View Full Version : NEW SCRIPT! - comments please.....
04 April 2005, 07:00 AM
Hi all :)
Over recent weeks we have started to develop a script as part of an online colaborative animated film project.
The first draft of our script is here (http://www.jarodpak.com/forum/uploads/story/003.html). You can also visit the project's online workspace(forum) at www.jarodpak.com (http://www.jarodpak.com/forum/)
We greatly would value any comments or suggestion that you may have.
Update: the 3rd draft has now been posted here (http://www.jarodpak.com/forum/uploads/story/003.html)
Update: the 4th draft has now been posted here (http://www.jarodpak.com/forum/uploads/story/004.html)[/url]
Update: the first storyboards have now been posted [URL=http://www.jarodpak.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=52]here (http://www.jarodpak.com/forum/uploads/story/004.html)
Update: the first animatic has been created here (http://www.jarodpak.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=55):bounce:
04 April 2005, 09:18 AM
Be more descriptive… Way more descriptive! That opening scene of yours made me use too much of my imagination and lord knows I have little left. Also, the names piss me off. No offence, I just hate names that are far fetched and make for a feeble attempt at giving the character some sort of originality. The character’s mannerisms should do that for him. I didn’t read much of it, but that’s what I got for ya.
04 April 2005, 06:29 AM
Thanks for your suggestions Flint. It's good to have your opinion.
Reading through the script again, I definitely agree that we need to be more descriptive (especially in the opening scene).
We should be posting version 3 of the script shortly.
04 April 2005, 03:40 AM
Had a couple of problems with draft one. But i guess that's what drafts are for... None of us are experienced in the ways of script writing (being more involved in the production side of things), but we know how important a good script is. So any more suggestions would be greatly appreciated...
here is draft 3 (http://www.jarodpak.com/forum/uploads/story/003.html)
if you want to check out the film's forum you can do so here (http://www.jarodpak.com/forum/)
04 April 2005, 03:15 PM
just some notes
some things are oddly written here imo. for example you mention a fade in then you say 'at first all is black and silent'. that's what a fade in is so lines like that are unnecessary. also 'dark asbstract textured' is not a fit description for an environment and this problem was found several times throughout. who exactly is this script written for? It's often written like a comic plot breakdown or a fiction novel imo you don't need nearly as much exposition as there is in many of the scenes. Especially things like describing the title placement. if this is written for an audience to read and critique directorial descriptions imo should be removed. or at least shortened since the opening description is a few paragraphs long
also the tedium of him being given paper, typing it, and putting it in an out tray doesn't need to take so long to describe. same with 'theatrically side to side as if to check.... etc." if you can't describe it with one phrase, instead of doubling it with two phrases you should take the time to come up with a better explanation. if this is a movie script why do we know he 'thinks he looks like clint eastwood?' these kinds of things are notes for production teams, not parts of a script. I don't really need to read that lem is extremely embarassed when the previous two sentences describe him being humiliated and turning red in the face. same with 'lem is mortified he covers his eyes tightly with his hand.' you only need the action description and it should explain his feeling. if not re-write it.
i thought the sceNe of the newton's cradle giving way to the wrecking ball was outstanding. And generally the ideas are good if only things moved more quickly. i can't get a sense of your intended pacing because of the long-winded writing.
imo things like the detailed descriptions of the contents of each cubicle should be left to concept art and storyboards. That way we don't have the "etc. etc" of unfinished explanations. my last suggestion would be to relax on the fades into and from blacks. It's used so many times that if it wsa intended to create suspense or prolong a moment it doesn't work by the ending because we've "seen" it 4 or 5 times already. I think as a short film this works but without dialogue i hope the pace is a little quicker than it seems.
04 April 2005, 06:34 PM
Well, after you are satisfied with the script.... make an animatic... It'll make everyone else understand what's happening in your film...
PS: It doesn't matter if some people don't like it.... as long as the director(you) are satisfied with it... It's ok to listen to suggestions.. Just remember to ask yourself... "Will the audience enjoy it?".... by the way, good luck! :thumbsup:
05 May 2005, 06:38 AM
thankyou very much for your thoughtful suggestions :thumbsup:. As you probably have guessed, this is our first attempt at writing a script, so the comments about what to leave in and what to exclude are most helpful.
The overuse of fading to black was something we noticed too. I think it was a result of our editing from the first draft. We tried to cut out some scenes without properly integrating the rest of the scenes. We're currently working on the next draft simultaneously with some storyboards, hopefully we will get the story flowing more effectively.
I'm really glad you like the idea of the scene with the demolition ball... That gives us a lot of encouragment! What is your opinion of the closing scene of the cubical landscape as an ending (assuming that it no longer fades up from black)?
Thanks again for your help!
Yeah we are trying to stay true to ourselves and our vision of the story. I guess you have to confident and takes some risks, otherwise you just end up with a formulaic "vanilla flavoured" story! But we also realise that we have a lot to learn, so we are open to any suggestions. Thankyou for your encouragement :).
Here is an early character concept (just for interests sake)
Stay tuned for an animatic and the next draft!
05 May 2005, 05:12 AM
They say third time lucky...
I guess the fourth time should be awesome! http://www.jarodpak.com/forum/images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif
Here it is
(http://www.jarodpak.com/forum/uploads/story/004.html)Click here (http://www.jarodpak.com/forum/uploads/story/004.html) to view the forth draft of the script
The main feedback from the third draft was that people generally liked the invidual elements of the story. However as a whole the story didn't seem to flow.
We've tried to rectify this problem and also add a little more punch.
Keep up the great feedback!
05 May 2005, 11:43 PM
HAHAHA! Well done. I liked the script. It had a simple idea, a finite setting, and if I was a producer looking for a small project I could have some fun with, it would definitely be one I would choose.
In regards to technical elements: I guess I am a fan of the minimalist approach to script writing. Some examples:
Beautiful blurred abstract shapes emerge from the bottom of the frame and gracefully begin to rise.etc... Terms like "beautiful" are subjective. Not necessary in the script. Also phrases like "a few moments pass" aren't really necessary. When you get around to constructing your title sequence, you'll just leave it up for as long as it feels good.
The characteristic 'bluooping' sound of the water cooler can now be heard as some more bubbles rise. you could tighten this up - "bluooping" may not be characteristic to some. "A bubbling sound" or simply discribing the action might invoke the sound in the reader's mind.
The camera slowly tracks to the left, and we now see the person clearly.
The camera direction is good; steer clear of using words like "we" and "now". All scripts should be written in present tense, so the word "now" is redundant. Try something like "pull focus on HERO" or "Zoom slowly into CU of HERO". Or even "stop pan on HERO"
There are various photos, action figures, pieces of fantasy paraphernalia and stationary. This is ok, if you're producing the film yourself - I use "various" all the time, too - but if you really want to make a point of what is cluttering his desk, itemise the various toys and objects. It is a direction for the props department.
Cut to (medium shot):
We now see Lem sitting at the desk.
CU of LEM sitting at desk.
Discribe only what the camera sees. Capitalise your character names.
The paraphernalia that was seen earlier is sitting to one side of the desk. There is also a small amount of paperwork, a personalised coffee cup and a Newton's Cradle
the first part is redundant, and serves only as a reference to the new things we now see on the desk; the second part is perfect - a personalised coffee cup is very telling of the character's personality, and the Newton's cradle is an object that becomes important to the plot later on - these are two examples of how mentioning the objects can be effective in getting the message across clearer. They work far better than "various objects litter his desk".
Lem remains unmoved, but his eyes snap to look at this new arrival, narrowing slightly. Slowly he lowers his hand to his sides, not taking his eyes from the paper. Like a cowboy at high noon he braces himself. Abruptly, and with surprising speed, he snatches at the paper and executes a flurry of keyboard strokes with his two index fingers.
Great storytelling, but in script form should be tighter, again. A suggestion below:
LEM stands frozen.
XCU of LEM'S eyes. LEM squints slightly.
XCU of IN TRAY. A passing breeze flutters a corner of the paper
XCU of LEM'S eyes, still transfixed on INTRAY.
MUSIC SLUG: WESTERN "HIGH NOON" THEME
XCU of LEM'S side: his hand lowers, his fingers twitch.
MID SHOT: LEM snatches the paper with one hand, and reaches for the keyboard with the other. LEM's fingers are a blur as he types.
Lem looks theatrically from side to side as if to check whether anyone else "wants a piece of him".
too descriptive. Can be accomplished with a "CU of LEM. He glances from side to side."
From the previous scene, I get the message already that he's a quick drawing cowboy. (as a reader) I do not need further description. Remember: you won't be able t tell the viewer (unless LEM speaks) that he's checking if anyone else "wants a piece of him", but it'll be all there in his eyes.
I won't disect your script further, dude; I'm sure you get the drift. It's only technical stuff that's gonna make a good script great. ;)
Love the image of the Newton's cradle just before the wrecking ball. That's classic brit humour (just check out any Terry Gilliam cartoons at the start of any Python work, or even Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Arthur Dent's house is being knocked down by beaurocrats; then his Planet is demolished by intergalactic beaurocrats.) and it always gets a laugh. (Well, out of me)
Can't wait to see this brought to life!
05 May 2005, 02:13 PM
thanks for all your tips! :thumbsup:
I'm glad you like the script.
I'm still getting used to this script writing business. I don't even know what XCU CU is... but I'm guessing they stand for extreme close up and close up?
I will try to write another more concise draft that incorporates your suggestions soon. But at the momment I'm spending all my time storyboarding... Hopefully my drawings will be clearer than my writing!
Does anyone have any comments to make about the character concept design above?
I should be posting storyboards within the next two days... till then
05 May 2005, 10:30 AM
The first storyboards! :applause: I'm excitied!
click here (http://www.jarodpak.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=52) to see all of them
05 May 2005, 12:53 AM
HAHAHAHAHAHA! That was bloody awesome! Can I ask how you put the animatic together? Have been meaning to do this for my stuff. Love the limited animation techniques (ie: same backgrounds with cut out foregrounds - the 0 1 button scene) and the angles really work well!
Well done, man.
05 May 2005, 05:20 AM
I glad you like the angles.... I wasn't quite sure whether the camera was too wide in some shots... Do you think this might look 'funny' when the characters are moving? Or do you think it might suit the themes of the script?
As for my technique... It's pretty rough and ready, but it is fairly quick for someone, like myself who isn't very good at drawing. Basically I drew the backgrounds up on paper, and then drew the characters and anything else that moves onto tracing paper. Scanned everything in... Then multiplied the foregrounds over the backgrounds and added a really rough white mask layer between them. I made a mock scene in maya for reference, just so I'd get all those wacky angles right!
(if you really wanna see good boards, check this (http://thefilmartist.com) guy out! I really like the way he breaks the frame.)
Stay tuned for a basic animatic (with stand in sound)! it should be posted within the next few days.
I really would appreciate some comments on the story.. is there anything you don't understand?? holes in the story? bits to improve? bit's to remove?
be honest... I won't be offended :)
05 May 2005, 11:38 PM
The frame that made me laugh (I mean out loud) was when you showed the guy in the next cubicle holding up a webcam in his hand. I liked that it was a wide shot, but you could tell what this small thing was.
Nice technique. Is the animatic an animated gif, or a swf file?
Will check the link out when I have some time.
05 May 2005, 05:11 AM
Thats good to know :)
We were kinda forced to use really wide angles because we wanted the cubical to be really small. I think it fits in with the theme having lem's tiny world seem "larger than life". In short, it's all good!
In answer to your question the animatic was just a simple swf file. (if you wish to do the same and don't know how I can send you my file)
- just started modelling Lem! (will post images soon)
- started sound development click here (http://www.jarodpak.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=54) to view the discussion and some initial ideas
05 May 2005, 05:40 AM
looking good bro just wanted to encourage you to keep it up. i'm actually going to be doing animations on my own in flash based on my scripts so i know how hard it is to finish and it looks like you're hitting milestones.
05 May 2005, 09:09 AM
thanks for the encouragement malcolmvexxed,
here (http://www.jarodpak.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=55) is the animatic
there is no sound as yet... but that is coming soon.
please let me know what you think!
05 May 2005, 09:09 AM
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