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ejlan1
07-24-2005, 05:48 AM
Hi all,
I'm making a short animated film. Here's my script. I'd love to know what somebody else thought of it! Some contructive criticism would be really helpful. It's going to be fully cg animated and about 4 minutes long. Thanks heaps!

script_draft4.rtf (http://users.tpg.com.au/%7Esalnev/script_draft4.rtf)

Dead Rabbit
07-25-2005, 08:10 PM
Just a quick note, You mention four minutes - yet page to screen translates roughly as a minute a page. You have seven pages and quite a dense shooting script.

Can I also add that as a 'draft' stage do not spend too much time on the shots - this will come out at the storyboarding stage - use the writing time to build up the quality of your narrative and subtext. This inclusion also gets in the way of a potential read. The inclusion of lighting falls under this banner too. (Keep it as a spec script)

I would also advise against the use of voice overs - especially when you have the character looking to camera, then VO'ing the line.

I got the jist early on, however the only other thing to mention was the pace. It read like a lot of padding (all the camera moves etc didn't help). For the next draft I would like to see a tighter script. Try to start near the end of the scene as possible.

Please note, this is just an opinion, there is no formula.

Good luck

D.

ejlan1
07-26-2005, 11:16 AM
Thanks for your comments Dead Rabbit.

Yeah, I agree with you about there being too much on shooting and lighting etc in my script. Looks like I've done a lot in the scripting stage that I should have done later, during storyboarding. Possibly this is why the script seems so long for 4 minutes?
With the voice over thing, I was trying an alternative approach to saving on lip-syncing. With the whole puppeteer and marionette thing I was hoping that lip-syncing wouldn't seem too out of place. It also puts more emphasis on the moments the the protagonist does actually speek.
I've roughed out a storyboard(not worth posting) but moved pretty quickly on from that and am now working on an animatic, which I'll post when it's more finished. Hopefully it won't seem as padded as the script does.

thanks again,
Evan.

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