Hello Guys
Wow. That was some intense criticism Matsman. But all in the name of positive feedback I’d say. I mean, afterall, this challenge exists solely for the purpose of improving our writing skills. And, I am sure that what you’ve said so far will in no way persuade my judgement at all. Afterall, we all have our own opinions on every work we read.
Anyways, down to the wire. Let’s start with Kevin (since we are going by first names): I liked your script. You mentiond before that you wanted us to guess what references you were inspired by when writing your piece. Honestly, all I can say was that the first movie reference that came to mind was Enchanted. For some reason I just thought of your female lead as the red headed damsel in distress, but with a twist of Happy Tree Friends. I like the dialogue as usual. Your characters seem to carry a good sense of sarcasm with them. But the script felt like two different stories. In the beginning it gave us the sense that this was something dark and dramatic, but it immediately flipped to goofy and whimsical. That approach made the whole thing seem a bit out of place. It was a different approach to what I assume you thought the story was from the start- which was dark and dramatic. I believe the characters carried a strong sense of conviction in the things they were saying. In that case, it made them seem believeable and not just spurting out dialogue for dialogue sake. Overall it was a different approach to the story and although it made it seem goofy in a lot of ways, it was entertaining enough.
Now Matsman. For some reason the comic book SPAWN came to mind when I read your script. The characters had a sort of dark, grundgey persona to them. Kinda reminded me of the whole biker misfit, prostitute infested, crime wave era of the late 80’s- early 90’s. Kinda had a Sin City feel to the characters too. That was an interesting touch. That, in conjunction with the task ridden divine hero made the whole theme out to feel like something out of a comic book. In some ways, that was an entirely different approach to the story. But, knowing your concern over ‘SEEMINGLY’ implied Religious Propaganda, your script also had its share of religious innuendoes. I think Kevin was the only one who didn’t make any reference to religion. But that aside, your script’s characters held true to their very natures. Throughout, the angel kept character the whole way even up to the end. But one thing I must comment on was the fact that you mentioned that you didn’t want to do the other concepts because it left too much room for dialogue to come from one character. well in this case, I felt like one character carried your whole story, which was the Angel character. The female only supported his mission and did not feel like a character on her own. The end was a twist, and in many ways did not seem justifiable. The angel’s cause seemed bigger than his mission to rid the world of one prostitute. But overall, the characters had good dialogue and the script was good. The mythical touch was something quite different from everyone. I enjoyed it.
Now Serum: Nice script. Everything was in tact. And by that I mean the format was well done. Concerning the story-it was a bit too short and too to the point. The dialogue seemed like two people reading lines rather than a conversation between a petrified victim and a deluded gunman. In the beginning I felt the woman’s fear. She said pretty much what I would assume any hostage to say. That first part was great. But what kinda killed it for me was when she recognized the gunman. And the conversation onwards just kinda destroyed the whole feel of victimization. The story just seemed like an incident rather than an event. Interesting story nevertheless. Great effort.
Well the concept originally came from when I was watching the Biography channel one night. There is a series called I Survive. And one of the stories was about a woman who went through the same ordeal as the concept mentioned. And watching her story, she did try all angles to talk the killer out of killing her. She mentioned how she tried to make it seem to him that she was human and that she had a family and people who cared for her. She even mentioned religion to try to talk the man out of killing her. In the end, the guy shot her 6 times and left her for dead. She survived and made her way to a house in a neighouring community. So in many ways, I think we all kinda share some of the experiences a real life person did have and some of the things she said to save her own life.
Well, all that aside. Now I have to vote for someone. Not to make this post any longer than it already is, my vote goes to…Kevin!
Your script, although whimsical in the end, was entertaining and the characters had their unique personality and the dialogue was good. A unique approach and an interesting one.
Well, i hope I did not anger anyone. All the scripts were great and unique in their own ways. I believe that criticism is there for us to improve ourselves. So they are in no way there to highlight our weaknesses but rather how to improve them. Thanks Matsman for the critique. It’s always good to hear someone else’s view on literature-whether it be our own or someone else’s. Thanks guys. Hope to hear from the rest of you!
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