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flawedprefect
05-03-2005, 07:13 AM
Hi guys. Some of you may know me as a hypercritical sort ready to dish out a bit of honest truth about your work. Well, I decided when I had something to show, I'd put it up. Here is the first segment of a short script I am writing. Please feel free to critique. I apologize for it's length.

SHOOTER:
1ST DRAFT


1. EXT. DESERT – DUSK 1.

FADE UP. SLOW PAN across desert. Stop on DESERT COMPOUND – a small collection of buildings on the horizon. The sky is burnt orange. Clouds mottled pink and yellow stretch out towards us.


2. INT. OUTPOST PRISON: ‘A’ TUNNEL – DUSK 2.

XCU of a large hand punching a key pad.

CUT TO

XCU of keypad. A large finger punches some numbers on it.

INTERCOM:
Identification number.

GUARD 2#:
Zero One One Seven Zero.

CUT TO WIDE SHOT of PRISON HALLWAY. A dor slides open revealing two guards. GUARD 1# is small and twitchy. He wears large goggles, brown army pants, and an old blue armored vest. GUARD 2# is a gorilla, both twice as tall and four times as wide as his companion. He is dressed in a skin-tight green uniform and brown work boots. When they walk, they look like Woody Allen trying to keep up with Ron Perlman.

GUARD 1#:
I wish management would send one of their own to clean up messes like this.

GUARD 2#:
We were the closest unit. Besides, how hard can it be? An exterior monitor goes on the fritz. Probably just needs a good thumping, and we’re back to our rounds.

GUARD 1#:
But… it’s her cell!

GUARD 2# Stops.

GUARD 2#:
Don’t tell me you believe that lie?

GUARD 1#:
It’s no lie.

GUARD 2#:
Have you actually seen her?

GUARD 1#:
N-no… but Blair: she saved him from the last Cat attack. She took on a Cat hand to hand.

GUARD 2#:
Buddy, nobody can survive a direct assault from a Cat. Bullets ricochet off their hides like ration crumbs in a food fight. They’ll tear you limb from limb before you even have a chance to get a good swing in. Believe me, I know.

GUARD 1#:
Private Blair said…

GUARD 2#:
Blair’s an over excited kid with glasses thick as tank shields. He probably survived by hiding in some corner until the Cats finished what they came for.

GUARD 1#:
You calling him a liar?

GUARD 2#:
Yeah. That’s exactly what I’m calling him. Probably made all that up because the Mason inquiry wouldn’t believe he could have survived on a fluke. I don’t believe there is or ever was a Shooter. Face it: we’re on the receiving end of a losing battle. The Cats are gonna wipe out what’s left of humanity. It’s only a matter of time.

The guards continue to walk. They stop in front of a door.

GUARD 2#:
Door Seven Zero Four Six. Broken monitor: needs repairing.

GUARD 2# looks behind the monitor, checks a couple of switches and steps back.

GUARD 2#:
Doesn’t seem to be a problem. Could be internal.

Presses intercom.

GUARD 2#:
Prisoner Seven Zero Four Six. We are coming in. Please move towards the rear of the room. Use the intercom to confirm.

There is nothing but static over the intercom.

GUARD 2#:
Prisoner Seven Zero Four Six: if you do not comply with our request, we shall be forced to use whatever means necessary to subdue you. Please comply.

Static over intercom.

GUARD 2#:
Something’s up. I don’t like it.

GUARD 1#:
What do you suggest?

GUARD 2#:
Ready your weapon.

GUARD 1#:
But that’s the Shooter! We can’t stand a chance against her!

GUARD 2#:
Ready your weapon, Private, and back me up.

GUARD 1# fumbles for his gun. Is nervous but ready. GUARD 2# opens the door.

GUARD 2#:
She’s a lot shorter than I expected.

Cut to Cell interior. It is empty.


3. INT. OBSERVATION DECK – DUSK 3.

PAN ACROSS scene. The OBSERVATION DECK IS cluttered with computer banks covered in old manuals. Screens show different parts of the outpost. Three monitors above the observation windows show various angles of the outside desert. JASON BLAIR is sleeping at one of the workstations. His feet are up on a cluttered bench top, and a manual hides his face. ZOOM IN on a monitor close to BLAIR. A sign is taped to the side. It reads “FIX SPEAKER ASAP”. The monitor begins to flash a warning signal.


4. INT. OUTPOST PRISON: ‘A’ TUNNEL – DUSK 4.

The two GUARDS are arguing outside the prison cell door.

GUARD 1#:
We gotta radio this in.

GUARD 2# grabs radio off GUARD 1#.

GUARD 2#:
Listen here, wise-ass: I survived ‘Post David. I survived by running. I don’t appreciate being mocked with some elaborate setup.

GUARD 1#:
It’s not a setup! There really is a Shooter! She’s been here for three months under lock and key.

GUARD 2# Snatches GUARD 1# up by his lapels and growls menacingly. He then throws him into the cell.

GUARD 2#:
It’s guys like you that really make me…

All the lights go out. Somewhere, backup generators kick in, and the hallway is bathed in a low red light. GUARD 1# Lets out a scream. GUARD 2# peers into the darkened cell. Two feet fly out of the darkness and connect directly with his face.


5. INT. OBSERVATION DECK – DUSK 5.

Alarms are going off. BLAIR is frantically checking all monitors for activity. BLAIR attempts an intercom.

BLAIR:
Prison detail, come in.

The PA crackles.

BLAIR:
Prison detail, this is Blair. Over.

More static. BLAIR walks over to the south desk, but before he gets down under it to check the wire connection, something outside in the desert captures his attention. BLAIR punches keys frantically. An overhead display lights up for a few moments. BLAIR can make out four large shadows moving slowly across the desert. The monitor goes black.

BLAIR:
Cats.

6. EXT. PERIMETER WALL – DUSK 6.

SOLDIERS jog onto the perimeter. A siren wails.


7. INT. OBSERVATION DECK – DUSK 7.

BLAIR watches the southern perimeter. From his perch, he can see a handful of soldiers awaiting their fate. BLAIR is the first to see the large, black shape climb over the perimeter, but as it takes the first of his soldiers, BLAIR can only scream.


8. EXT – DESERT COMPOUND PERIMETER WALL – EVENING 8.

Three CATS have climbed over their defenses. In the failing light, the soldiers fire short, panicked bursts of ammunition at them. Bullets leave nothing but momentary furrows in their sleek, black fur. The first CAT advances on a small soldier, who fires until his gun is spent, then the CAT leaps. The soldier screams. The CAT throws the body of the soldier over the perimeter wall. It then looks up at the observation tower. ZOOM IN on BLAIR staring out helplessly.


9. INT. DESERT COMPOUND OBSERVATION DECK – EVENING 9.

The CAT leaps through the shielded glass. BLAIR ducks for cover. The CAT turns towards BLAIR. It snarls and pads over. BLAIR back pedals under the desk. A security door on the other side of the room opens. A tall, lean shadowy figure cocks a gun. The CAT turns to face her. The CAT leaps towards the door. The figure fires a single shot – it catches the CAT in the mouth. The CAT collapses and does not move. BLAIR reaches out to touch the beast. The SHOOTER grabs him by the wrist and yanks him to his feet.

SHOOTER:
Don’t touch it.

BLAIR:
The Shooter!

SHOOTER:
Come with me.

On their way out the door, SHOOTER hits a button next to the exit door. A small panel lights up with the words BEACON LIT.


10. INT. DESERT COMPOUND BASEMENT – NIGHT 10.

GUARD 2# wakes up.

GUARD 2#:
Goddamn Bitch…

A large shadow stalks across the walls of the prison hallway. GUARD 2# reaches for his sidearm and is shocked to find it missing.

GUARD 2#:
We’re ****ed.




11. INT. DESERT COMPOUND HANGAR – NIGHT 11.

Muffled sound of gunfire and screaming echoes through the HANGAR. Several one-man flying vehicles line one side of the HANGAR. BLAIR and SHOOTER enter from the far end of the HANGAR

BLAIR:
Hey, where are you taking me?

SHOOTER has a helmet in her hands. SHOOTER throws it to BLAIR.

SHOOTER:
You need to send word to fort Mason.

BLAIR:
What? How?

SHOOTER nods to a row of hover bikes.

BLAIR:
I have no clearance for an S-14!

SHOOTER throws him a key.

SHOOTER:
Clearance granted.

SHOOTER nods to her gun

SHOOTER:
I can revoke it just as easily.

BLAIR gets on a flier, fastens his helmet and attempts to start up the bike. He shrugs an apology. There is a wrenching of metal from the hangar door. SHOOTER reaches over and starts the bike for him. The bike lifts, banks into the wall, and wobbles in mid air for a bit.

BLAIR:
What about you?

SHOOTER smirks. She presses a button to open the cliff exit of the hangar. A Cat enters through the hole it has torn in the hangar door. BLAIR flies off as SHOOTER fires off more rounds.



12. EXT. DESERT – NIGHT 12.

BLAIR flies across the desert night. Behind him, flames and explosions rupture the perimeter walls of the COMPOUND.

(c) Paul Orlando Caggegi 2005

Matty2Phatty
05-03-2005, 02:22 PM
Did you decide early on in the script to abandon the camera references? I noticed at the start you were directing the camera a lot, but then you dropped it. Generally i think doing that is probably a bad thing, unless it's only a script for yourself, in which case it really doesn't matter.

But yeah, i actually thought it was alright :) in places the dialogue seemed a bit standard, but that's probably just because the genre is well travelled. Either that or because there's really no need to say anything different ;)

flawedprefect
05-03-2005, 11:44 PM
Hey! Thanks for reading, Matty! And thanks for picking up the camera reference thing. In response to your question: yes, I did forget to carry it through, probably because it is a script I will be producing myself. Still, I am going through the draft thus far and putting them in where necessary.

I was going to reply when there were more than one comment, but I just wanted to address that.

Marc-OlivierBouchard
05-04-2005, 12:20 AM
1-Lots of typos: Woody AllEn, Ron Perlman etc. Watch this. It's a detail but it hurts credibility and profesionalism

2-First shot, you describe the color of the sky and the type of clouds. Unless it's a CG film, no need to precise something you have no control over.



3- Cat: when you read it, a Cat can sound mysterious and dangerous. But hearing actors saying that a "cat" (miaow) can tear you to pieces is more funny than anything scary.
We don't hear the upper case.

4- GUARD 2# reaches for his sidearm and is shocked to find it missing.
Did you mean his arm or his secondary weapon?
English isn't my native language

5-BLAIR punches keys frantically.: I would try to stay away from these highly stereotyped reactions.

On a general note: If I understand well, you are going for an "Alien" type of suspense.
Right now it reads as a efficiently written grab-bag of scenes from Starship trooper, Akira, prison movies and Predator. If that's what you're aiming for you're on the right way.
Characters still need traits that will spike our interest. Try to inhabit them. Really imagine yourself in a prison office: you know you have a dangerous prisonner and that the communications are down. How would you react. How would you react if you had more experience. etc.

That's how I would approach it.
(All this is very subjective of course)

Matty2Phatty
05-04-2005, 03:35 AM
4- GUARD 2# reaches for his sidearm and is shocked to find it missing.
Did you mean his arm or his secondary weapon?
English isn't my native language



You probably just don't know what that is because you're from canada where they don't have guns ;) heh. Nah, i'm just playin :) i saw Bowling for Columbine, i know you guys got guns.

But seriously, a sidearm is the pistol that's kept in the holster at your waist.

flawedprefect
05-04-2005, 07:29 AM
1-Lots of typos: Woody AllEn, Ron Perlman etc. Watch this. It's a detail but it hurts credibility and profesionalism

Yep, thanks for pointing out. First drafts are always riddled with them.

2-First shot, you describe the color of the sky and the type of clouds. Unless it's a CG film, no need to precise something you have no control over.

Yes, it shall be a CG film - actually, am planning this to be an Anime, but am creating sets, characters, props, etc, in 3D, and using a toon shading technique.

3- Cat: when you read it, a Cat can sound mysterious and dangerous. But hearing actors saying that a "cat" (miaow) can tear you to pieces is more funny than anything scary.
We don't hear the upper case.

Good point about "upper case". I did this for the purpose of the reader of the script (at this stage it has been me) to differentiate the creature from the pet. Yes, it can sound mysterious and dangerous; if you find the above phrase funny - so be it. The intent is to add a little mystery and foreshadowing.

4- GUARD 2# reaches for his sidearm and is shocked to find it missing.
Did you mean his arm or his secondary weapon?
English isn't my native language explained eloquently by Matty above. Yes - his weapon.

5-BLAIR punches keys frantically.: I would try to stay away from these highly stereotyped reactions. I'll take that on board.

On a general note: If I understand well, you are going for an "Alien" type of suspense.
Right now it reads as a efficiently written grab-bag of scenes from Starship trooper, Akira, prison movies and Predator. If that's what you're aiming for you're on the right way.
Characters still need traits that will spike our interest. Try to inhabit them. Really imagine yourself in a prison office: you know you have a dangerous prisonner and that the communications are down. How would you react if you had more experience. etc.

All valid points. All the movies you list are of the genre I am aiming for. Why I am aiming for it will become clear in future, but that is my intent. This is the start of a much greater script, but for all intents and purposes, I choose to put this up for critique as a 'stand alone" type piece.

Do the characters portrayed spark your interest? Are you compelled to discover what happens to them from your innitial reading? In my own mind, your comments have clarified my purpose with this particular part of the script: it is supposed to be an action-packed attention grabber to start off a story: one bad situation on top of another (ie: a loose prisoner plus an attack from an insurmountable enemy, plus a communications failure) and the futility of any survival is compounded by the laziness and blaze (blazay) attitudes of the characters.

(PS: I shall be chuckling all night over "grab bag of scenese from..." Well done. :) )

flawedprefect
05-12-2005, 08:24 AM
...Further script...

13. INT. LAB - NIGHT 13.

ALEX PECKER is a thin man dressed in kaki pants, black army skivvi, and a lab coat. He pours over notes. Some visible headings on the screen include: CAT TRANSMUTATION REPORTS FROM OUTPOST DAVID; PRIVATE ANDERSON HELD ON MURDER CHARGE. CLAIMS FELLOW SOLDIER WAS “TURNING INTO A CAT”.

INTERCOM:
Dr Alex Pecker, please report to the Colonel’s office at once.

PECKER:
Rojer that. Out.

PECKER removes his lab coat and exits.


14. INT. COLONEL’S OFFICE – NIGHT 14.

BLAIR is standing at attention. COLONEL ALAN BRADLEY sits behind a large desk, hidden under much paperwork. BRADLEY is a solid man; his hair is styled in a severe crew cut.

BRADLEY:
The charges against you are quite serious, Private.

BLAIR:
Sir, I had no knowledge of the Beacon being set off.

BRADLEY:
A Beacon Lit is our way of knowing that there is no hope for an outpost’s survival. The private on duty must push the Beacon only when all hope is lost. Why, then, are you standing here, very much alive and unscathed?

BLAIR:
I was rescued, sir. By the Shooter. So that I may ask for aid. There are still good men and women who…

BRADLEY:
The outpost is lost, private. Accept it. I will not send men on a suicide mission against an enemy such as the Cats.

BLAIR:
They can be killed, sir. I have seen it.

PECKER enters. Stand to attention.

PECKER:
You wish to see me, Colonel?

BRADLEY:
At ease, Doctor.

PECKER stands at ease. Notices BLAIR.

PECKER:
Private Blair. What news from Ainsworth?

BLAIR:
It’s gone, Doctor.

BRADLEY:
Blair is on trial for several offences: Commandeering an S-14 without license; Abandoning post; and allowing a beacon to be lit which turned out to be a false alarm.

BLAIR:
The alarm is not false, sir. And I didn’t…

BRADLEY:
You allowed it to happen. You were on duty. You are to be put in the brig until the investigation team has carried out their routine check. Dismissed.

Two guards remove BLAIR from the office. BRADLEY stands and paces over to PECKER.

BRADLEY:
We’re losing this war, Alex. The numbers of Cats has increased tenfold in the last month. There were reports of as many as fifty units at the ‘Post David assault.

PECKER:
We can only assume that the rumors are true.

BRADLEY:
I have no use for rumors and the ramblings of madmen, Doctor. I require solid evidence.

PECKER:
It proves difficult to acquire the evidence necessary to convince you, Colonel.

BRADLEY:
You know that is clearly impossible. Agent Black has worked beyond our wildest expectations.

PECKER:
Then what would you have me do, Colonel?

BRADLEY:
I wish to give our men the advantage to fight the Cats on an even playing field. We must reinstate the Agent Black program.

PECKER:
That could make matters worse.

BRADLEY:
I am doing this for the greater good.

PECKER:
Of course, Colonel. What is my assignment?

The COLONEL stands. Cut to:


15. EXT. DESERT – NIGHT 15.

SHOOTER flies across the desert. A Cat pursues her. She fires at it, using the rearview mirror to aim. The first shot glances off its left shoulder. She aims again… and doesn’t miss. SHOOTER spies a form ahead. In the failing light, the form is indistinct. SHOOTER slows to a stop and steps off her S-14 to inspect. It is the body of a soldier. The body begins to move. A hand becomes a claw, and swipes at her. SHOOTER runs back to her hover bike and starts it up. The soldier transforms into a Cat. SHOOTER flies towards it, head on, firing. The Cat swipes her bike out of the sky. SHOOTER careens off into the desert. The Cat pursues her. It comes across the wreckage. It sniffs SHOOTER cautiously. SHOOTER lies there, unconscious. The Cat stalks off back into the desert.


16. EXT. DESERT/OUTPOST AINSTWORTH - MORNING 16.

PECKER and BLAIR skim the desert surface on 2 S-14 hover bikes. BLAIR’S flying is nervous and shaky, but he manages to keep up with PECKER.

PECKER:
See that patch of landing strip around back?

BLAIR nods.

PECKER:
Aim for that runway. I’ll land inside the Eastern perimeter. We rendezvous at the hangar.

The bikes fly off in both directions. The rising sun begins to cast light on the flaming ruins of outpost Ainsworth. The perimeter walls have been bent and broken, some section reduced to piles of twisted metal and rubble.
19. INT. HANGAR - MORNING 19.

BLAIR and PECKER enter the HANGAR. Signs of a struggle are everywhere. There are smears of blood around the spot where BLAIR saw SHOOTER last.

BLAIR:
She... saved my life...

PECKER follows the trails to a spot behind a large vehicle. His face changes from a frown of concentration to a look of surprise.

PECKER:
The blood's not hers.

BLAIR follows him around and sees the large body of a dead Cat lying on its side.

BLAIR:
And look: another S-14 is missing! She's alive!

PECKER:
Yes, but how do we find her?

The two pause for a moment. BLAIR looks over to the west side of the HANGAR. His face lights up. BLAIR runs over to a large computer bank. He hits some buttons, but there is no response from the console.

BLAIR:
If we could get power to this navicom, we could track the last recorded co-ordinates of the last S-14's to leave here.

ALEX walks over to the large vehicle. He climbs up into the cockpit and turns it on.

PECKER:
Blair.

BLAIR looks up. PECKER throws him a couple of cables. BLAIR finds the power outlets and powers up the console. The screen comes to life and shows a 3d map of the surrounding desert. BLAIR enters a search for S-14s taken in the past 24 hours and finds two - his shows up at the outpost, the other takes a few seconds before the locator shows up. PECKER steps down from the vehicle and comes to see what BLAIR has found.

PECKER:
What does the scan say?

BLAIR:
It’ll take some time to get a signal back. Most of the relay stations have been destroyed by the Cats.

A tearing noise comes from the far end of the hangar. ALEX and BLAIR look up and see a massive black claw tear through the metal wall.

PECKER:
Any idea how long?

The screen shows the path of relay stations still operational. The scan keeps going further into the desert.

BLAIR:
I've only got a general direction.

The hole in the wall widens. The Cat begins to squeeze through.

PECKER:
Where does it look like she was headed?

BLAIR:
West.

PECKER:
But there is nothing but open desert, West!

BLAIR:
That’s where the bike landed, sir.

ALEX pushes BLAIR away from the console.

PECKER:
Back to the fort. We’ll report what we have. Colonel Bradley will send more men to find her.

BLAIR:
But sir…

PECKER:
That’s an order, private.

BLAIR hesitates, then does as he is told.

The Cat has ripped through the wall and is climbing through. It heads directly for the console. ALEX looks at the screen one last time and see the tracer turn North West. He sees a single marker that gives him hope. He runs.


20. EXT. OUTPOST AINSTWORTH - MORNING 20.

PECKER nears the bike when the Cat gains on him.

BLAIR:
Hey! Over here!

The Cat turns towards BLAIR, who waves his hands wildly. ALEX now has time to get on his hover bike. He kicks it into life. ALEX flies between the Cat and BLAIR, distracting the Cat momentarily.

PECKER:
Run, private! That's an order!

BLAIR searches for his S-14, but it is on the other side of the Cat. Fortunately, the Cat chases ALEX for a moment, and BLAIR almost reaches his S-14, when the Cat turns back to him. BLAIR is on his bike, but the motor is not starting. The Cat begins to pad slowly towards him.... then pounces.

ZOOM UP on BLAIR open mouthed and screaming. CUT TO BLACK.

(c) copyright Paul Orlando Caggegi 2005

albertbarrera
05-24-2005, 05:25 AM
While I agree with the others on what they've said, I think it really isn't all that crucial since you're doing this yourself and, therefore, can get away with certain things. So in reading the script, I ignored the typos and other small details (it's a first draft anyway) and just concentrated on imagining the story in my head. I saw the CATS. I saw the attacks. I saw the hover bikes and I felt it was all very good. I'm sure this'll be a very cool looking Anime if done right and I'm sure you'll pull it off.

Sort of makes me wanna become a CG artist so I can make my own stuff come to life. Must be nice! Good luck!

regards,

Albert

"To be, or not to be. That is the ****ing question." -- albert barrera, 2005.

malcolmvexxed
05-24-2005, 08:47 AM
While I agree with the others on what they've said, I think it really isn't all that crucial since you're doing this yourself and, therefore, can get away with certain things. So in reading the script, I ignored the typos and other small details (it's a first draft anyway) and just concentrated on imagining the story in my head. I saw the CATS. I saw the attacks. I saw the hover bikes and I felt it was all very good. I'm sure this'll be a very cool looking Anime if done right and I'm sure you'll pull it off.

Sort of makes me wanna become a CG artist so I can make my own stuff come to life. Must be nice! Good luck!

regards,

Albert

"To be, or not to be. That is the ****ing question." -- albert barrera, 2005.

this pretty much mirrors my feelings about the script. i just don't think typos are an issue if you're doing the work yourself altho it should probably be spell checked before it's posted. i like the ideas of the movie and if it's directed and lit in a way to be suspenseful I think it could work. Plus i'm admittedly a sucker for certain setups and this prison outpost is one of them lol.

flawedprefect
05-27-2005, 04:13 AM
Aaaaaaaw, shux, guys! Thanks for the compliments! I haven't progressed much further, so I tidied up the script thus far for you guys to see the improvements. I've also added a couple of extra scenes, you'll see. I have attached the revised script to this message. (Hope this works!)

shooter first draft (http://www.cgtalk.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=71828&stc=1)

albertbarrera
05-27-2005, 06:56 PM
works for me so far...good job! http://www.cgtalk.com/images/icons/icon10.gif


albert

CaptainJackSparrow
05-31-2005, 03:18 PM
Okay, my crits below, gotta be cruel to be kind I'm afraid:

To be honest, I think you gotta rewrite this thing. Lots of newb mistakes but that's okay, scriptwriting is very, very hard, and you got promise.

At the moment though, the dialogue is pure exposition.

You open with 2 guys literally spilling info to the audience. You should hide exposition if you can, and you certainly can here if you think creative.

Show it, don't tell it.

The descriptions are overwritten. You don't need 4 lines to describe two guards, four words would suffice. Unless it's chroncially important to your plot what they are wearing there is no need at all to mention it.

Scriptwritng is like poetry, choose every word carefully, you are painting pictures in people's heads with as few words as possible, or at least that's the idea, so choose em carefully.

And finally, it's just not grabbing me, maybe it's because there is nothing unique in the setup, but I think you really gotta be super creative straight off the bat if you want to get people's interest. You know, what's the edge here?

Anyway, hope that doesn't sound harsh, but scriptwriting is pretty tough and it really doesn't pay to sugarcoat things cos it just hinders growth from what I've seen.

flawedprefect
06-01-2005, 01:06 AM
You open with 2 guys literally spilling info to the audience. You should hide exposition if you can, and you certainly can here if you think creative.

Thanks for pointing this out. I will take this on board at revision time. The scene is meant to be two guards bantering about the current affairs, so we can gain an understanding about the world we're about to live in for a while.

Show it, don't tell it.

I knew this would come and bite me in the butt one day! I dispense this advice often, so thanks for catching me out! hahaha!

The descriptions are overwritten.
I thought I was being really sparse!

You don't need 4 lines to describe two guards, four words would suffice. Unless it's chroncially important to your plot what they are wearing there is no need at all to mention it.

Yeah, what they're wearing is important. I should really describe what Blair, Shooter and Pecker wear, too. It is going to be an animation, and description is vital to visualise the character at design stage. Plus (see next attached file) it becomes important further on.

Scriptwritng is like poetry, choose every word carefully, you are painting pictures in people's heads with as few words as possible, or at least that's the idea, so choose em carefully.

I totally agree: but the first draft is a chance to get out everything in your head in some sort of order. A lesson I learnt early on (I apologise if this is like a noob script!) is when you write: don't edit; when you edit: don't write.

And finally, it's just not grabbing me, maybe it's because there is nothing unique in the setup, but I think you really gotta be super creative straight off the bat if you want to get people's interest. You know, what's the edge here?

Fair enough, but I think that comes down to taste. Someone else here liked it cos he likes that sort of story.

Anyway, hope that doesn't sound harsh, but scriptwriting is pretty tough and it really doesn't pay to sugarcoat things cos it just hinders growth from what I've seen.

Not at all. Please post again, if you feel like it. I look forward to discussion. :thumbsup:

shooter first draft part 2 (http://www.cgtalk.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=72125&stc=1)

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