XM Magdalena 3D print, GGeorgy (3D)
LC #42 Pipers Alley

View Full Version : a script for a short movie

02-25-2005, 03:01 PM
Hey, can you guys give ya opinions on this little script i made. I just wanted to write a little script to get used to writing, get a feel or it, practice, taht sorta thing. It's not the best, but its short.

Cheers :)

03-02-2005, 03:18 AM
Theres been no replies, but a lot of people checking out this thread. Can I ask why that is? Is it that bad?

03-02-2005, 03:49 AM
What file type is that in the zip?

03-02-2005, 04:21 AM
I'm sorry, I'll have to be a little harsh

yes it is bad. In my opinion this script hasn't much going for it.
Redeeming qualities: The crossroad idea. Interesting. I'd keep this.
Guy mistaking Death for aliens: that was a little funny.
I guess it's the right length
Format is good

1-The language: You know what I mean...There's swearing and there's gratuitous swear words overkill. If they were at least diversified or funny. But It's alway that tired old F****.
You use it as a crutch. There's other ways to show anger and surprise. It justs makes your character like someone who only knows 30 words. Even the worst ho's around aren't that foul mouthed

2-Characterization: The fact that he swears a lot and is obsessed with sex is all we know about your character's personnality. I doesn't make us care if he's dead or not. It doesn't matter to us that whoever is screwing whatever. Give them some traits.

3-Ending: viagra...Biatch? Come on. May be funny for 4 stoned teenage boys. That's about it. But I guess this is entirely subjective.


Take a step back and think about your screenplay. What makes it worthy of shooting. Make yourself a list:
No descriptions of anything whatsoever.
Humor: swearing and jerking off jokes. Not my cup of tea I guess
Characters: Just who are they?
Visuals: A car crash...and a hospital bed. That's not quite eye candy.
In my opinion ther's more prolems but ask different advices. I could be all wrong. You never know

I'd say grab it tear it appart. Keep one or two ideas. Build around that.
Then submit it again.

My first script stank too. We all have to go through it I guess. It's good that you practice

Cheers. Don't take it personnal.

03-02-2005, 02:21 PM
hey man, thats exactly what i wanted.

Yeah, there is heaps of swearing, but thats how i pictured myself in that situation (yes i have avery fowl mouth). It would have been better if the charactor was more polite, and just have death swearing alot.

Yeah you're right I left out alot of infomation about who the charactors are, which is something I hate about most flicks.

Thanks alot Joe, and theres no way in hell id take what you said as personal. It was really great of you. Thank you again.

This will definitly help me with another story, but I think i'll put more time, and thought into the next one.


PS yes, its a zip file

03-02-2005, 04:23 PM
Glad it helped you.
Nice to see that some people can take criticism whitout whining or heaps of self defence.
I'll be pleased to help you on your next pieces or if you decide to go forth with this one.

03-03-2005, 12:59 AM
well, i would critique it but when i download the zip file it says it is corrupeted :(

03-04-2005, 07:19 PM
the file inside the zipfile has no extension. how do we open it?

03-05-2005, 02:03 PM
well thast odd, i attached it to this thread. dont know why it dont work. its a .doc file. and it shouldnt be corrupt. hmmmmm

ill attach again (hope i dont get in trouble)

03-21-2005, 01:05 PM
Honestly, I couldn't finish it. The swearing was too much for me, even for someone who curses as much as myself. You shouldn't be so liberal with the f-bomb, because it's terribly distracting. Unless a character needs to curse a lot, such as a drunken sailor, then thats fine. But when both of your main characters seem to be cursing for no apparent reason besides the fact that you feel liberated because you're writing it, then there's a problem.

Try to tell the story with more character development and less focus on how you can make cursing funny. Then i'll take another look and actually leave a comment on the story ;) Keep it up though!

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