Help refining short - any ideas?

[JWood]

Alright, how about this...

The boy rips the top off the shoe box
(the mouse's house),
ready to scream, to yell, to question why?
And what do you think hits his eye?

A mouse's crap, small as a gnat,
but thrown by the little mouse himself.
"Why dost thou throw
your feces now,
when before you sat like a -"

"You dumb git, think about profits
of renting my butt not selling it?

Did you hear them applaud
Michigan J. Frog,
the Warner Brothers performing god?

Well no, but listen Joe,
His man had the right plan in toto.
Rent a hall, sell tickets to all
My performance will bring gold like snow.

I'm not for sale, I wanted a pal,
a partner, producer, a friend.
but this is the end,
this split, you can't mend.
Enjoy your dry bread and water."

With a little jump,
he hit the road with a bump
and was gone in the blink of an eye.




Yes, no happy ending here.

[Kargokultti]

Thing is, you could end up with a better ending if you didn't go about with the story in such a linear fashion: first there's A, then B, then you end up with a C you don't like and won't use, but can't go anywhere else as the elements in A and B point to C only.

You have the boy (poor), the mouse (singing), the mother (poor as well) whom you haven't really used as she is just there. Maybe she's sick? This could be the reason the boy would go to extreme measures, such as bothering the king (very very rich) with a rodent. But who's to say the king is rich?

I don't really want to give you any ideas, as you'll make better ones yourself, but if you take the elements you have (e.g. the characters, the style etc.) and try to combine them in different ways, you might get somewhere interesting. Give them attributes, take them away, see how they fit together.

[Kaptain Kubrick]

Whats the story about the mouse that climbs inside the kings / mans mouth when he is asleep? Could the mouse have a way of solving the problem in his own little way. Maybe he passes over his singing talent in some magical way - some how the boy swallows the mouse and can sing?

[Joe Burnham]

Haha.

Michigan J. Frog.

The mouse doesn't want to sing because he's not getting paid. Plain and simple.

[ralphwiggum]

mouse sings beautifully.
king is impressed.
Thieves are also impressed, and hit boy on the head
and steal the mouse.
Boy goes home sad, and poor.
Many years later, boy sees poster - singing mouse will perform
in the colliseum before entire kingdom. Boy can't afford a ticket.
So boy comes up with plan, to trick the thieves into admitting they stole mouse.
plan works. thieves go to jail. Boy gets the princess, and also gets the kingdom
thanks to singing mouse.

[jammin]

the mouse can't really sing -it's all a scenario inside the boys head, dreaming of a way out of his situation; a better life for him and his mother.

[dorvanium]

boy : Why didn't you sing ?
mouse : you wanted me for years even when you didn't know that I can sing . I put the king into a test , and we all learned that he didn't want me as a simple mouse and not singing , he doesn't deserve this . I want to be with you .

and then they decide to perform for the people and that's how they get money .

[JWood]

I'm hearing a bit of Tony Bennet or the like in this, yeah, sure, the rhythm sucks, and the rhymes aren't so rhymy but at least there's a happier ending this time.

"I can sing," sang the mouse
"and dance, you've seen me prance
just listen a sec, please,
gimmie a chance."

"The King,
he's got a thing,
against performing mice, and the price
will be our heads on sticks in Saim."

"Gosh golly, hot damn,
I had no idea, thank you Sam!
Listen close, I think I've got me a plan."

"Three perfomances a night,
with you at the mike,
You'll be a hit, we'll make a mint
and girls'll offer favours, get my hint?"

They both shook hands
like do business friends
and scampered off to get fitted for hats.


Say it with me... GOLD, Jerry, GOLD!

[dbmata]

What's really missing here is a solid moral. Nursery rhymes or fables were almost always used to teach a lesson, or to give a warning.

Think Bros. Grimm, Aesop, etc.

You should think of the message you want to impart to people. Do you want to make a short that speaks out against greed? Classism? Rodent lovers?

What is the actual point of the story? Once you have that, a story may come to you.
D

[CG_Fan597]

How about this ending?:

The boy and the mouse, after being booted out, sit alone in a park and the mouse sings to the boy who is practically in tears. Then, it just so happens, the king is taking a stroll at that same park unbeknownst to the mouse and the boy. He manages to overhear the mouse singing and realizes how much of a jerk he was to the two of them. He decides to make it up to them by paying them handsomely. The mouse, realizing he actually performed in front of someone other than the boy, overcomes his shyness and the two of them become the royal court entertainers. :) Then they all live happily ever after. How's that? ;)

[pconsidine]

What's really missing here is a solid moral. Nursery rhymes or fables were almost always used to teach a lesson, or to give a warning.

Think Bros. Grimm, Aesop, etc.

You should think of the message you want to impart to people. Do you want to make a short that speaks out against greed? Classism? Rodent lovers?

What is the actual point of the story? Once you have that, a story may come to you.
DThe best advice in the whole thread.

As an aside, I think the mother needs to figure into it more prominently. You seem to be lacking any kind of conflict in the story as you've sketched it. The mother could be in conflict with the boy over the mouse. Developing a good conflict will almost inevitably lead you to a good ending, too.

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