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kikaider
07-28-2005, 12:04 PM
I really need some help on my short story for my 2d animation uni project. I am a really crap story writer. Never good at it. I have this simple story that is lack of structure. I hope you guys can help me out here. I want to keep it simple but smart.

Storyline

Jess is an ambitious 10 year old boy that always wants to be different and better than the other kids. So one day his teacher asked each of the students to come out with a science project. Jess though hard of what he wanted to make, and decided that he would make a bomb. Jess got onto the internet ands tarted googling on how to make his bomb.

The next week everyone came to class and the teacher ask the students to present their projects one by one in front of the class. The first kid that went up showed his wooden aeroplane. The second kid presented a windmill and the third kid presented a volcano. Then the teacher called Jess up next. Jess went up and presented his bomb.

The teacher then graded his bomb a F. Jess was not happy with his marks and asks that his teacher remark it. His teacher told him that his marks were final and there will be no way to regrade it. Jess wanted to prove to the teacher that his bomb was worth an A. So he sets off the timer and the teacher started to get worried. He told Jess to switch it off but Jess suddenly realised that he does not know how.

The teacher decides to take over and asks Jess for a pair of scissors. Sweating nervously the teacher proceeds on to opening up the bomb. He sees lots of wires and cannot decide on which wire to cut. So he just plays a guessing game and cut one of the wires.

The timer on the bomb started counting down faster and suddenly it stopped at the last second. Then Jess realised that the battery has gone flat. Everyone was relieved that it was finally over.

Another kid pulls out a battery and says “I’ve got a spare!!” Everyone in the class looks at him, but too late. He had already plugged it in. One second later everyone was charcoaled by the explosion.

stepington
07-29-2005, 06:21 AM
Uh . . . what's the point of this story?
Are you saying that bombs make you better than "normal" people? Is this funny?
:surprised


Or is it about how you hate bombs? If you're anything like me - then you hate violence. In which case I'd make sure you structured your tale in such a way as to make your point of view more clear. . .

good luck - I hope your future is a long and peaceful one. . .

kikaider
07-29-2005, 06:25 AM
supposedly children are ambitious without knowing consequences. Something like that. I am totally rubbish and have no ideas at all for stories. I think its because i dont read much. I was thinking of adding a middle eastern kid into it that blows himself up along with the rest of the class. Sort of a suicide bomber thingy that is so big in the news today.

kikaider
07-29-2005, 12:06 PM
I need some missing elements in my story. It seems kind of dull at the moment. I hope someone could help out here. Thanks!!

GreyKid
07-31-2005, 09:44 PM
How long is the story?

Is it just a set up of a gag and then the execution?

Me, I thought it was funny and could really see it working as a gag/sketch not as a story that should have a traditional beginning, middle and end.

The build up, visually, would be really nice, showing him surfing the net, sketching blueprints, asembling parts etc.

You don't even have to show him making the bomb, he's just assembling, sketch and working hard, revealing it at school would be a gag in itself. Make it a mystery what he is making, then when it comes to unvail it it works to build up the story.

To me, you seem to have everything in place (for a gag/sketch) just add more visual jokes.

kikaider
08-01-2005, 03:58 AM
Its a short 2 min animation for my uni Major Project assignment. Yeah the build up is ok but then after that it seems things are not tying up. My lecturer says that it has bad structure....i have no idea what that means. I will try to rewrite it and put it here.

kikaider
08-01-2005, 03:39 PM
Its still kinda same but i just cleaned it up abit. The ending is shit. Any ideas for endings?

ps: The kid that blows himself up at the end is the same kid that stands up saying "I have had enough of this...bla bla bla", when the teacher handed out the grades.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Revised

Jess is an ambitious 10 year old boy that wants to be different and bigger than other kids. So one day his teacher gave assignments to the students to each come out with a science project. Jess went home and thought about what he would do.
Jess had this great idea which he thought would blow everyone away. He started going online to research on his project. He spent the whole week working on his project.
Then the next week everyone brought their respective projects to class. Jess was sure a project as mind blowing as his would score him good grades. When it came to Jess’ turn, he placed his project on the table in front of the class. He started by pointing out what it was.
When the class heard it was a bomb, everyone was shocked and started to get worried. The teacher was skeptical about a 10 year old being able to build a bomb. So everyone in class just sat tight and let Jess finish up his presentation.
The next day, the teacher hands out their grades one by one. One kid stood up and said “I’ve had enough of this! We’re always getting bad grades!”. Then Jess got his grades and was also not happy with what he saw, an F. Jess confronted the teacher to remark every ones work. The teacher stood stern about it and did not want to change them.
So Jess walked up to his bomb and armed it to frighten the teacher. The teacher did not want to take the chance of the bomb being real, therefore told Jess to switch it off and he’ll re-grade them. Jess thought for a moment and hit the off button but the timer continued to count down.
The teacher started to panic and decides to disarm it himself. He opens up the bomb and sees a bunch of wires and simply cuts one of them and the timer still did not stop. So he decides to just cut them all. As soon as he does that, the timer started to count down very rapidly.
As it reached zero everyone in the class had their hands over their eyes. Then a moment went by but the bomb did not go off. The timer showed zero but everyone was still alive. Everyone jumped in joy when suddenly an unhappy student with explosives strapped to his body jumped out. The kid just gave an evil laugh and blew himself along with the class up.
:bounce:

kens
08-01-2005, 10:20 PM
this reminds me of a manga i read in the past but i cant remember the name.

Joe Burnham
08-02-2005, 09:17 AM
Kik,

A story like this hits far too close to home with many families in America. It's in the news for a reason and shouldn't be taken as lightly as you're making it out to be.

Secondly, there's no reason to portray a teacher that only gives out bad grades then only focus on Jess' bad grade. Jess should receive a bad grade because his project was in horrible taste. In reality, a child 10 years old would have been sent to the office and the authorities would have looked into Jess and his family, especially in today's school systems.

The addition of the suicide bomber at the end, personally, is not something I would attempt. As much as you'd like to fight for freedom of expression, some things are just plain tasteless and insensitive. When it comes to schools and violence, especially terrorism (suicide bombing), there really is no room for consideration.

If I were you, I'd scrap the idea altogether, or, consider another project for Jess to build. If you want, I can lend some ideas.

Good luck.

Bandicoot
08-02-2005, 05:24 PM
How long is the story?

Is it just a set up of a gag and then the execution?

Me, I thought it was funny and could really see it working as a gag/sketch not as a story that should have a traditional beginning, middle and end.

The build up, visually, would be really nice, showing him surfing the net, sketching blueprints, asembling parts etc.

You don't even have to show him making the bomb, he's just assembling, sketch and working hard, revealing it at school would be a gag in itself. Make it a mystery what he is making, then when it comes to unvail it it works to build up the story.

To me, you seem to have everything in place (for a gag/sketch) just add more visual jokes.

The idea sounds more like a moral story for adults not listening deeply enough to their children. It can work if A) You paint the teacher as someone who trivializes children to a ridiculous level and B) The child has to be completely innocent. Any small smirks and scowls can be interpretted as hostile, arrogant action by your viewer. So keep the child as a happy-go-lucky little gifted scientist and it could work well.

Eckie
08-03-2005, 10:20 PM
I think I agree with your lecturer; what's missing is a decent structure. That means there's no use in making up a new ending, cause that doesn't bring in a decent structure! :)

So start at the basis: what is it you want to tell? What's the point you're trying to make?
Answering this question gives you a structure. After that you can build a story on top of that. You could still use the 10 yr old and the bomb, but having a structure to build on will give your story some impact.

(Seen from a different view: What makes a good story is what the audience is left with after they've seen it. What they will be left with is the point of the whole story. Since you're not really clear on what your point is, all people are left with is "huh... what's this all about?", which has no power at all.)

Conclusion: Get your point clear, then move on.


I hope this is valuable for you. :)

quackpang
08-08-2005, 06:35 PM
I can't say i agree with Joe Burnham's statement. My point of view is that nothing is so serious that u cant make fun of it. An international audience would love this.

I like how the story ends. One minute the audience thinks it's a traditional hollywood-end, until the class blowes up afterall. A nasty suprise.

But why does the teacher fail the project? Is it because she's offended by it? or does she just not take it seriously?

Keep it up :)

Joe Burnham
08-10-2005, 09:36 AM
I can't say i agree with Joe Burnham's statement. My point of view is that nothing is so serious that u cant make fun of it. An international audience would love this.

I like how the story ends. One minute the audience thinks it's a traditional hollywood-end, until the class blowes up afterall. A nasty suprise.

But why does the teacher fail the project? Is it because she's offended by it? or does she just not take it seriously?

Keep it up :)

If you believe nothing's so serious you can't make light of it, and you ship out a product that offends the masses, you cannot sit there and act surprised.

The fact is, the concepts of suicide bombing, child/school violence is less than intriguing to ANY American/European viewer, in fact, it would be offensive. Sure, some will find it entertaining, but even I, one who's very hard to offend, finds this in bad taste.

From a purely critical perspective, all the characters need more evidence of motive in the story to warrant their behaviors. For example, if your teacher ALWAYS gives bad grades, there needs to be some kind of reason for this. If this is just accepted as true, it will be hard for the casual viewer to connect points B and C of the story.

Perhaps I'm wrong...I am kind of tired right now.

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