View Full Version : Critique my short script, Ghost Town

03 March 2005, 05:07 AM
Hey y'all,

I've been working out this story for awhile now, and am determined to do something with it. I've settled on moving around a couple of the story elements and trying to make a short out of the first scene and a couple other parts, as a pitch piece. Before I really get down to making it, though, I want the script to be rock-solid. So I'm tossing it out to the sharks.

Here you go. (

I've also created quite a bit of concept stuff for this already, so you can see some of what I have planned for visuals, if you're interested:

Sundown Saloon (
Approach to Vicious Circle (
Jim Concept Art 1 (
Jim Concept Art 2 (

I'm concerned with the pacing and the ending, as it differs quite a bit from the longer version I have penned out as a feature. But I'm curious as to y'alls reactions.

05 May 2005, 02:24 AM
i haven't read the script, im actually on my way out.

but i thought it was neat that your bar is called the sundown saloon...

i'm from boulder colorado and the sundown saloon is my favorite pub...

05 May 2005, 05:26 PM

if you could steer the vocabulary a bit back in time, it would be just great. Reminds me of the Sartre play (forgot the name) that tells about hell. If you haven't read it, do - you'll be surprised at the mental similarity despite the difference in action (or lack thereof, as the case may be). The pictures are just what they should be, unless you want to point something out a bit more. I'm for the extremes, myself --- the fire in the ending of Barton Fink is what pops to mind.

06 June 2005, 04:59 PM
Hi there,

I just started reading your script and so far i think you need to be a bit more detail, in terms of how you describe some of the scene. You are leaving way too much imagination for the readers. Other than that, i will read on. The story is quite interesting so far :thumbsup:


06 June 2005, 05:54 PM
Thanks for your comments, y'all. I'm probably going to be doctoring the script a bit today, some fairly minor tweaks, and putting it back up. I appreciate your comments.

06 June 2005, 10:48 PM
I updated the script. Pretty minor changes, but I think it flows a little better. Working on learning zBrush a bit better, so that I can create some decent character models and start animating this. Should be fun, particle-wise.

06 June 2005, 06:50 AM
very good, nice engaging descriptions and dialogue that's believable. i'd suggest if you want help animating that you head to the collabo forum. with your intention of a short story animation and the quality of your script you could definitely get help completing it, and the relatively small number of players' make it very doable.

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