prepares For The Extermination Of Asteroid # 12670
R.I.P. A countdown ticks off on the bottom right of the screen.
[/left]
[left]
RACK FOCUS From BILLBOARD TO TRUCK
Semi quickly enter right of shot from a distance heading towards camera. PAN Following the semi, creating a CLOSE-UP shot of its trailers billboard. The malfunctioning billboard reads: GODS SHOOTING GALLERY, as the bottom portion (mimicking neon lights) flickers on and off adding BAR & BILLIARDS. HOLD the PAN as the truck passes by, revealing like a curtain, a WIDE SHOT of the endangered small planet and the asteroid.
[/left]
[left] [b]DOLLY IN SLOWLY[/b]
The Semi re-enters from the right at a much further distance, heading towards the city on the dark side of the planet. A fragment of the asteroid breaks off and plunges towards the dooms day tower sticking out of the day side of the planet.
[/left]
[left] [b]INT. PLANET[/b]
[b]SFX:[/b] SIRENS. Robot flies in from right of screen heading for the pod.
[/left]
[left] [b]INT. HEROES POD[/b]
The pod is littered with bottles and trash, and looks as if it has been lived in for a few weeks. The pod itself looks like it was quickly assembled and made from recycled parts. Various hologram screens project above Hopper as he sleeps, completely unaware of the impending doom.
[/left]
The robot enters the pod through the doggy door. It hovers over towards the hero, making annoying beeping alarms and displaying holograms of footage from the asteroid. As it tries to wake hopper from his deep sleep, the smaller asteroid lands with a huge crash tossing the POD around and wakes hopper up making him bang his head on an over hang.
Frustrated, Hopper hits the little annoying robot out the side window.
[left] [b]EXT. FRONT OF POD[/b]
[/left]
Robot crashes out from the pod. SFX: BOTTLES BEING SIFTED. Hopper kicks open the door out of irritation, making trash and bottles burst from the door way just before he stumbles out. With an unopened bottle in his lower right hand, he freezes after he gains his balance back and looks up with his face turning from a grimace to shock.
[left] [b]FULL SHOT[/b] [i]Worm view behind hopper starring at the sky rack focus from hopper to the asteroid [/i]
In fear he turns around heading back into the pod, but the robot (looking a little dented from the incident) comes into view entering the pod, and dragging out a now scared Hopper with multiple bottles in his hands pouring them into his mouth as he is dragged out.
[/left]
The android confronts the now inebriated hero, displaying the word ***Obligation***. Hopper tries to get another sip in, but the android hits it out of his hand.
[b]Worm View:[/b] [i]Bottle lands on a skull of a previously deceased hero, as you see Hopper head towards the opposite direction.[/i]
[left] [b]FULL SHOT[/b] [i]behind Hopper[/i]
As Hopper heads for the gigantic (and very shoddy looking) machine awaiting him, he turns around to look behind him still walking. Something catches his attention.
[/left]
[left] POV of Propaganda Poster and robot
The robot stares back at what hopper is looking at, then ducks out of shot for a moment to bring back a bottle it picked up from the ground.
[/left]
[left] [b]FULL SHOT[/b] of [i]hopper mimicking the proud stance from the poster[/i]
The bottle flies across screen just barely missing hopper and crashing into the machine behind him, making a large piece of it fall off (Showing how old and neglected it is). Hopper quickly turns back around.
[/left]
He begins to set the machine up for firing. He drops the locks holding the exhaust vents shut, and pulls a chain to open them latching the chain to an anchor in the ground.
He pulls the power switch which sticks a bit, making him fall to the ground as the machine revs up.
Near the console he kicks a large button on the ground. SFX: Chains quickly unraveling.
Four recoil Quad Pods hit the ground, bracing the tower for recoil.
[b]SFX:[/b] [i]Electronic voice sounds off SYSTEM READY[/i]
Hopper takes out keys, and inserts them. He turns them at the same time, an unexpected box with a crank pops out hitting him in the face.
[b]Looking over the box[/b]
Hopper rubs his head in confusion and pain. [b]SFX[/b]: Electronic voice Have a Good Day. He begins to turn the crank to the song of All Around the Mulberry Bush. As he gets to the end of the song he hesitates, and does one last crank. Pauses, then a jester pops out scaring Hopper as the vents create a bright explosion engulfing him.
Hard cut to [b]EXT. of planet with billboard in view[/b]
Day side is covered in the explosive exhaust as the tower shoots off a beam destroying and incinerating the asteroid.
The billboard switches off for a second as the clock is reset. The Billboard comes back on, with a different hero, and the sign switches to Asteroid Bombardier #12671.
INT. Planet. Original place where pod use to stand, and the only thing left is a skeleton and the tower.
A new POD hits the ground with the new ID number 12671 painted on it. The robot enters screen, heading towards the new pod.
Fade To Black
Thanks to anyone who reads this.
[/left]Hi Lughs,
I’m not really a story consultant, but I do watch a lot of Scorsese, De Palma, Cameron, and Spielberg.
If I may comment on a few things I hope you don’t mind.
I think the comedic idea of “Sacrifice for A Thankless Society” is very good.
However you do have a few problems:
The screenplay does not seem to contain enough establishment for the two main key words: “Sacrifice” and “Thankless Society”. The news programme at the start does say RIP like it’s a throw-away, but without holding the Premises in-hand it can be a bit difficult to understand. One way is to perhaps modify the news programme to carry a tone similar to a used car sales man and emphasize the many many number who have given up their lives before. They do it with the zest of a young Bob Barker or the news programs from ROBOCOP. Another way is to present the news on Hopper’s personal video set, and the audience can proxy with him for his reaction.
Hopper can in fact be a nexus to help emphasize any other backstory element as he prepares to sacrifice himself. In this way the Propaganda and other things can be given more time without themselves distracting from action.
By this token, the actual action scene should be short, the sacrifice miniscule, and seemingly thankless.
Cheers!
hi Thinkstory,
i m new to cg world and i m working on my first project which has to be up to 5 min only. i m bit confused with the idea i want to tell, so i have 2 ideas on mind. i wonder if u can get me your opinion on it.
idea one : its about two pulp lamps at store shelf and a new female look lamp was added to them so every one of the two male lamps tries to show that it glows better than the other , both lamps starts showing how strong their light can be till one of them get broken and its light go off , the other one started to laugh at it till it rolls of the shelf and go dawn broken. so the female lamp just move and jumps to another shelf. the end
idea two : a group of balls are playing between 4 high walls ( like prison walls you can only see the sky from top) then two of the balls starts to fight who can jump higher and reach behind the wall and gets free, so like gang challenges they starts to gather around the two balls and each one tries to jump high , one try followed by the second , till one of them jump really high and on its way to cross the wall it got stuck to the fence and hit a metal wire and gets flaten. so all the balls dawn gets sad and just walk apart forgetting the idea of breaking free out of the walls.
so , what do u think?
thanks alot ,
Sue
MattVogt - Nice story. Looks like you’ve already spent the time to articulate
the plotline and round it out. It looks ready to go!
Lughs - Here’s a Story Tip that can help: A good story usually requires little effort
to grasp.
I don’t mean a good story is easy to communicate across, I mean it’s should not
be hard to understand. It goes back to one of the many reason humans like
stories. Stories have the ability to relate and it’s that border between truth and
fiction that makes them interesting.
Let me give an example, take Superman. Ask anyone what’s the story of Superman
and they’ll tell you it’s about a man/alien with supernatural powers. BUT that’s also
true of monsters…of giants…of fairies. Why don’t we hold the same fascination
for these characters? The answer is simply that Superman, although not technically
human, have human characteristics that people can relate to. We watch the
comic/TV show/movie and if you think about it, it’s really not about his powers
or saving the world that keeps audiences watching, it’s the feeling of freedom
when flying, the guilt of keeping a secret identity, the urge to protect those that
needs protection. It’s the emotions and human aspects that make it a good basis
for a story.
Having said that, what’s missing in your story is that relating aspect.
Some of the barriers are:
So if you want others to feel for your characters, consider adding some more
human elements to the story and take out more of the foreign (even if it’s more
creative) stuff. It’ll help your audience understand it better.
sweetsue - Both concepts are kind of equal. If you had to choose, I’d say consider
where your CG skills can be best utilized. The second one may be more visually
interesting if your into motion while the first one will allow you to show more
character and mannerism. But both, in terms of story, are sort of level so it’ll
be presentation that’ll make the difference.
ThinkStory
Saltiva and ThinkStory, thank you for your kind words. If you need me I’ll be waist deep in storyboards hehehehe
Thanks for the read - ThinkStory keep up the priceless advice!
Matt
Hi ThinkStory
I’m a complete beginner in the story telling field.
i’ve attempted to write the 1st chapter of a story i have in mind. its the 1st draft and i knoe its pretty amateurish. wus like some comments on it…
http://rdsarna.blogspot.com/
Hi rdsarna,
I read your 1st chapter.
Still at the beginning of everything so not much to comment, storywise,
but there is potential.
There is a certain innocence about it (not referring to the characters but the mood
of the story) which is good, keep that. It’s a draft so there will be some elements
that can be better edited once you have a fuller story but, so far, I don’t think
there needs to be any drastic changes.
The thing you should work on is fluidity in the language/presentation. Fluidity is
HARD to correct as there is no quick way to do it. As far as I know, the real way
to fix it is to READ more and I’d also suggest you to LISTEN more. Reading stuff
that is similar to what you’re trying to write will help you write it better. If you lack
the patience of sitting down to read a book in general (as I do
surprise…surprise)
try to listen more, it’ll help you pick up other speech patterns and expand your
vocabulary.
LOTS of people (even frequent writers) have this kind of problem so don’t feel alone.
You’re not.
Most people are visual thinkers and switching from visual to audio is no easy task.
But if you want to master your writing ability, you have to jump into the world of
words and sound. So continue writing, continue reading, and continue listening,
and repeat as needed. The good thing about it though is that it’s easy to detect if
your hard work paid off. Practice being an audio/verbal thinker for a month and
then go back to your chapter to re-read it. If you find areas for improvement,
you’ve improved. If you feel a sudden urge to do a second draft, you’ve
REALLY improved. If you can’t get pass half a page without ripping it up
to shreds and start all over again, YOU’RE ON A ROLL! (I’m exaggerating,
I don’t think it’s bad, I’m just saying if you come back and see flaws, then
you’re on the right track.)
Overall, I liked the mood and general idea of the chapter, good characters, keep
it light, keep it fun. The critique is to improve your ability to present your
characters and the story in a more styled, more fluid, more organized way.
ThinkStory
Hey Thinkstory. Im back with some new variations to the script I posted up above in this thread a while back HERE. The one that was chosen was the Martial Arts Theme, but I want to see what you think about the other two as well.
Im not sure if the Martial Arts Theme might be too simple. It is an outline, so it leaves some room to work with. I'm thinking to put more interest into the story for the audience, by making the asteroid throughout the movie seem like it has a personality. Sort of hide the notion that this "thing" he is fighting or deflecting is an asteroid, only until the climax.
Thanks for your input on my last post. I might want to keep the four arms though, at least for the Kung Fu theme, because it makes him resemble a cricket I figured it fits his personality. Probably a bit corny I know, but I’m going to try and give it a look of old kung fu flicks, Haha.
-Lughs
Same guidelines apply, 2 minutes or less.