King Poulain

[CG_Fan597]

It's a good story. However, I would break the speech up a bit and show some reactions using camera angles. :) That way we could see both Grubs's and Flora's take on what's going on as Grubs talks. ;) Or maybe even show them living in some exotic world as Grubs does his speech.

[goldensparrow]

Thanks for the advice, but, I really don't like using camera angles in my script. I think it predetermines to much in the readers, producers head, I prefer to let the reader read the scene and direct it themselves, when I'm in preprod, i'd add in the angles into my shooting script.

I had thought of having the butterflies in their own world but to keep the budget down and also because I wanted to hold on the connection between the old man and the young girl, I left them out.

[ashrass99]

Nice story...

[pconsidine]

Here's a gut reaction:

The opening scene is nicely written. I felt like there was a missed opportunity for something between Flora's meticulous chalk drawing and the threat of rain, but that's probably just me reaching for something. The part that introduces Mr. Grubs didn't work as well for me. It read a little too expository and not visual enough. I think you can illustrate the relationship between Flora and Grubs with much more subtext that you have currently.

Overall, I don't know if the story as written really brings out the sense of wonder and magic that seems to be the point of it. But there didn't really seem to be much in the way of characterization going on. Why is it important to Mr. Grubs that Flora receive this gift? How does he hope it will affect her? For example, if we see Flora getting angry that her hopscotch board isn't perfect. Or that the rain is going to wash it away. Something that indicates she needs a taste of wonder and magic.

Just my 2¢, though.

[goldensparrow]

thanks Pconsidine, great advice, just what I was looking for.

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