[size=2]I am working on this CG short. I finished up a second draft of the script, and need some critique. Here it is:[b]
The Film opens as both Baz and William are walking down the long dock towards the bathysphere, the chain lowering mechanism suspended above the hatch. The shores of the city are hazy but visible in the distance. A tiny, old shack sits on an outcrop on the dock, where William and Baz have set out the plans for the journey. As they walk down the dock, William looks nervous, as he is the one who will make the descent. Baz holds a newspaper, and he is the first who speaks.
B: Cheer up, for god’s sake, Will! Their talkin about us in the papers! (Points frantically at the headline, which reads, visible to the viewer, "Rumored Mission to the Ocean’s Depths Planned by Local Explorers.) First man to the Sea’s deepest waters!
W: Sighs I know, Baz. It doesn’t make sense to be so nervous after a year’s planning… But, we don’t even know what’s down there! It’s all been blind speculation until today.
B: Laughs That’s the point of all this remember! To discover?
W: Looks at the bathysphere with a sickening fear Scientific discovery is only exciting to a point, and I intend to finish this as quickly as possible… Let’s just get on with the preperations. Looks up at the sky, which is mostly overcast It’s gotta be almost noon already.
B: Chuckles lightly again I’ll get the radio warmed up. You just get inside the sub and wait for me to do all the real work.
W: Chuckles back Will do.
Baz walks into the shack to gather the tools and turns on the radio. William opens the bathysphere hatch and climbs inside. The hatch has a thick glass window, through which William can now see Baz bolting the hatch closed. William reaches over to his left and lightly turns a small red valve, and a light hissing spreads through the compartment. When Baz is gone from the hatch, his voice comes over the radio hanging from the Bathysphere ceiling.
B: Okay. Are you reading me?
B:Tanks at optimial pressure?
William glances at a gauge, then turns a small red valve to his left.
W: Yes. The cabin is at stable condition, and we are ready for descent.
FILM TITLE SHOWN
The shot goes to Baz outside the sub, where he flips a large lever. The chain cable unwinds from the spool on the dock, lowering the sub into the water. The shot comes back to Will, where the sea comes up to cover the hatch with water. Will flicks on the light at the top of the sub and fish begin to flicker around the hatch. After a few seconds, Baz speaks.
B: Air pressure at constant?
W: No ruptures.
B: What about tank pressure?
W: Holding steady on both sides.
B: Good. I’ll bring descent up to full speed.
The sub lowers more quickly.
For a while, Will studies the animal life in awe, as the sub is lowered.
B:Oh. That’s the end of the line. You seeing anything amazing down there?
W: It’s all just mostly black down this far. But, I’m taking notes. I’ll tell you all about it when I get back.
B: That’s the spirit. I’m gonna check on the pressure gauge on the winch, make sure everything’s stable.
The shot cut’s to Baz as he walks to the winch and looks at the controls. We see the newspaper on a small table in the Shack, with the headline, "Adviser to the throne says “Threat of War is Imminent.” The shot comes back to Baz. The sound of the sea fades and the video slows as the camera pans to the sky. Baz looks up and shouts as he sees three warplanes screaming towards the dock. The shot cuts to Will. He hears loud gunshots through the radio, and Baz screaming frantically. Then, silence.
W: Baz! Baz! … Are you still there?! Baaaaz!
Will stays near the radio in hope for a moment, and looks up at the ceiling in dismay, as he falls down in panic.
The shot fades to black as we see the oxygen gauge slowly tipping downwards.
The shot fades in as the oxygen is further down. Will is panting and coughing now. The light above flickers out, bringing the scene to black for a few seconds. A blue light swells over the hatch, and the shot is now at Will’s eyes, which look absolutely astounded. Jump shot to the hatch, were an enormous blue glowing eye is watching Will. The shot fades to black as Will passes out.
The camera comes back at the dock at night. The shot is of the lever being turned back up. The face of the man remains out of frame as we see the chains being reeled in. As the chains are reeled in and the sub comes above water, the camera pans to see that the man is a soldier, holding a gun. He grabs the box of tools still on the dock and unbolts the hatch, to see Will lying apparently dead inside. As the camera cuts to black, we see Will catch his breath in a cough.