Screenplay C & C: Project R

#1

Wow, I love this new forum so I figure I can talk here. I have a screenplay that I wrote and I would love if any writers here can critique it. It is my idea of a Computer Generated movie and something I have been dreaming of since I was a kid…

If PDF Files can be loaded here, I will be happy to post it here…

STORY: This story takes place in the future (2026), where technology is so advanced that it helps many people alot better as well as create sophisticated methods of medicine and science. It also takes place in a time where conflicts between countries have become so heated, that it is nearly impossible to solve. Just imagine if an unknown technology fell into the wrong hands and causes worldwide panic.

A soldier, who has a near death experience on a campaign, decides to call it quits and settle down with his wife and live a normal life. He is called into one day and he declines. After a few days, he accepts with reluctance and against the wishes of his wife. During this recon mission, he finds himself caught in the middle of a terrorist invasion.
:slight_smile:

#2

I would love to read it, but Im no writer

#3

Sounds like “Rambo of the Future: The Terrorist Years”

#4

what tells you, that he will act rambo like?

…

#5

Isn’t rambo a retired soldier called back into duty from his asian hideaway?

It’s been a while since I saw it, but that’s what came to mind when I read the plot synopsis.

Or maybe I was thinking of Commando, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. He is a retired something-or-other that has to rescue is daughter…

Or maybe I’m thinking of the proposed Rambo 4, in which Rambo is recalled to aid a technologically inclined troop of soldiers, and saves the day when their technology fails and his brute force overcomes the enemy.

hi

#6

Well, I guess. But of course I have added a few twists to the main character. Such as, on his mission, he rather have a sword versus firearms (he has hated firearms since his accident), and he doesn’t kill his enemies…but rather dispatch them in other ways

All of this takes place in a military lab…which is good for me since I can dynamically destroy it…

The focus is not creating all out action scenes for me, but tightening the noose around their situations, such as how the main character has strict orders to remain hidden and not to kill anyone, but has to choose whether to disobey those orders when the building is invaded…

#7

I actually saw Rambo 1-3 last night, and I am trying to get away from that kind of frenetic action, and have the main character more strategic. Rambo was a crazy brave, and in this story I am hoping to open a new perspective in action, instead of senseless shooting throughout the film.

#8

This has been done also, most recently in “The Rundown” (with the Rock). The problem is that it comes across phony, like the filmmakers just want to do something “cool and different” rather than that it’s even remotely plausible. The problem I think you’ll run into in writing your script is that yours takes place in the future, and you’ve said how advanced everything has become, so how much chance does a guy with a sword stand? He can’t use it unless he’s a few feet away from the bad guys, but you’ll have to figure out plausible ways that he can get close without them shooting him first.

The focus is not creating all out action scenes for me, but tightening the noose around their situations, such as how the main character has strict orders to remain hidden and not to kill anyone, but has to choose whether to disobey those orders when the building is invaded…
It seems to me that he’s not supposed to kill anyone who works in the building, but why wouldn’t he be allowed to kill invaders, especially if THEY are trying to kill the people in the building? If the hero isn’t supposed to kill the people in the building, shouldn’t he kill the invaders? I don’t see the story logic there. Again, it feels like the writer is arbitrarily imposing things in an effort to make it cool. All stories do that, but the trick is to not make it blatantly obvious.

One other thing to remember: People expect certain things from certain kinds of movies. Be very careful about not giving them what they want. If you set up this hero as an amazing warrior, then we better get to see him in action, not cleverly avoiding the fight every time.

Fred

#9

Yeah, I have been thinking about this and I just want to find cooler ways to deal with the enemy. When I post the script you will see what I mean. Basically, he isn’t supposed to kill ANYONE or let himself be seen, not even the enemy. But of course comes the moral question whether to continue with his orders or save the hostages…he chooses deal with the invaders and save the hostages (still keeping his mission in mind)

I allowed his fear of using a gun to disappear later on though and he starts killing again. I will be careful though about the script since it is in the future…it is a still a work in progress and I may actually ditch the sword and give him high-powered weaponry. His war suit is already a weapon. :slight_smile:

#10

That’s, of course, exactly what happens in “The Rundown.” It’s also what the audience will expect instantly as soon as a character says he doesn’t like guns.

Here’s what might be a better idea: Make him an absolute master with a gun-- a quick-draw sharpshooter of the future-- but make it so he can’t use his gun. Make him be forced to use other methods of killing or sidelining the enemies, and make it tough for him to think that way since he’s so used to being able to kill with a quick flick of the trigger.

Maybe the reason he can’t use his gun is that it would alert people to his presence, even though it might have a silencer. Or maybe he’s been set up, and the first time he goes to use his gun he realizes it’s been tampered with and won’t work. Not only would that be a shock for him, but for us too, and he’d have to think really fast to keep from being killed, since he’s probably out in the open at the time, figuring it’s fine because the enemy guy will be dead in a moment. That latter scenario might be better because it sets up an interesting conflict and mystery: Who set him up and why? And what will he do about it? And will he still feel bound to the agreement he made even though the people he made the deal with might have sabotaged him? Etc.

One of the best things to do in a film is put a character in a situation that’s the worst nightmare for him/her. So putting a gunslinger into a situation where he can’t use his gun makes for an intriguing predicament (and story).

Just some thoughts.

Fred

#11

First off, let me preface this by saying I don’t mean to rain on this idea by any means. But I want to give you constructive criticism and make this movie more than just an action flick.

It’s not a bad premise – I’ve certainly read a lot worse. But nothing about it really grabs me. I’ve seen any number of Under Siege/Die Hard/Rambo movies, even if it is in the future, and even if he is, just wow, just such an amazing badass, you just can’t believe it, it’s like awesome. :slight_smile:

I find that I personally enjoy movies that try and sideline nonstop action with real characterization. Grosse Pointe Blank is a pretty fun example of this, as is Equilibrium. We as an audience have seen enough film badasses in our time that you can use a lot of shorthand to let us know who this guy is capable of, physically. You could do that in five seconds – have him assemble a gun lightning fast, or tear a door off its hinges, or whatever. That is one note that you can hit in your movie.

But it sounds like you plan on hitting it repeatedly. We can get that he’s cool, even get a short sequence showing it off, but you don’t need to showcase how cool he is the entire movie, as he wades through an entire military base of bad guys, beating them down. It’s one drum, and no matter how cool you play it, you’re still pretty well beating the same drum. You need other instruments to make a good song.

I’m really just not sure how well you’d be able to characterize someone if the entire thing is in a military base. Not impossible, but difficult. The whole “want to retire, but can’t” has been done a LOT, and unless you have something unique to bring to it (like Clint Eastwood in Unforgiven), I’d consider other angles, give him someone to act against if possible. Maybe it’s a rescue mission, getting his ex-wife. Maybe he’s a very pissed off hostage. Maybe he’s shot in the first ten minutes and the entire rest of the film is about his survival. I don’t know. Play around. Nothing’s more boring than watching an invincible badass do his thing for an hour and a half.

If you want to look at good examples of how characterization can be achieved in a very action-oriented setting, check out Global Frequency or Planetary by Warren Ellis. These people have the personalities that lend themselves to obsessive training and compulsive violence, yet they’re charismatic, charming, and you want to root for them.

That was long-winded, but I hope it was somewhat helpful? Or at least not too nitpicky?

#12

oh, no, it is not nitpicky…

I happen to like the ideas here…I am still playing around with the script… and he has been shot before, by the same invaders. I wanted to try the gun idea at first, and now maybe I should. He already found other ways to destroy the enemy, and the whole recon mission became a rescue one.

“have him assemble a gun lightning fast, or tear a door off its hinges, or whatever. That is one note that you can hit in your movie.”

I may definitely use something like this since it is my first script…

[i]Make him an absolute master with a gun-- a quick-draw sharpshooter of the future-- but make it so he can’t use his gun. Make him be forced to use other methods of killing or sidelining the enemies, and make it tough for him to think that way since he’s so used to being able to kill with a quick flick of the trigger.

Maybe the reason he can’t use his gun is that it would alert people to his presence, even though it might have a silencer. Or maybe he’s been set up, and the first time he goes to use his gun he realizes it’s been tampered with and won’t work. Not only would that be a shock for him, but for us too, and he’d have to think really fast to keep from being killed, since he’s probably out in the open at the time, figuring it’s fine because the enemy guy will be dead in a moment. That latter scenario might be better because it sets up an interesting conflict and mystery: Who set him up and why? And what will he do about it? And will he still feel bound to the agreement he made even though the people he made the deal with might have sabotaged him? Etc[/i]

This is just as awesome…now to just find a way to execute it. Luckily, the rough script is done. Since the tech is advanced, i think the hero will be unable to use the guns of the guards in the building (maybe DNA coded weapory?) and will have to use the environment to his advantage. Well, he is a master swordsman…and I am going to make the odds impossible…

And retired? I may have used the wrong word…perhaps not doing it anymore. I will keep the sword and add some high-powered weaponry to make it interesting :slight_smile: Thanks guys/gals. I will post the script here so you can critique it… :slight_smile:

#13

Hey, guys/gals,

I have finally finished the second pass at this script and hopefully someone here can give me some feedback on things I should fix, implement, or straight up “give it the ax”.

Now mind you the suggestions you bring me will go into developing the final draft of the script…which I hope is good enough of a story for production…

So, give me hell…as this is what the character is going through… here is the first 4 minutes of the script, I love dramatic openings…this was written using Sophocles…

FADE IN:

INT. MILITARY INSTALLATION – NIGHT

SUPERIMPOSE: GRANT CITY, USA (AUGUST 8TH, 2024)

Cameras WHIR. Sounds of BEEPS fill the silence.

Inside a high security room filled with lasers, the sound of
FOOTSTEPS tap around the hallways. In the darkness, several
ARMED SOLDIERS with weapons in hand scatter toward a
checkpoint.

EXT. BALCONY

There is a snow storm. The wind HOWLS, the ice sticks to the
metal grates that a MAN in a dark kevlar suit stands on. A neon
sign that reads “OMEGACON MILITARY LABS” BUZZES
overhead.

The man sticks a long shiny katana into a sheath. He carries a
high-powered rifle. His breath draws out through a vented mask,
his eyes are covered with a visor that emits a volumetric haze
through the lenses.

     WOMAN'S VOICE
 (through earpiece)
 Okay, James. Let's keep this a bloodless 
 mission.
     
     JAMES
 Don't I always?

James CRACKS his neck.

INT. MILITARY INSTALLATION

The armed soldiers move in a set pattern. They walk through
the lasers with precision trying not to set them off. They pass
through the checkpoint and proceed forward.

     LEAD SOLDIER
 (through a radio)
 Moving into position. Did you disable the 
 motion sensors? 
     
     FIRST SOLDIER
 Yes, sir.

The soldiers move into position. Ahead of them is a steel door
with the words “TOP SECRET” written in white paint. Lasers
line up in front of the door. They illuminate the soldiers who wear
masks and heavy armor.

     SECOND SOLDIER
 (to other soldiers)
 Stand guard here.

The soldiers stand guard with their automatic weapons raised.
The other soldiers walk to the door and begin to work on the
lasers.

Above the room, James sneaks in. The light from outside
beams in. The snow beats down on him. He closes the door
with a QUIET SLAM. All that is seen in the darkness is the blue
illuminated dots from the visor.

At a corner, one of the guards takes out a cigarette and puts it in
his mouth casually. His buddy turns to him with a disgusted look
on his face.

     GUARDING SOLDIER #1
 (turning to his buddy)
 Hey, man. You shouldn't smoke in here.

The guard with the cigarette looks at him. He takes out his
lighter.

     GUARDING SOLDIER #2
 Shut up. 
 (lights up the cigarette)
 Besides, what the hell are we looking for 
 anyway?
     
     GUARDING SOLDIER #1
 Boss wanted something from here. 
 Whatever it is, it's big.

His buddy starts smoking the cigarette. Exhales.

     GUARDING SOLDIER #1
 You are going to die for all those cigarettes 
 you smoke.

The second soldier ignores him and continues to smoke his
cigarette. James stalks above them with a thin needle in his
gloved hand. He throws it. The needle catches the soldier’s
neck. The soldier GASPS.

     GUARDING SOLDIER #1
 I told you. You need to quit.

The smoking soldier falls unconscious to the floor. His friend is
unaware. He then sees him.

     GUARDING SOLDIER #1
 Hey! No sleeping on the job.

He walks up to his downed body.

     GUARDING SOLDIER #1
 Hey, get up. 
 (nudges him with his foot)

From above, the second soldier is knocked out with a quiet
martial arts kick to the chest by James. He falls to the floor.
Soldier GROANS. The laser beams ahead BUZZ. The soldiers
at the door gain access.

James hides.

     LEAD SOLDIER
 Okay, we are in. 
 (clicks his radio)
 Morris? Lee?

STATIC. The lead soldier turns to his partners who have their
guns raised. He clicks the radio again. He speaks into it with a
little more ire.

     LEAD SOLDIER
 Morris? Shit. 
 (to the other soldiers)
 Lloyd, Gage, go see what is wrong with 
 them.
     
     GAGE
 Sir, yes, sir. He is probably choking on his 
 lungs.

Lloyd and Gage exit with two more soldiers who follow them.

By the knocked out soldiers, James drags them away into the
darkness by an empty room. He picks up the downed AK-47
and empties the magazine. FOOTSTEPS scamper toward him.
James hides.

Lloyd and Gage with the other soldiers come to the location to
where the soldiers were knocked out. They turn on the
flashlights on the end of their rifles. A long beam of light is seen.

     LLOYD
 Morris? Lee? 
 (cocks gun)
 Spread out.

The soldiers start to spread out as Gage walks toward the door
where the keypads light up. Out of nowhere, James grabs Gage
by his neck. A blue flash jumps from the darkness.

SFX: ELECTRIC ZAPS. Muffled SCREAMS. Body THUDS off
screen.

JAMES POV

In nightvision, he sees the several soldiers in a spread pattern
with their guns pointed. Computerized data and complex
computations flash inside the goggles.

BACK TO SCENE

James pulls out his long blade sword and runs at them with
silent feet. He jumps into the air and kicks Lloyd in the back of
the head. Lloyd falls.

     THIRD SOLDIER
 (alarmed)
 Hey!

James kicks the soldiers in the chest, face, and stomach in
succession. He jumps on the soldier’s shoulders and jumps up
and down until he is on his back. James disappears. Lloyd gets
up.

     LLOYD
 (shocked)
 What the hell was that?

James jumps out again and kicks Lloyd with a spin kick to the
jaw. The other soldiers come and attack him with martial art
maneuvers. The first soldier goes for a high kick. It is blocked.

James grabs and twists the soldier’s leg. The soldier
SCREAMS. James kicks the other leg and sends the soldier
into a spin. He then kicks him while he is in the air.

The soldier’s body flies into the laser beams. ALARMS WAIL.
The building goes into full alert. The lights come on. In the light,
the soldiers are dressed in Kevlar suits loaded with large rifles.

INT. WEAPONS ROOM

The lead soldier is in a room with hundreds of weapons on
shelves. They glow with an eerie green light. He hears the
alarms.

     LEAD SOLDIER
 Gage, Lloyd!

He walks to a wall and takes a strange weapon from off it. He
runs to the open door. Outside the weapons room, James beats
up Lloyd with a crescent kick to the jaw and face. The lead
soldier turns on the gun.

     LEAD SOLDIER
 Hey, you!

The gun WHINES with power. James looks up with his blue
laser eyes. He runs toward the soldier with the sword raised.
The gun goes off. BLAST.

         FADE TO: BLACK

Thanks,

Kashif C. Riley

#14

If theres any advice I can give you on stories. Its the fact that no matter how good it looks in your head and how awesome some shots or scenes may be, there must be some sort of conflict (deeper then killing or action) that follows the entire film and is concluded in the end.

So hes stuck in a terrorist invansion… he kills all the bad guys, the end. Sounds to me like the rest of the million other action films. No problem with that of course. Like i said, you have to make an ending that will compel the audience. Be it in a good way or bad, aslong as people discuss your film when they leave the movies, you did your job.

#15

Well, thank you for the advice…

in fact, I did have one swell ending in this script…but it isn’t you usual “Action guy goes home happy…the end”. As far as the hero killing all the bad guys, I tried to avoid that as much as possible…he is not invincible…

there is much more than killing and action…hopefully your critique will help me…

#16

I have some critiques, but I want to ask you a few questions first:

  1. What films do you want this film to be like, stand alongside? Which ones are your inspirations?
  2. What do you want the audience to feel throughout this movie?
  3. Why are you making this, on a personal level? What does this project mean to you?
  4. What are you trying to say with this movie? Like, if the Matrix’s underlying theme was “question authority/reality,” what is the theme of this movie?
#17

To Bonedaddy

Answers:

  1. Actually I was inspired by a couple of video games, like Perfect Dark and Splinter Cell. Some films that inspired this idea of technology in the future had to be Total Recall and Judge Dredd.

  2. I want the audience to feel as if they are the character who lives in this futuristic world and wanted to change his life…

  3. I just want to make films, because this has been a dream of mine for years. And plus on a personal level, it will make me feel good that I made something that people could like.

  4. The message in this movie is that people should be careful with the technology they unleash on us, because it can be abused. It also goes about not changing what you are, instead of hiding behind a facade…

I hope that answers your questions :slight_smile:

#18

Hey guys,

After a long time in thinking about the story of this, I dedcide to change a lot of the elements in the story. Instead of him, not going because of his wife, I decided to make the main character a little colder and rough around the edges and changed the story to something like this:

James Rayder, a soldier who tries to escape from his haunting past, decides to take on a mission to protect a new technology, a technology that will change the world. One problem that he will run into is, another “person” is there for this technology for a much different purpose. For a story arc, i have decided to make “Machina”, James Rayder’s nemesis, a pivotal part of his past.

Being in a coma for two years, after an accident with Sulfuric Acid, Machina has no idea he is about to run into the man who ruined his life. With mechanical augmentations done to, he has his eyes set on this new technology, that will change his life again. I think you may like this idea. basically, they are both battling inner demons…

I am still writing this script, as it is nearing it’s 3rd draft completion…

#19

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