YES! Congrats on getting it done man, finishing what you start is worth a congrats alone… thanks for joining me. I was starting to feel like I was out in the middle of the ocean, drifting alone.
As far as your story goes, I like the idea.
I think you’ve created a potentially compelling environment… I want to know [spoiler] why the person was marked for death, and why there was the betrayal at the end. Will there be payback and retribution if there was a potential sequel/if the story were to continue?
One thing I’m not sure on is the Father and Bautist/Woman thing… is Father a title of position within their organization, or their actual father? Maybe I just don’t quite understand the very end.
Either way, there’s more to this story that I’m curious enough about to read more, if more were written… and that’s one of the ultimate goals when writing in short form.[/spoiler]
As far as the technical/logistics of writing a screenplay, I’ll try (depends on the subject) and do the next challenge in a script format so that you can see how they look. From the looks of it, you’re using Word (or some other word processing program). If you are using Word, I know there are some templates/macros online for writing a script. They might help you. I’ve been using Final Draft for the last couple of years, and haven’t looked back. If you can pick up Final Draft, I highly recommend it. I copied and pasted your story into Final Draft, and it comes to 9.5 pages without the title page (the PDF is 8, including the title page)… so you can see that when the dialogue is properly formatted, it really can affect the page count. It’s also the reason why I avoided the script form for this challenge, because I knew that for me to tell my complete story, I had to use a literary approach in order to fit it all in… and even then, when I finally stopped writing, I had to edit it down.
On to the next one!