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two.oh
06-24-2003, 05:54 AM
i need a critique of my short film posted up at:

http://www.funktion-studios.com



i havent gotten any responses from the Finish pieces section so im assumign its either terrible or people just didn't care. i'd REALLY appreciate ANY constructive criticism because this is my first animation and the 2nd animation before my senior thesis.


please please give me some feedback!

-best
two.oh

Dave Black
06-24-2003, 06:08 AM
I had to watch it twice to understand what was going on. It only made sense because you have a big still on the download page where you can actually read the sign on the cubicle. Without that, it makes much less sense.

You need to tie it all together better. The shots of the character flying end with the foot of another character that looks very similar, leading the viewer to think it's the same character that is flying, and then can't understand that the one in the cubicle now is the character that was flying.

The animation needs better timing overall. You jumped from shot to shot too fast.

Here's a suggestion of how I'd try to cut it better:

Give more time to the first shots of him flying around. When you need to change to the dismal office scene, I'd go from a heavily defocused to clear shot of that poster to set the idea and mood. Then a quick camera truck back to see the boss character doing his thing. Then cut back to the main character.

I love the way to ended it, though.

Overall, this animation is really interesting, and well put together. A few editing tweaks would really help out. These are just my impressions.

Best of luck

-3DZ

William b. Hand
06-24-2003, 07:49 AM
Reminds me of "Brazil"...:)
On the second shot, I think it'd be nice to see the character emerging out of a cloud into view. Moreso, since the character moves in from the left-hand side of the screen I think it would be more satisfying to see him continue on off the right-hand side of the screen. It keeps both our speed and the characters speed constant.
The transition to the third shot is jarring and confusing... I think you need to step back and pull us a little more carefully into the face-on shot. The awkwardness of that transition robs the boss' intrusion of power, since we're already a bit thrown and off-balance. Perhaps the remedy would simply be to back up much further from him and slowly zoom in.
The fourth shot... the timing on the foot hitting and the stomp sound are way off, that's no good. I might suggest a small puff of dust when the boss' foot hits... That'll further the impact and also reference the clouds this poor soul was just wafting through. You need to connect these two characters somehow. Their orientation to each other is not clear. If you could continue pulling back from the boss until you reveal our poor fella's position, below him, that would probably do the trick.
Since it was the foot slam that brought this grey world into view, that foot couldn't have been too far away... although in the final shot we can't see the boss anywhere, and certainly not closeby.

All that said, I really like this animation and haven't minded watching it repeatedly. The music is spot-on, and didn't get irritating. further explanation, via environment or action, about the tv-look of these characters would be nice. Seems sortuv oddly arbitrary right now. I look forward to its completion!:)

gsuhy
06-24-2003, 08:05 AM
It looks similar to: http://www.studioaka.co.uk/picas/frame1.html

but it is difficult to follow. After a few viewings it looked as though the character in the cubicle is daydreaming?.. then his boss stomps his foot as if to say,"ok, back to work!"

I would put more work into making the story more obvious to the viewer. It should be very clear in one viewing what is happening.... if it's a dream sequence about to happen... maybe start off by a slow rotating, blurring camera move into the face of the character as his eyes get a little drousy. If the other character is his boss have him at an angle above the little worker looking down upon him athoritatively....maybe a quick cut to the worker who's eyes show that he is frightened (squinting, rapid blink.. head moving back, etc).

hope this helps!

soulhill
06-24-2003, 02:38 PM
This short doesn't really come together. The lighting of the "flying tv set" in the opening scene looks light default lighting. That, combined with the simplistic palette choice serve to make the scene look amatuer.

My biggest problem is with the character animation. Again in the flying scene, the arms and legs don't move at all. All of the movement throughout the short feels overly smoothed and simplified as though these are a few movements keyframed with little or no adjustment. There isn't any really "animation" here.

However, the shot pulling back from the cube with the wall becoming transparent and then solid is quite nice and the music is top notch.

Where is the music from?

mefestofel
06-24-2003, 04:00 PM
When you have a film that's so short your camera needs to tell alot more story. The charecters are stiff and the look a bit flat. You should put as much style into your animation as you put in the doors, and the closing credits. Hand paint some textures for a richer look. And sure the camera focuses on what's important to the story...like the poster on the wall. I hope you aren't done with it. It needs alot of work.

two.oh
06-24-2003, 05:12 PM
thanks all for the crits so far, and i appreciate the smashing. it's all very constructive. i know it needed a lot of work but due to deadlines and laziness (you know how it goes in schools), i just do the best i could.

my production class was nowhere near as insighted and detailed as your critiques, i will most definitely be coming back for more with progress of my thesis.

thanks again everyone.

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