View Full Version : Story Idea, Need Critique

06 June 2005, 09:54 PM
Here's a story idea i made up some time ago from the top of my's really weird and stuff, but I'm thinking it could be turned into a game or something or a CG movie...give me your critique/approval so I know whether or I not I should continue it on.


+ + + + + Think!! + + + + + Drugged-out. LSD. Or pure randomness. @@@@@@@@

In this world, Logic is almost nonexistent. Enjoy the outline(so far).

There is a lonely Island, one floating in a red space, encircling a white star. It has a dry and craggy surface on it unsuitable for growing anything but the toughest of plants. The occasional pool of water where vicious fish attack and eat each other for survival. It is truly a harsh place to survive.

The ruins of a lost civilization, one that called itself the Kometsu, survive, the metal spars and tresses of ancient showing black against the red sky. They died out a thousand years ago, an advanced people, having faster-than-light space vehicles, the ability to manipulate time, create or destroy life, and—

--the ability to live forever.

Just one Kometsu, Ilsand, has survived the destruction day when all was lost. He now paces his island world, alone.

But then there was a green egg. It had appeared out of nowhere, and Ilsand found it nestled inside a mountain cave, just waiting for someone to pick it up.

The egg was rotund, perhaps four feet high and three feet or more wide, sitting vertically on a pedestal. When Ilsand approached the egg, it cracked.

And shattered, like how a piece of pottery does when it is dropped on a hard surface. A Terran teenager, one of seventeen Earth years, fell onto the floor on his hands and knees, breathing his first breaths.

The boy was in nothing more than a white sarong that went from waist to the top of his knees, covering a region of the body that Terrans consider inappropriate for viewing.

His body was rather well-muscled for his thin frame, although he had never taken a step nor worked out in his life. That life being five minutes.

He also had a thick swathe of hair covering his head; a trait Terran females find rather attractive.

Ilsand looked down at the boy. He held out a thick, leathery hand to him. The boy raised his hand, copying his motion.

What is this creature? Ilsand thought. I’ve only heard of them, but I’ve never seen one.

“Uh…uh…” came the first sounds from the Terran’s larynx. He raised his hand to Ilsand, the frightening, leathery-skinned creature in front of him.

Now I remember. Terrans broke up the Universe into these Islands we call home. And destroyed my people to save their own pride!

First the Terran’s fingers touched the giant’s in front of him, then they joined hands. The Kometsu knew he was bigger by at least two feet, that he was heavier, that he was obviously stronger. He could kill the Terran at any second.

The Terran’s brown eyes made contact with the Kometsu’s blue-green.

He couldn’t hurt anyone, he’s just like an infant.

“Ka…ka…kanichi…wa?” the Terran boy shakily asked.

His first phrase, how cute.

Ilsand gently brought the boy into his massive arms and ran one his three chunky fingers through his thick hair.

“I’ll call you…” Ilsand whispered, “Shinji.”

That was the first peaceful contact between Terran and Kometsu since before the Partitioning of Islands.


-There is a lonely island in the middle of red space, encircling a white star. It has the ruins of a lost civilization upon it and no food, just water.

-A boy who is almost a man(and hatched from a green egg) is surviving on his own, alone. He only looks to the red sky and wonders, “is there anything beyond these Partitions?”

-One day while exploring, he finds an egg, only this time smaller than the one Ilsand(who died several years ago) picked up and it is a light shade of purple.

-Shinjii picks it up. The moment he touches it with his hand, it cracks with a sound like ceramic.

-A tiny creature, one with features of a Terran and that of a (random) mammal, hatches out. It is small enough for Shinji to holdd, like a baby or a puppy.

-Shinji takes it to his little shelter in the lost city. There, he raises the creature for about a week before it grows up…preferably, into another Terran male like him. Shinji calls this other man “Akira” and keeps him as his companion.

-Suddenly, the Partitions and the Island break down, leaving the two floating in space!

-Akira takes Shinji into his arms and teleports him to a larger Island, this time, inhabited completely by robots.

-Undecided after.

Possible Others:

-Shinji falls in love with his companion(shonen-ai), only to receive competition from a nymphomaniac FemBot

-Our main character has an opposite double who lives somewhere in the far reaches of the Cosmos. This double is also male, but instead of a Gothic theme, he is in white, having silver hair and will not wear anything other than white.

-On a lush, colorful Island, Shinji is offered food by a female Terran. However, having not eaten a bite on the Kometsu Island, he does not know what to do with the fruit.

The female Keira threw Shinji the hard green orb; he caught it mid-air. After catching it, he only brought it close to his eyes to examine.

A pocked green skin covered its entirely smooth surface. A tangy, yet tart, smell filled his senses.

“You want to play catch?” he asked innocently. Keira laughed.

“No,” she giggled, “you eat it. It’s a Gichu fruit.” Shinji raised a confused eyebrow. He had never eaten before in his whole eight years of life; not since the fall of the Kometsu Island, nor the escape from the psychopathic Robot City. Food was just not required for his survival.

Shinji bit his teeth into the strange object anyhow. The ‘fruit’ was rubbery, almost a tangy putty of sorts…but good.

And sweet, the first description that came to mind when he thought of Akira, his long-haired prince.

Just give me your opinions, that's all I'll need. :D

06 June 2005, 10:03 PM
Black Text on a Dark Grey background = not going to bother reading it.

06 June 2005, 10:39 PM
Black Text on a Dark Grey background = not going to bother reading it.

Seriously, please change the text to white.

06 June 2005, 10:51 PM
Yeah change the text to white and submit the thread to the Screenwriting, Storyboarding and Concept Creation (forumdisplay.php?f=156)forum :)

06 June 2005, 11:36 PM
okie, it's corrected, gotta remember white instead of black, I copied it straight from MS Word

06 June 2005, 12:09 AM
That's a really cute story! I like the names - Kometsu sounds pretty cool. It has obvious connections to Neon Genesis: Evangelion, and Laputa: Castle in the Sky. It has potential.

Screw you guys who won't bother with something cos it's in the wrong thread. :thumbsup:

06 June 2005, 01:47 AM
The only reason I didn't read it is because I'm not gonna waste my time straining my eyes to try to read black text on a dark grey background. He changed the text to white, so it's fine now. I won't comment on the story, as I really don't really like anime type stories, so I wouldn't really have anything constructive to add. I'll let all the anime fans post their comments.

06 June 2005, 11:21 AM
Screw you guys who won't bother with something cos it's in the wrong thread. :thumbsup:

Careful what you say; a good community is a structured one. If I want to read this sort of thing, I would go to the appropreate forum. Saying things like that only gets you in trouble.

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06 June 2005, 11:21 AM
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