View Full Version : Marked Eclipse...a script

07 July 2005, 07:37 AM
Here's a script I've been writing for the past few days. I've written more to it than is posted here. I need to add a revision date and upload the latest revision(s), but this should tie you over until I get it done.

Thanks for looking and C&C is welcome!

07 July 2005, 06:10 AM
Do I have any takers? I would really like to improve on this so I could try to make it a CG film soon.

07 July 2005, 05:03 PM
OK, I started reading it, and so far here's what I have to say:

1) If you ever make this, don't expect it to come out the way you picture it. There's LOTS of stuff that'll never make it onto the screen, so the audience will never know any of it. I'm talking about things like the first sentence ("... brings all of society's loose ends together") and the smells in the police station, that Hasting paid a lot for his shoes, etc. All of these details (and there's an awful lot in the pages I've read so far) will be lost.

2) I don't buy any of the dialog. None of it seems to fit the characters you've set up. Along those lines, the way Vangurd speaks in the police station scene makes him seem like a whimp, but in the next scene he's a tough guy. The same with Hasting, he doesn't sould like a tough guy when he says things like, "Hey man, I see we're partners..." By the way, do you mean "Vanguard" or is "Vangurd" correct?

Also, it comes across as funny when Ly says "I won't repeat myself" after he just has.

3) If you plan on showing this to people other than friends and family, make sure it's formatted properly, not like this current version.

4) If you ever do this film I hope you have a lot of people working on it and a lot of time. It's a VERY ambitious project, what with all of the people, locations and effects.


07 July 2005, 06:35 PM
thanks for the response. I included all of the detail so that when I eventually show this so other people, I'd like them to have an image in their head what everyone loks like. I'll go back and change the way Vangurd(this is correct) and Hasting sound. They are supposed to be tough guys but they have a "human" emotional set, meaning they can act tough but some times they are "softer" than the previous scene. Think Hollywood Homicide the way the two main characters are tough but soft at the same time.

I'll figure out a way to format it differently. I may finish the script in its current format and then redo it so that it's in a "novel" format, including the rest of the missing details.

But thanks alot.

btw, it's no more ambitious than the projects being undertaken in the CTP forum. :P

07 July 2005, 08:14 PM
The difference between this an Homicide, or shows/characters like that, is that you haven't established any particular aspect of the character first. Shows like that have been on long enough that people know what the person is like, then little by little they're fleshed out. Sometimes (as in a movie), all of that can happen within one show, but usually it happens over the course of the season. And as far as I've seen, it never happens with two characters within the first 5 pages.

Pick one type-- tough or whimpy-- and make that the main aspect, then reveal the other layers later. As I said, my take on Vangurd seems to be completely different than what you intended, so I think it needs some work, though let's see if anyone posts against that. My take on him was that he was this scared little guy, the type who's happy to sit behind his desk rather than go out on patrol where it's dangerous. But then in the next scene he's beating some guy up. Generally speaking (because there can be exceptions) our first exposure to a character should set up their main aspects-- if he's tough, he should be tough the first few times we see him, then he can lighten up. But even then you need to have a REASON for them to lighten up. Audiences need to get a grasp on a character; they don't necessarily want black and white, but they need to make sense of it. If a character cuddles a cat in one scene, we'll need to know why he kicks one in the next scene.

Also, character is as character does. If a guy says all the time that he wants to be in control, but never takes control, he's not a controlling person. If a guy says his favorite flavor of ice cream is vanilla but every time he orders he asks for chocolate, we assume that he likes chocolate better than vanilla. You want Vangurd to be a tough guy who wants to be in control, but in the police station scene he doesn't act like that at all. And it's not because he's talking to his boss-- he's certainly not acting like a by-the-book officer there, so I don't see why he's not fully speaking his mind.

And try reading the dialog out loud, or have a friend do it. You'll see the problems even though you or your friend might not be a great actor. And after all, it's unlikely you're going to have Oscar-quality voice talent for the short anyway.

07 July 2005, 02:58 AM
ok thanks. I'll look at the script and play around with your suggestions. Thanks for taking time to review it and help me make it better.

07 July 2005, 05:11 AM
Here's a major update to the last one. I think it's decent format, some areas could be made better. Overall I like it, I just think that the last page is a little out of place. Thanks for taking a gander at it.

Please crit it harshly...but not too harsh as to where I cry, but harsh enough where it can be usesul :)

07 July 2005, 06:27 AM
Just another meaningless update. Looking for Critiques on this piece would be very helpful.


07 July 2005, 04:16 AM
Thanks for the feedback people! It's been really helpful. I've mananged to come up with a couple more pages, some more ideas and stuff. I'll upload the new updates once I get the new pages written up, for now..have a gander at the above post.

08 August 2005, 05:07 AM
Here's a few more bits of dialogue and scenes. I would really appreciate it if anyone would leave feedback on this piece.

12 December 2005, 11:45 PM
Ok, I have finally decided to work on my script during break from college. Will someone(preferrably everyone) read it and let me know what I should change around? I'd appreciate it alot...

Also, would you aso tell me what I should go for...either short film, book it, feature film, game script, or whatever?

B. Warner

12 December 2005, 03:22 AM
Anyone! Would really like to get this critiqued as this is going to be huge once I get the script written...

01 January 2006, 05:32 AM
It's certainly an interesting story so far.

I realize that you want people to see what you have in mind with your writing, but at this point I think the detailed descriptions are getting in the way of your story.

as it stands, I have to agree with the previous comments about Vangurd's character, he's tough, but he still whines a bit when he gets "stuck" with a partner

The amount of hostility between your main characters should make for some interesting twists, but it seems almost like a faux hostility-one minute they're beating the crap out of each other and the next they're all buddy buddy talking about why they're even there

There's one thing that leaves me a bit confused. the first rocket that launches, they see it and immediately know it's a nuke, and they need to do something about it now! - how do they know what it is and why is it suddenly thier objective above all else to do something about it?

I hope this is of some help.

01 January 2006, 07:10 AM
This helps a ton. It's been quite some time since I even looked at the script so even I don't know what the hell is going on. I do plan on using your advice and then fixing it up abit once I finish with another big project. I'll look into fixing Vangurd's character and then fix the rocker situation. Once I do that, I'll repost once I add another 20+ pages (shouldn't take too long as I have th scenes I want to mess around with written down.).

Thanks for your input!


01 January 2006, 07:28 AM
Heres some advice, to the author of this post, and anyone else.
Keep it simple. Those details are nice, but not needed, and they clutter the page.
A script with too much info on it will scare away actors, it will scare away directors, and it will scare away studios. The majority of professionally written scripts are very bare, and feature just what they need to to set up scenes, and are predominantly heavy on dialogue only.And even than, you have to be so careful with the dialogue. Once you establish a character in a script, you have to stay true to the character, otherwise you lose the audience.
Writers make stories, directors interpret the stories, and they do not want writers telling them how to interpret the stories. It's kind of mutually understood relationship. You want the character in the bar, let the director decide how he shoots the scene, just tell him what you want the guy to do once he gets there.
If I was going to write a script for Waners or Universal tomorrow I wouldn't add info in there like character motivations, or camera angles and stuff like that. If a character's motivations are important to the story, I can bring that information out through the dialogue, otherwise it doesn't matter.
Another important tip on the dialogue, not only do you want it to be true to the character, but you want it to be simple, no one has long winded conversations, and it's an easy pitfall to write large paragraphs of dialogue which might look nice on paper, but sound ridiculous on screen.
There are many people out there, who would take one look at a script like yours, and turn it down immediately. It doesn't mean you have bad ideas, you just have to trim it down. You shouldn't need more than 3 to 4 sentences to set up a scene, followed by at least two pages of just straight dialogue, minus the occasional sentence to describe a motion. Format, and simplicity are important. They want to see brief descriptions, and DIALOGUE.
No matter what you do, animation or live action, either live actors or voice actors are going to be reading your script, and you do not want them reading through all that extra info. If you feel the information is necessary, get a scripting program that allows you to make stickies next to certain scenes, so you can print out a clean script, but have the heavy script for yourself.
Now, the biggest pitfall of a new writer, is writing a 150 million dollar script for a 1 million budget studio. Know where the script is going, know what you can realistically expect to get done, and unless you are George Lucas who finances his own multi million dollar movies, understand that not everything you want to get done can get done, and if you want to see your project make it, sometimes you have to make sacrifices.
If you don't know how much things cost, find someone who knows and talk to them before you make a big scene with multiple characters, or large explosions, etc.

I always wanted to do a sci fi movie, and now I have a script that I think I can realistically see getting made as a CG feature, but part of the reason why is, it's more dialogue intensive, and reliant on the enviroments, rather than featuring non stop epic space battles, which would more than likely price me out of the ability to get a feature made.
Would I like to do an epic space battle movie, hell yes, can I, not right now. To be honest, not be able to rely on epic battle scenes to break up the movie, and fill up five minutes here and there, is actually a greater challenge to me as a writer, and is more fulfilling as a writer as well.
Salkin, or anyone else for that matter, if you have any other script questions, drop me a line any time at, if I can help you I will.

01 January 2006, 07:31 AM
I enjoy hearing all the detail that you include, helps imurse(that spelt right?) yourself in the story.

I like the hostility between Vanguard and Hasting. Though it seems Vanguard is "whining", i think he's such a badass that it wouldn't sound like whining, (i'm sure a deep voice would help)

I like the swearing though, I think it can be turned down just a tad.

Hes going home to watch Family Guy?!!, awwww comeon that just ****ed up his whole personality.

"The robber is hit multiple times before he notices, but the pain soon follows..."
(from when he shoots the robber)
Comeon, twin deagles would blast a chunk out of him the size of rhode island.

"Vanguard's bullets collide with Ly's, knocking them off course, saving Hasting's life, but barely"
LAME, no way in hell is that gonna happen, i would rethink that part.

"I told you, don't put your damn hands on me. I'm goin home. I'l see you whenever."
I think this is rushed and not very good dialouge, bad way to end a fight like this. And I also think the hostility between the two is a little high, but its your call. (seeing similar movies like rush hour and other crappy cop with partner movies, none of em beat the shit out of eachother)

"Vanguard takes off, and they speed off" repetitive. (also a lil bit before, when Hastings is opening the fridge it says "hit" instead of "it"

It seems that Ly just landed on this planet, since hes "not human", whatever the case is, maybe show some backround on how he got the missil silo in the first place!

bleh to tired, il finish it tomorrow :/

01 January 2006, 05:02 AM
Thank all of you for the input. Hellgate, I'm gonna look into what you said and make the necessary changes. I do admit that I do want the scenes shot the way I want but I don't want the headache of directing so I'll take out alot of the description. I do play around with Vangurd but I do need to fix his dialogue a bit.

Artaures - Watch 48 hours. Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy. Classic fight scene with each other. I do know the hitting of the bullets is far fetched but so is the Matrix. This isn't really set in this time so...I dunno. I'll look into it but no promises. :P I'll also look into the Family Guy thing. I added that in for a lil humour for myself. I think I'll take that scene out all together. Ly did just get there so I will add a lil scene kinda in the beginning...maybe some strewn bodies laying around the place where he is. I dunno, yet again. The desert eagle thing was just there. I don't know the damage 2 Eagles would do so I'll take your advice and make it blow both arms off. Though he still turns all black.

I'll look into this once I get my software and the script on this laptop.

01 January 2006, 05:06 PM
Good luck with that Salkin.
I always find myself being restrained when writing a script, because you want to put so much more down, and than there's this voice of reason in my head going "No!"
Always use marketablity as a measuring stick, if you can't see a script reader picking up your script and going " This is the one I've been waiting for.", than it's time to tweak.

01 January 2006, 02:19 AM
Hellgate - Thanks for the reply. I probably will end up e-mailing you with some thoughts on how to make this a better script. So far, it is getting good feedback but I do need to tweak it a tad bit. I also think that I would be better off scrapping the last 2-4 pages as I was losing inspiration and everything was kind of running together. I'll have to see. Uni is killing me with free time so it may not get updated until summer some time.

Thanks again for the responses.

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