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View Full Version : Ice and Broken Toys (Dark Xmas special script)

LordDubu
11-30-2006, 02:15 PM
A couple of weeks ago a buddy was joking on the darkness of my work. He said he was pretty sure that if I was commissioned to write a story for children it would be the darkest children story ever written. He's probably right.

So as I was listening to Bare Naked Ladies' Xmas Album the Elf Song came on and this twisted Xmas special idea popped into my head. I'm writing it a day at a time. I'd love to hear some reaction to it though as none of my friends have an scriptwriting experience.

Day I: http://www.xanga.com/item.aspx?tab=weblogs&user=Lord_Dubu&uid=551678390

Day II: http://www.xanga.com/item.aspx?tab=weblogs&user=Lord_Dubu&uid=551863754

Day III: http://www.xanga.com/item.aspx?tab=weblogs&user=Lord_Dubu&uid=556767243

Day IV: http://www.xanga.com/item.aspx?tab=weblogs&user=Lord_Dubu&uid=557623505

Day V: http://www.xanga.com/item.aspx?tab=weblogs&user=Lord_Dubu&uid=561805050
TimothyElliot
12-09-2006, 08:49 AM
Both links are point to the same location. Cool so far.

My only suggestion has to do with the caption.

For me, the caption feels more dense than it should, all those prepositional phrases (6 in just 2 sentences) weighs it down. Ok, now I'm being very picky -- but it is the first thing your audience will see: the subject/verb structure of your two sentences feel weak, "rumors/sparked" and "acts/has." I think you could use more dynamic pairs -- something that relates stronger to your story -- something that helps build the momentum. Maybe you could use "elves" or "Santa" or whatever as your sentence subjects. (btw, in the second sentence, the verb for "acts" should be "have" not "has")

Do you have a story outline you could post?
LordDubu
12-18-2006, 01:19 PM
Fixed: They're pointing to different anchors on the same site now. But not the same page.

Anyway thanks for talking time to comment. I do have an outline for the rest of the script. But I'd rather post in installments.

Anyway part III is up today. The "Empire strikes back" chapter :)
LordDubu
12-21-2006, 04:43 PM
Added the fourth installment... we're up to 16 pages now. Only 6 or so to go T.V. special length.
LordDubu
01-09-2007, 03:43 PM
Posted the final installment. The saga is complete. Ha!
treehousehong
01-19-2007, 09:04 AM
You just killed Mrs Claus like that! I got her pictured as a sexy ass-kicking babe wearing those santa mini skirt. As the master mind(or at least a important part of the revolution) how can her only appearence be only her head for the few seconds! i think the audience would not know it is her just by seeing her head. but anyway, your story got me captivated. Brilliant!
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