short film concept - help needed


#1

hey everyone
I need some feedback and suggestion for my short animation please. It’s gonna last about 3 min Here is the idea

The Character

’ll call him Timmy for simplicity reasons.

Timmy has joined army - air force to be precise. But he never wanted to be there his parents made him to do so. His father , grandfather all were pilots . This is sort of the family tradition.

Timmy is a small person, so small that all clothes that he was given are too big for him. Especially the helmet that keeps falling of.

To make things worse Timmy has fear of the height. And now for the first time in his life Timmy is about to jump out from the plane with parachute.

The Story

EXT. DAY.

Wide angle of the plane passing by. It’s an old plane, probably from the First World War. Makes a lot of noise.

Int.

Inside of the plane. Camera pans from left to right showing paratroopers. One by one. You see expressions on their faces. Tense and focused. Camera pauses on the last one.

This is the main character. He looks really terrified.

He also is quite small comparing to others , and you can straight away tell that this is not the right place for him to be.

I want to make him to do all sorts of thing to show that he is really scared. He prays to the god, wipes the sweat from his forehead, looks around with the terrified expression on his face. and so on.

And then comes the time when paratroopers start to jump out from the plane.

Sergeant calls them one by one and they jump out without hesitation. I still don’t know how this procedure really looks like ( when paratroopers jump out from the plane.) I need to find out.

Time comes when our hero should be next. The captain shouts on him . He pretends that he doesn’t hear. As if he wasn’t there. The captain shouts again – louder. Main character looks around, looks behind him, then at the captain. He points at himself as if he was asking if this is really about him.

Well Ok, he says with the body language. Takes deep breath, gets up and like small child that has to do what he doesn’t want to slowly comes up to the hatch.

He look through the opening.

Ext. Low angle

We see the main character from the outside of the plane, he looks through the hatch.

He holds to the sides of the hatch so not to fall down. Terrified, wind is blawing his clothes. Noise from the plane and the wind. Eyes are almost popping out from its orbits. Mouth open.

After few seconds he quickly comes back inside. He clings to the wall. His breathis really fast.

He looks at the hatch, then at the captain, then at the hatch again. Oh, no I’m not going in there. (body language again)

Captain shouts at him . Close up of his face (terrified). Captain shouts at him again.

He takes deep breath , makea sing of cross, closes his eyes and jumps.

EXT

Our hero in the air. Eyes tight closed. Fists clenched. Few second passes before he has enough courage to open eyes.

I haven’t figured out what will happen next but I was thinking that it turn out that he really enjoys flying.

I would be greatfull for any suggestions how to end the story, name for the main character ,suggestions Any comments and critic welcome

Thank you


#2

hey Gabby,

Cool idea, I love the way you have this all written out, I can totally see it in my minds eye as I read it!

I have a few suggestions:

  1. how about making it so that he doesn’t jump out, after all he really doesn’t want to, and I don’t feel that his fear of the captain is enough leverage to overcome his fear of heights… Instead have him forced out somehow ( either by the captain, or by circumstances ) … you know… from a story-perspective, I don’t really like the idea of him just jumping out, there is no story there! he doesn’t want to do something, then he is forced… yuk… maybee if something good came of his jumping it would be a good story, but as-is, I don’t think it works…

  2. he saves the day: how about this: the plane gets shot at, or the plane malfunctions etc… and the captain gets “knocked out” while the plane is going down, now Timmy has to save the captain by grabbing him and jumping out with him. He saves the captains life ( and his own ) by jumping out, while parachuting, he discovers that he likes it. when they land the captain is so gratefull that he disobligates Timmy from having to jump again, but now Timmy likes it, and he wants to go again! The short can even end with Timmy jumpng out of the next mission with enthusiasm! or even Captaining the next mission himself etc…

  3. Timmy Jumps out and his chute doesn’t open. ( great opportunity here for character animation in a free-fall ) untill he figures out how to use his reserve … but like I already said, I don’t like this unless it has a story point…

  4. maybeee by jumping out late, he acomplishes something that all the gung-ho types didn’t acomplish… that would be a better plot point…

well, those are my ideas, hope they help! please keep posting, I’m pretty interested to see what you end up with!


#3

Yea, Yorgo12345 has a good point… make Tim have a motive to jump out.

Like maybe he struggles with the captain , then accidentally pushes the captain out of the plane
without a parachute , or accidentally ripping off the captains cute in the process.
Then has to jump out to save him, learning that he is skilled in air acrobatics.

:shrug:


#4

Thanks for comments. Very helpfull.
I think you’re right . Timmy need good motivation to jump out of the plane.
I also like te idea that he needs to save the captain.


#5

I like how you wrote it-I can sense an animator’s mind in the way you described how Timmy was behaving, as though you already have the gist of it in body posture planned out.

How about Timmy keeps looking down out of the plane before jumping and shaking his head in fear and finally the Captain gives up, calls him a coward who will never get anywhere in life, and jumps himself.
Then you see that their landing zone is a huge volcano.

Timmy may not be brave but he isnt stupid like the other guys who just followed orders.

Just a silly alternative.
:slight_smile:


#6

very nice story, great story telling, good luck on this one.


#7

i’d like to show your some ideas if you don’t mind

don’t make him jump becasue people know that you gonna make him jump…but rather make him jump you can make him acidently fall off the plane

1.He trips becasue his boots is too big for him (since you say he is a small guy)

2.the plane is old so its engine run not so smooth …its engine stuttering and this guy while he standing in front of the plane door lose balance the fall off the plane …

and his chute don’t open because he is small so he can’t reach to pull the rope on his back to trigger his chute to open (i don’t know how to trigger the chute …i haven’t seen one yet but i do remeber from cartoon that you have to pull a rope that attach to the chute on your back)

…that’s all i can think of for now …

it’s just my idea hope you like it


#8

I think that you need a suggestion of the resolution of the ending at the beginning of the film. You mentioned that this was a family tradition, and that the hero can’t fill the shoes. The way forward would be to get into the skin of the little guy and feel out his responses. I think if you can get him out of the plane, but not actually jump (ie he gets out, but then stands on the fuselage…slips, grabs the wing, is blown to the tail, struggles to get in the window, looses his parachute, shoes (shoes get in the engines, plane starts to go down (nice shots of coming face to face with the irate and determined Sargent, etc are possible) This continued tension allows for him to
not fall
keep his cowardice
be put in a position where he can ramp up the tension from his own to everybodys

There are a load of comedic possibilities - the plane trying to shake him off, his windblown panic, the battle between him and the sargent, and all of the errors that he causes by fear. I don’t know quite the ending, but you need to find the place where he is vindicated through his fear.

Also - don’t let go of the fantastic - it’s another way to go - perhaps he can fly, etc?

Good luck


#9

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