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NeptuneImaging
11-11-2005, 04:46 PM
Hey, everyone. After taking a break from writing my feature script, I decided to write a short script that is a little different than what I am used to. The short film is for a CG Short I am making as well, and it will run for about 4 minutes max.

I would like your critiques and tell me if there is ANYTHING i can do to make it flow better and everything. This project is a one man operation. Thanks. The Script is an RTF format. And the title is called "Soda Machine"

Matty2Phatty
11-11-2005, 05:00 PM
I just had a read of it... and my only comment would be that your conclusion isn't satisfying.

When the other person was able to buy a soda with the dollar, that was the high point, and it all went downhill from there.


Have you seen The Patriot? with Mel Gibson? In that movie, Colonal Tavington (i think that was his name, played by Jason Isaacs) basically kills off his family, all through the movie, constantly tearing away everything that Mel Gibson lives for.

In the end when Mel stabs him, it just doesn't feel like it's enough.

Your script was like that.

NeptuneImaging
11-11-2005, 05:18 PM
And what do you suggest I do for the ending...? This script is still in rough form.

Matty2Phatty
11-11-2005, 05:25 PM
Well, without actually re-writing it for you, i'd say just work in an ending that feels more satisfying. It just feels more like it kind of trailed off, rather than ended with a bang.

One joke shorts like this are supposed to end with the audience thinking "ahh, that was clever" and smiling, glad they spent 4 minutes watching it.

NeptuneImaging
11-11-2005, 05:43 PM
Okay, here is the script with the changed ending. I am going for cute here (which I am not known for in my writing) so feel free to critique the best you can.

Matty2Phatty
11-11-2005, 05:50 PM
hehehe, yeah, it feels tighter and more consistant now.

I'm actually in production for a short at the moment, and i remember the trouble i went through in the scriptwriting stage, trying to get it all to balance out. It's worth it in the end though.

NeptuneImaging
11-11-2005, 06:03 PM
I mean, I left bad at first writing that part...maybe she could drink it anyway, and smile...i don't know. It sounds funny now.

Thanks a bunch

serge animation
11-13-2005, 02:16 AM
The section about the soda machine personified 'laughing' at her seems pointless to the story, and just feels like an add-on. Either take that part out and just have the machine not accept the little girl's money without any faces, or in the ending have the machine do something to the older girl, preferably something funny which will also add a punch to the ending.

pcgeek86
11-14-2005, 12:41 PM
It kept my attention until the end of the story. :)

NeptuneImaging
11-15-2005, 02:10 PM
@ pcgeek: thanks for the crit. If there is anything I can change, keep me posted...I am going for cute and funny.


@ serge: Thanks for catching that. At first, in my head i was going to go really cartoon with this, but in the end I concluded with realism. The machine had no face.

I did end up changing the section about the machine laughing into this:

OLD:


She pushes the buttons frantically. The machine laughs. Paula's face looks
so mean. She smashes the buttons. Then gives up. She walks away,
dejected.


NEW:


She pushes the buttons frantically. The machine is unresponsive. Paula's
face looks so mean. She smashes the buttons. Then gives up. She walks
away, dejected.

I hope that it works. This is my first time writing humour.

NeptuneImaging
02-16-2006, 08:20 PM
Hey, I have been away for quite a while, working on my other writing projects and book publications. Anyway, this script has a new title called "Soda Pop Kid" and instead of a hotel area, I decided to take the story to a funnier level at the dentist...where Paula just her teeth done.

It relates to when I was little and drank a soda AFTER getting my teeth cleaned. Funny stuff...I will post a script later on.

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02-16-2006, 08:20 PM
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