Its kinda got a "Finding Nemo" style to it as well..
just interested in any critiques.
by the way..its about 12-14 pages long (not bad)
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY
The Stadium is packed for the home team "BUSCHFIELD
BARRACUDAS" game. It seems as if every fish in the sea is
here. CHAMP watches the Barracuda Marching Band take the
field, as he anxiously waits to play. He is a young Salmon
trying to play on a Barracuda only team.
Champ's uniform fits snugly over his orange scaly body.
LEONARD, the team captain walks up behind Champ. Leonard is
followed by his other teammates who only hang with him to
feel accepted. The Barracudas are twice the size of Champ
and they hover over him enormously.
Champ whispers to himself.
I can do this. I can make the team.
This has been what I always wanted
Leonard taps Champ on the shoulder.
Hey little man. Are you ready to
Champ is startled by Leonard, then pumps his chest to look
Of course I am! I was born to play
Leonard and his gang turn and walk away. Champ can hear
their snickering and laughing as the turn the corner of the
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD STANDS - CONTINUOUS
The football game is just minutes from kickoff. Champ has
practiced a few plays with the team. Paula, the beautiful
Pupfish and LUIS, the Blowfish, sit in the stands, cheering
and rooting for Champ. Paula and Luis have been friends of
Champ for a very long time.
Oh, I hope he doesn't get hurt!
Relax Paula! He has all the
confidence in the world.
Well what about Leonard? I still
don't trust him.
Him and Champ have had some trouble
in the past, but maybe he has
changed? It might happen.
It might not either.
The ANNOUNCER comes over the speaker system.
Let's play some football!
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS
The game is well into the second half, and Champ has yet to
get in the game. He sits at the end of the bench with his
head in his hands. He is kicking the dirt around on the
COACH WILLIS turns back at Champ, then rolls his eyes in
Come on Champ, you're in.
Champ looks up in amazement, and then jumps to his feet. He
starts to run out on the field forgetting his helmet.
Helmet son, you're helmet!
Champ runs back and grabs his helmet and glances up at Paula
and Luis who are now on their feet cheering for Champ. Champ
then runs out onto the field strapping on his helmet.
The Announcer comes back over the speaker system.
Now entering for the Barracudas
(laughter and giggling)
Champ stops before he gets to the huddle and glances back
across the lettering on his jersey. His jersey name says
"BAIT" instead of "CHAMP". Champ then turns back toward the
huddle, where Leonard and his gang are laughing or rolling
their eyes. Champ's face turns to a stern, confident look
and he jogs into the huddle.
It doesn't matter what you do. I
am still going to play football.
Good, because this one is coming
right to you. So don't screw it
The referee blows the whistle as the barracudas come out of
the huddle. Champ lines up as the wide receiver to the
right. The cornerback that is guarding him just looks and
smirks, then steps back and crosses his hands in a relaxed
Leonard hikes the ball and throws a quick pass to Champ who
catches the ball. Champ turns to see the cornerback guarding
him just standing there. In the background Champ see Coach
Willis and the rest of the sideline team pointing for Champ
to go the opposite direction.
Champ turns around and runs 30 yards to the end zone dropping
the ball and throwing his hands in the air. Suddenly the
crowd goes quiet, and then abruptly turns to laughter.
It looks as though our team has
scored...for the opposite team!
Champ runs off the field toward the locker rooms. Paula
grabs him in an attempt to stop him from running.
Champ turns and looks at her before turning back and running
into the boys locker rooms.
INT. LOCKER ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Champ is in the locker room sitting with his head down on the
bench. His nose is runny and he has been crying.
He hears the cheers from the game, which tells him they have
won. He is still upset at the fact that he was embarrassed
by the entire team, including the coach.
Forget it. I won't ever be an
athlete...at least not at this
Champ hears the football team heading back into the locker
room. Champ quickly wipes his runny nose with his hand and
turns his back to the door, just as they come in.
(cheering and chatter)
Leonard walks up behind Champ and pushes him into the
Way to go Champ! We would have had
a shutout, but you had to help them
Champ turns around to look Leonard in the face. He doesn't
have the courage to say anything because the other teammates
gather around Leonard.
Give it up wimp. You'll never be a
Barracuda as long as...
A teammate speaks up for Champ.
JEFF - TEAMMATE
Hey. Take it easy on the little
Leonard and the others turn around to the lone teammate.
Whatever man! Are you on his side?
JEFF - TEAMMATE
No..I was just..
Forget it, he doesn't matter. He's
just a Salmon...and we're
One of the teammates slaps Jeff on the back of the head with
their dorsal fin. He turns to smack one of them hitting
Leonard in the back of the head instead. Leonard angrily
turns at them but they are all looking innocent. Jeff's eyes
slowly turn to look at Leonard.
Get him boys!
The other teammates grab the outspoken teammate and carry him
out of the locker room. They are joking and giggling on the
Let's celebrate our victory and
Champ, our scorer for the other
They storm out as Coach Willis walks in from the main doors
leading back to the field.
Well, well. I'm surprised you're
still here after that display.
Champ looks up at Coach Willis. You can tell he wants to
release his anger, but will not stand up to him.
That's what I thought. Face it
kid, you have no place on this
team. And you never will, so long
as I am coach.
Don't worry! I'm outta this crappy
town. I should have known that
you, father of the quarterback,
wouldn't let someone come in and
take the attention from his son.
Coach Willis slowly moves over Champ, covering Champ in his
You never could take his attention.
Neither could your daddy back when
we were in school. You're just
like your old man.
Coach Willis walks to his office inside the locker room and
closes the door behind him. Champ turns back towards his
locker and continues to undress.
Champ has his jersey off and starts to head out of the locker
I don't have any friends here
anyway. There's no reason for me
Champ walks out and slams the door behind him. Coach Willis
leans back in his chair to peak out at the noise, then rocks
back in his chair, finishing his conversation on the phone.
Luis who was hiding in a dark corner, steps out. Luis heard
the entire conversation.