The Universe Explained?

[Nucleo]

Hi

Well i think you start very good with your story and with explaining the theory and then when the prof. was climbing the babel tower, but after that you lost me.. I mean a man hitting a boy and him and then an auditarium full of monkeys and then another one it was a bit strange. I understand what you are trying to do but i dont see how the story is progressing or helping the character find a higher truth.. If you want to have a bunch of abstracts thoughts that the prof. has (before he dies or heals) its fine but that just didnt seem right to me.

Also the scene with the lighting rig crashing on the prof. Why tell that? i mean when i read it i knew what the end was gonna be.. he was either to wake up in a hospital room (or where the rig hit him) or he was to die and fullfil his dream. I think i would be more intersting if you tell the story like the sixth sense where we the audience think that bruce willis is alive and then at the end we found out he is dead..

Other than that it was a great piece professionally written and coherent through out the read, there are some scenes after the professor was hit, where he wakes up in the desert and again when he founds the tower, that was perfect.. and again when he is climbing the tower and he reaches a point where he cannot see the ground i though that was amazing.

Well i hope this help.

[Der Spieler]

Hi Nucleo,

Thanks a lot for your reading.

The idea behind the abstract events is that the prof. has become lost in his own theories. He claims to have uncovered the secrets of the universe and he is about to reveal the answer to the world. When he talks about the tower of babel, he explains that God confused the peoples language because he feared they were too close to reaching heaven. The lighting rig falling on the prof's head is supposed to be an act of God preventing the prof from sharing his secret. During the prof's dream, his language becomes confused by the people he meets and the books he reads. When he wakes up, he is unable to communicate in a language anyone can understand and therefore unable to reveal the meaning of the universe. Basically, God did to him what he did to the people of babel.

Thanks for your comments

[TobyArt]

Great stuff. Very well written and an easy read. Very confusing. I think you could get across the point with a lot less in the middle. I loved the monkey rooms, the visual I pulled off of it was astounding and I really liked the tower scenes. The rope and the boy seemed very confusing, but I did like the language problems throughout the dream. His injuries seemed too common of a transition. Perhaps just say a typewriter being thrown at him, he covers to block, then finds himself in a different room, or something out of the usual injury to next scene would be a good mix up. The man hanging from the ceiling and the slit wrists seem out of place (I may have missed something there) It adds drama to the scenes, but could be a bit unnecessary. For the light rig falling, a bit of foreshadowing with a quick shot of a bolt bending here and there after he says "I will reveal" or something like that could make it seem less random and more like God. The visuals of this piece would be fantastic and I wish you the best of luck with this if you pursue it further. I would love to be of help with that but it is a sized project that would require a full studio crunching on it. Best of luck and great work.



Just another quick thought for the dream, maybe he could find someone with lots of knowledge and no tongue. Again mostly for foreshadowing purposes. Say a man with stacks and stack of books around him reading furiously, then when he asks him if he understands the books the man could frantically try to speak to no avail. (hence no tongue)



Anyway I have to get back to work, but great stuff

[Wiggin]

Very nice indeed. I was hoping for the explanation of the universe, but instead I found a new version of a classic (The Tower of Babel) that enthraled me with fantastic visuals, interesting story lines, and a great twist. Great work. I hope you find an illustrator to help with this. I would really love to see it.

[Der Spieler]

Thanks a lot, guys.

Glad you enjoyed it

[Manifestant]

I totally dug this. Glad I'm not the only one with a wicked imagination.
The beginning reminds me of DaVinci Code, the middle like Kubrick (2001), and the ending like Twilight Zone.
I wasn't a bit confused, well... not as much as I was with 2001. This tale has great imagery, but I think the ending should take a different approach. ie: from the viewers point of view, you hear in understandable language of what the woman is saying, but from the POV of the professor, have it a bet "foggy" and undecypherable. Our POV, he speaks and it's not understandable. His POV, he repeats the same lines over and over and we understand him, "I know the answers, Ellen... I know the answers..."

Great job, and good luck.

[Der Spieler]

Thanks, Manifestant.

That's actually a great idea about the ending. I think I'll include that in my next draft.

Cheers.

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