Beginning of a short

[mberrynk]

i think your idea has a lot of potential but you really need to explore the acting in your character. His motions are very straight ahead and stiff, like you were thinking "ok now he turns his head" so he turns his head, then "ok now he moves his hand" so he moves his hand. I think you need to overlap these actions, it will make your character feel more alive. The heavy breath towards the end is also a little too silent film, it's a film convention used all the time but mixing in some other actions, like a weight shift, might take enough focus away. Anyway, like i said, the possibilities are endless with your idea so make sure you give your character enough personality to make it interesting.

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