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Max4d
05-09-2005, 05:47 PM
COMON GUYS< SOME FEEDBACK WOULD BE NICE

I EDTED THE VERSION A BIT







Ascension


A bluish streak of light just passed by the Chosen One face. The heavy blow would have surely killed him had he not tried to make a cunning move enhanced by the supernatural reflexes only a Jedi could posses. The Force, this entity of power and temptation was flowing trough his veins as if he were the true incarnation of might. But Anakin couldnít care less. He tried to deny it, but the urge, this call, was too strong to dismiss. Voices were telling him what to do, how to react, how to move, how to kill. He dismissed them, thinking them a pool of damnation and hypo criticism. Only restriction and boundaries were set upon him by following the ways of the Jedi, the ways of the Council. They would not see his visions, his ideals, would easily dismiss them as if they were the thoughts of a mere infant, a simple being that didnít have any understanding of this force that flowed trough his veins. The respect he truly deserved was neglected, honours he deserved dismissed, actions judged and never, never would he be praised for the feats he delivered during his battles for the massive Clone wars. These Council members would soon learn the truth of his skills and the powers he had gained. He would destroy them all, wiping there miserable existence and never polluting the minds of children again. Their so called peacekeeping would be but a mere whisper amongst his greatness.

His thought were disturbed as he felt a warm glow around his left eye, followed by a warm red liquid streaming over his face as it slowly made itís decent. Little drops of blood were making themselves clear on the moulted lava around him. The burn on his face began to increase as he started to realize that the dodging move he had just made earlier left a permanent mark after all. As he slowly began to touch his face he looked at the vague figure before him, illuminating the red uisch surroundings by a bright streak of light. As the figure began to form shape he started to recognize his former mentor and more important, his so called closest friend. The one he had loved and cared for as the father he never knew but always desired. The one that had thought him the ways of the Jedi in his own naivety not knowing how foolish and false they are. The one that had protected him. The one who should have been by his side, not against him, when he had felt the deepest urgency too express his emotions. He truly felt betrayed by his former master as they stood face to face on the massive battleground they had shaped around them. The titanic forces of two Jediís were the cause of a huge streaming river of lava, surrounding the two former friends in a battle that could only end in death and decay. Rocks and boulders moved around them as the two stood on a floating discus, ever turning and moving, pulled by the great power of the dangerous reddish liquid. The only thing that stood out were two tiny shapes, guided bye an equal amount of bluish light around them. But soon, Anakin realized, it was time for one of those mighty weapons to disappear in the ever mighty river of lava, always hungry, always consuming.

He felt as if every limb, every blood vessel, every building block of his body was torn apart in a different direction. A side of him wanted nothing more then to throw his lightsaber away and run into his masters, his fathers, arms and tell him how he felt, to persuade him of his ideals and his feelings. Grief, misery, pain; he wanted to express them, to let them go and explain, just explain what he had become. The pain he felt was so overwhelming he nearly fell down has it not been for the stinging pain that was slowly beginning to cover his entire body. As exhaustion was starting to demand its toll it was but now that he realized they hadnít been standing still all this time. So consumed bye his thought and emotions, he nearly forgot to parry a heavy descent of the might opponents lightsaber. He felt the pain in his face heightening, fuelling the anger he felt so dearly for this person, this charade of goodness and truth. This so called master of the force, his closest friend for over two decades. He felt nothing but anger for this man, nothing but sincere hate and revulsion.. Where was he, when he needed him the most, where was he when he heard of the death of his beloved wife and children. He should have been at his side. He should have been there to say that it wasnít his fault, that he was not to be blamed bye letting them down as he had let down his mother in the past. Where was he when he needed his guidance!

He would teach him what he had become. The hard way. Nobody would get away unpunished by defying the greatest of Jedi. Nobody. He would teach them all, would make sure they never saw daylight again, to cause them the pains tenfold that they had caused him. As he looked inside him he felt and explosion of a thousand thoughts, all consuming him, helping him to let go of humanities evil grip. He pushed them above, fuelling his anger even more so he could push every inch of his power, every fibre of his being into an entity this galaxy had never seen before. As he rushed forward towards this puny obstacle with red shot eyes and an evil smiled he thought of his only true friend, the one that had always respected him for who he was, never questioning his motives or his way of thinking as if they were the same, as if they were brothers. Yes, they were brothers indeed, not bye looks, but bye though and he would give him his deepest desire. Power.

The mighty sabers danced around in a graceful but aggressive dance, marking the two opponents face with the so distinct blue light, removing there masks and expressing there deepest hate for one another. As the quick series of parries and attacks continued the Chosen one looked in his masters eyes as they began to soften, as the strength of every blow began to weaken. How foolish of him. The eyes suddenly widened, displaying a look of disbelief and terror. As his eyes began to descent towards his belly, blood was starting too poor out of his mouth. Where there one were guts and intestines there only remained a void of nothingness now , as if they were the reflections of the Masters thoughts this very moment. Anakin looked his victim with a smirk, never losing his sights on his opponents eyes as the light inside them slowly began to fade away. Red liquid was starting to fill the floor, slowly making its way toward Anakinís feet, as if they were greeting him, as if the essence of his opponent had turned against it and asked Anakin for forgiveness. He crouched and picked up a sample, tasting it, loving it. The bluish light of the masters saber began to diminish, until it faded away, guiding its master into eternity. Anakin stood up, looking one last time at his master, his friend, his enemy. He felt finally free, free of guilt, free of conscious, free of mortal boundaries. His ascension was finally beginning.

Max4d
05-13-2005, 09:48 AM
hmm, is it this bad??

Max4d
06-10-2005, 09:45 AM
COMON GUYS< SOME FEEDBACK WOULD BE NICE

I EDTED THE VERSION A BIT




Ascension


A bluish streak of light just passed by the Chosen One face. The heavy blow would have surely killed him had he not tried to make a cunning move enhanced by the supernatural reflexes only a Jedi could posses. The Force, this entity of power and temptation was flowing trough his veins as if he were the true incarnation of might. But Anakin couldnít care less. He tried to deny it, but the urge, this call, was too strong to dismiss. Voices were telling him what to do, how to react, how to move, how to kill. He dismissed them, thinking them a pool of damnation and hypo criticism. Only restriction and boundaries were set upon him by following the ways of the Jedi, the ways of the Council. They would not see his visions, his ideals, would easily dismiss them as if they were the thoughts of a mere infant, a simple being that didnít have any understanding of this force that flowed trough his veins. The respect he truly deserved was neglected, honours he deserved dismissed, actions judged and never, never would he be praised for the feats he delivered during his battles for the massive Clone wars. These Council members would soon learn the truth of his skills and the powers he had gained. He would destroy them all, wiping there miserable existence and never polluting the minds of children again. Their so called peacekeeping would be but a mere whisper amongst his greatness.

His thought were disturbed as he felt a warm glow around his left eye, followed by a warm red liquid streaming over his face as it slowly made itís decent. Little drops of blood were making themselves clear on the moulted lava around him. The burn on his face began to increase as he started to realize that the dodging move he had just made earlier left a permanent mark after all. As he slowly began to touch his face he looked at the vague figure before him, illuminating the red uisch surroundings by a bright streak of light. As the figure began to form shape he started to recognize his former mentor and more important, his so called closest friend. The one he had loved and cared for as the father he never knew but always desired. The one that had thought him the ways of the Jedi in his own naivety not knowing how foolish and false they are. The one that had protected him. The one who should have been by his side, not against him, when he had felt the deepest urgency too express his emotions. He truly felt betrayed by his former master as they stood face to face on the massive battleground they had shaped around them. The titanic forces of two Jediís were the cause of a huge streaming river of lava, surrounding the two former friends in a battle that could only end in death and decay. Rocks and boulders moved around them as the two stood on a floating discus, ever turning and moving, pulled by the great power of the dangerous reddish liquid. The only thing that stood out were two tiny shapes, guided bye an equal amount of bluish light around them. But soon, Anakin realized, it was time for one of those mighty weapons to disappear in the ever mighty river of lava, always hungry, always consuming.

He felt as if every limb, every blood vessel, every building block of his body was torn apart in a different direction. A side of him wanted nothing more then to throw his lightsaber away and run into his masters, his fathers, arms and tell him how he felt, to persuade him of his ideals and his feelings. Grief, misery, pain; he wanted to express them, to let them go and explain, just explain what he had become. The pain he felt was so overwhelming he nearly fell down has it not been for the stinging pain that was slowly beginning to cover his entire body. As exhaustion was starting to demand its toll it was but now that he realized they hadnít been standing still all this time. So consumed bye his thought and emotions, he nearly forgot to parry a heavy descent of the might opponents lightsaber. He felt the pain in his face heightening, fuelling the anger he felt so dearly for this person, this charade of goodness and truth. This so called master of the force, his closest friend for over two decades. He felt nothing but anger for this man, nothing but sincere hate and revulsion.. Where was he, when he needed him the most, where was he when he heard of the death of his beloved wife and children. He should have been at his side. He should have been there to say that it wasnít his fault, that he was not to be blamed bye letting them down as he had let down his mother in the past. Where was he when he needed his guidance!

He would teach him what he had become. The hard way. Nobody would get away unpunished by defying the greatest of Jedi. Nobody. He would teach them all, would make sure they never saw daylight again, to cause them the pains tenfold that they had caused him. As he looked inside him he felt and explosion of a thousand thoughts, all consuming him, helping him to let go of humanities evil grip. He pushed them above, fuelling his anger even more so he could push every inch of his power, every fibre of his being into an entity this galaxy had never seen before. As he rushed forward towards this puny obstacle with red shot eyes and an evil smiled he thought of his only true friend, the one that had always respected him for who he was, never questioning his motives or his way of thinking as if they were the same, as if they were brothers. Yes, they were brothers indeed, not bye looks, but bye though and he would give him his deepest desire. Power.

The mighty sabers danced around in a graceful but aggressive dance, marking the two opponents face with the so distinct blue light, removing there masks and expressing there deepest hate for one another. As the quick series of parries and attacks continued the Chosen one looked in his masters eyes as they began to soften, as the strength of every blow began to weaken. How foolish of him. The eyes suddenly widened, displaying a look of disbelief and terror. As his eyes began to descent towards his belly, blood was starting too poor out of his mouth. Where there one were guts and intestines there only remained a void of nothingness now , as if they were the reflections of the Masters thoughts this very moment. Anakin looked his victim with a smirk, never losing his sights on his opponents eyes as the light inside them slowly began to fade away. Red liquid was starting to fill the floor, slowly making its way toward Anakinís feet, as if they were greeting him, as if the essence of his opponent had turned against it and asked Anakin for forgiveness. He crouched and picked up a sample, tasting it, loving it. The bluish light of the masters saber began to diminish, until it faded away, guiding its master into eternity. Anakin stood up, looking one last time at his master, his friend, his enemy. He felt finally free, free of guilt, free of conscious, free of mortal boundaries. His ascension was finally beginning.

blinxpro
06-13-2005, 08:02 AM
It's not bad. It's just that the majority of "cgtalkers" are just surfing the threads to see cg work, not to read. Which is really to bad for those that don't stop and read because the reading available here on cgtalk is priceless. Don't give up!

sickofpop
06-13-2005, 06:53 PM
Is this supposed to be a script? If so, it needs to be properly formatted, and should not be written like a novel.

The respect he truly deserved was neglected, honours he deserved dismissed, actions judged and never, never would he be praised for the feats he delivered during his battles for the massive Clone wars. These Council members would soon learn the truth of his skills and the powers he had gained. He would destroy them all, wiping there miserable existence and never polluting the minds of children again. Their so called peacekeeping would be but a mere whisper amongst his greatness.


You don't need lines like these in a screenplay. Only write what the viewer will see and hear. If you want to make those ideas known to the viewer, you must either show it visually somehow, or through dialogue. You need to be more descriptive with what is actually happening rather than describing things that teh characters are feeling or thinking about. You could probably do without 75% of what you've written here. Again, if you write a proper screenplay, with enough visual elements to tell your story, you won't need the novel style descriptive stuff to explain things.

Not sure what the point of this is either. It seems to be vaguely describing the Obi wan/Anakin duel in Revenge of the Sith, but refering to Obi Wan as 'the master' seems odd. Did you write this before the movie came out? I would suggest writing something original if you want to write a screenplay.

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06-13-2005, 06:53 PM
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