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View Full Version : CRIT: TV Pilot Script 'Mahue Pouri' - school assignment


robo3687
08-11-2005, 09:08 AM
Hey guys.

Below you'll find a yousendit link to a 1MB pdf of a 32 page (i think...lol) script for a TV pilot that I have written.

This is for my major english assessment which goes towards my final mark. It is set in New Zelaand (I'm in Australia) and I guess it's kind of a tragedy...

http://s22.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=1KRKOQYTPKJ0S2Q9V04LQS96H6

anyways...please do take a look....offer comments where desired....they're muchly appreciated.

dbates
08-17-2005, 11:47 PM
Initial thoughts. . .

Page 2. Is the man (that climbed out the window) carrying anything? Gun? Stolen goods?

Page 2. If you come back from work and see somebody climbing out a window of your house, you’ll probably say something stronger than “hey you”.

Page 3. “Did you get a look at them?” “No, they were running. . .” Should be singular, right?

Page 4. Who is Brian? I know, we find out later, but right now we’re going. . . okay. . . who is this guy anyway? Is he a cop? Detective? Friend? How does Steven know him? Basically, introduce Brian somehow—give us a little background. (Just my opinion)

Page 13. I got a little confused here. Brian = Bob? ??? But it worked out in the end, so it might just have been me. . .

Overall, it’s pretty good. . . though a little unsettling.

--dbates

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