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orangelineage
02-27-2005, 04:06 PM
Here is the storyline of the first chapter of my new short movie
"Sincerely Sensational Sentience"

Comments are really appreciated

Enjoy

Sincerely Sensational Sentience by Emre Cagatay Eren



CHAPTER 1 (The Doctor)



The doctor in his well kept yet obviously aging patched up attire walked down the spotless dry surface of the asylum’s hallway. He would always make sure to keep his hospital clean and dry even though it had been 12 years since any inspectors arrived. They had stopped arriving because all of the 8 mischievous members of the regulatory committee had perished along with the most of the rest of the world in a fire caused by the apocalypse which was a result of the fifth “freedom” war.

As he lightly treaded in the hallway where they kept some of the more persistent madmen madwomen and indeed madpersons, he glimpsed at the cages of those unwilling to accept life as it is, with pity, and an almost revered sense of disgust. Some would jump around, some would yell all day long or until they lost their voice, some would masturbate, some would smile, some would pull their hair. How like apes he thought. How indeed. He called the elevator but after remembering it hadn’t worked in quite a while, decided to take the stairs warmly greeting the staff members he met on his way down.

The building itself was constructed to be a hotel at first but later converted to an asylum after the hotel owner had gone bankrupt and the government had taken over his assets. Even though the building consisted of 2 wings and 5 floors most of the left wing was not used because it was damaged during the war. It was hard enough heating one wing anyway the doctor thought. He exited the hospital and was immediately greeted by two great and tiresome foes; the everlasting winter, and that damned mechanic!”

“I don’t really know how long it will last out there doc” grunted the old greasy dirty mechanic. He continued with a witty grin on his face “Here are the documents that she needs to sign.” He handed him an old overfilled brown folder held together by elastic rope with a sticker on the side saying “HER” which the doctor relieved the mechanic of with discernable distaste. After which the mechanic raised his hand towards the doctor as if he were expecting compensation for having filled his car with some gas and started trying to make some small talk like;

“It’s really cold out today, worse than yester-“

“Yes you should be going back inside I don’t want you get a cold again.”

Resigning, the mechanic continued “All right doctor drive safely and the chains are in the back of the car if you need them” as he hurried back inside.

The car was a very old cyan bmw isetta 250 covered in snow and frozen dirt and parts of it had chipped off due to corrosion.

The doctor started rambling on “IF I need them! Of course I’ll need them. What does he need money for anyway? Ungrateful ….”cursing to himself and putting the chains on, as he unwittingly fought the unwilling frozen car door for a while finally lifting it open and trying very hard to fit in. Realizing he left the documents out on the sidewalk he got out of the car again to get them. He then placed them behind him in the car and closed the door again as annoyed as possible and he was off on his journey towards the Crimson Dam, the mechanic yelling behind him “I could not fix the heater!” but giving up after feeling his empty pockets.

As he journeyed through the remnants of the early 21st century Istanbul, the weather started to take a course for the worse. After a few too many close calls, battling with an old map of the city”, a lot of muttering of where am I and how do I get there again? “, and almost freezing to death his car ran out of fuel though luckily right when he reached the crimson dam. He gave the car a good kick in the back only to discover it hurt his leg more than it hurt the back of the car.

The color of the dam itself had faded to a mix of dark red and brown rust almost entirely covered by the wet sticky snow that had started pouring out of the sky 15 or so minutes ago.

He approached the gargantuan structure with cautious optimism. He did not have time to wonder where to knock for suddenly parts of the dam’s defenses became alive with ear screeching noises in a carnival of light.

A turret detected the old bmw and with one precisely fired missile the old junk went up in flames though not much of this could be seen due to the ever increasing snowfall.

Another turret turned its carnivorous eyes on the now bipedal doctor as a commanding voice echoed over the white lifeless plains.

Alas the language the voice used was unknown to the good doctor yet he tried his best to comprehend what was going on. In the bravest tone he could muster out of his freezing body he uttered “I am here to see HER…. SHE needs to sign these documents.”

The voice continued in an unknown yet obviously angry language and than suddenly stopped and a little while later the voice rose again this time a little more calm and centered “ Is SHE expecting you? “

“Yes I have an appointment”

“….”

“…At 2:30”

“Sorry about the car.”

“That’s all right if you hadn’t done it I would have”

The entrance opened up slightly to let the good doctor through. He could not help but notice some snow covered corpses at the foot of the dam as the doors closed shut behind him.

fwtep
02-27-2005, 07:59 PM
I don't know how filmic this all is. Take a look:

What you wrote:
The doctor in his well kept yet obviously aging patched up attire walked down the spotless dry surface of the asylum’s hallway. He would always make sure to keep his hospital clean and dry even though it had been 12 years since any inspectors arrived. They had stopped arriving because all of the 8 mischievous members of the regulatory committee had perished along with the most of the rest of the world in a fire caused by the apocalypse which was a result of the fifth “freedom” war.What we'll see: A guy walks down a clean hallway.

Unless you have narration, we will have no idea that there have been any wars, any inspectors, or even that it's in the future (though the design might take care of the latter).

What you wrote:
As he lightly treaded in the hallway where they kept some of the more persistent madmen madwomen and indeed madpersons, he glimpsed at the cages of those unwilling to accept life as it is, with pity, and an almost revered sense of disgust. Some would jump around, some would yell all day long or until they lost their voice, some would masturbate, some would smile, some would pull their hair. How like apes he thought. How indeed. He called the elevator but after remembering it hadn’t worked in quite a while, decided to take the stairs warmly greeting the staff members he met on his way down.

What we'll see: A guy walks down the hallway and occasionally looks into a room and sees crazy people. He looks sad.

What you wrote:
The building itself was constructed to be a hotel at first but later converted to an asylum after the hotel owner had gone bankrupt and the government had taken over his assets. Even though the building consisted of 2 wings and 5 floors most of the left wing was not used because it was damaged during the war. It was hard enough heating one wing anyway the doctor thought. He exited the hospital and was immediately greeted by two great and tiresome foes; the everlasting winter, and that damned mechanic!”What we'll see: A guy walks out of the building and a guy approaches him.

Perhaps we'll be able to tell by how the guy is dressed that he's a mechanic, but I doubt it, since it's the future after several wars, so he probably wouldn't have anything recognizable on. Besides, it's winter, so he'd be wearing a heavy coat over his mechanic's outfit. Maybe he's holding a wrench. Still, I'm not sure that if I saw a guy in a heavy coat carrying a wrench my first thought would be "hey look, a mechanic!" I've had wrenches in my hand from time to time but I'm not a mechanic.
with a witty grin on his faceHow is that different from any other grin?

The car was a very old cyan bmw isetta 250 covered in snow and frozen dirt and parts of it had chipped off due to corrosion. It's far enough in the future that there have been 5 wars (at least) and it's a permanent nuclear winter, yet the only car around is one from our time? Just my opinion (as is all of this), but I think that's a bit too convenient/cheap/cliche. It reminds me of Will Smith's sneakers in I, Robot (as well as virtually every other show that takes place in the future). Plus, a futuristic yet beat-up old car would help establish that it's the future.

He then placed them behind him in the car Do you mean behind his seat?

and he was off on his journey towards the Crimson Dam,How will we know that? Actually, we don't need to know that right now. All we need to know/see is that he drives away.

As he journeyed through the remnants of the early 21st century Istanbul,Again, how will we know where he is? Will there be a sign, or a subtitle? Or will we see it on the map? (I like the latter.)

Another turret turned its carnivorous eyes on the now bipedal doctor as a commanding voice echoed over the white lifeless plains. What was the doctor before? A quadraped? Did I miss that somewhere?

The rest of the scene is nice, though if the doctor had an appointment, wouldn't the guard have been notified?

On the whole, it sounds like an interesting project. I know that since you're making this yourself you've probably already thought about some of the things I mentioned. But just remember, when you show the script (or in this case the prose) to people they won't know. So I'd rather point out things and let you tell me "I already thought of that and I know how I'm going to handle it," rather than not say anything and risk missing a chance to help. More than that, writing correctly is important if you ever *do* want to submit a script to an agent or studio.

Are you doing this project entirely by yourself? It seems extremely ambitious!

Cheers,
Fred

lricho
02-28-2005, 06:36 AM
I was gonna mention something similar. It looks like you've started a novel rather than a screenplay.

Your style of writing didnt really grab me from the outset either. Your descriptive writing felt forced rather than something that naturally comes out with the events of whats happening.

Here's what i mean... "The doctor in his well kept yet obviously aging patched up attire walked down the spotless dry surface of the asylum’s hallway."

if you're writing a novel, how about:
"Stark, white walls of the corridor greeted him once again. The doctor sighed, and straightened his collar before starting on his rounds. As his hands slid off the cloth of his shirt, he became aware that the fabric wasnt quite what it used to be.
'I dont know how many times i can keep mending my clothes,' he sighed to himself. He looked down the length of the hall. 'Well,' he observed, 'At least the hospital is in good nick.'

He had his staff to thank for that, although they'd probably say differently."


You've also got a fair bit of exposition which could possibly be revealed in less obvious/more exciting ways too. Its always more fun to have the slow, fulfilling reveal rather than the flat out "here's what happened".

What you've currently got is actually really good for you to have written down, for you to understand the context of everything. Possibly a bit dry for a captivating read though.

orangelineage
02-28-2005, 04:27 PM
Thank you fwtep and Iricho for taking the time to go over my story.

I wrote this at six in the morning while I was waiting for a project to render. It is an idea that has been in my head for quite a few daydreams. I am really enthusiastic about trying to make this into a movie and am very open to suggestions.

I will try and come up with a solid script version by tomorrow in the meantime I want to address my humble opinions on some of the ideas you have been bringing up.

This definitialy was written in the intent that it would become a movie that's why I now realize that there are certain "forced" feelings accomodated with the writing which I hope will not trancend into the movie. Unnecessary high amount of detail and lots of adjectives :) . I just wanted get a few ideas down without having to sketch them.

Once I have the script I will need your help answering questions like "should there be a nerarator or is that the cheapest way of telling a story?"

Regarding the cliche bmw; I suppose you are right it never occured to me as it probably never occured to people who write sci-fi movies :). I just thought the car would be cute because it has a single door which opens from the front of the car and is extremely small. Here are some pictures.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v490/orangelineage/DSC01489.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v490/orangelineage/isettainbig.jpg

Which probably was slightly lazy of me. I now realize that of course a new car should be designed that looks futuristic and made to look old. I still think that it should be a very small and you know old russian type of car. There is something about old russian cars and really cold weather that go together really well :).

The placing and timing of the expositions would be different in the script I suppose. For some reason I could not help but think about how the Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy dealed with expositions in a humorous and very much in your face manner.

I also wanted to have it in writing because when Stanley Kubrick was making 2001 he had Arthur C. Clarke write the book first onto which he extrapolated the script. Which is why I think the movie has a feel of "there is more to the story then I am showing you" because even though the ideas were there they never made it to the screen but stirred the script in a manner that gave it more depth and believability. Developing a good back story may actually be essantial.

Please keep your comment coming I really appreciate them.

Regards,

Emre C. Eren
P.S. sorry for the spelling mistakes I am Turkish. :)

Corbae
02-28-2005, 11:08 PM
Wish I'd had the chance to get here before almost everything had already been said. I could repeat it all in my own voice; but instead I'll just say "I agree with what has already been brought up."

I think your ideas about writing the story out first and then the script is a good one. One suggestion I would make about your adjectives is to chose them with care and make sure they are very specific. Not only will this help your writing be more engaging; but it will also make the visual direction of your script and production work easier. It's tough to do; but be as specific as possible in as few words as possible.

As for the story, I like it. I think it already has a good start for suspens and mystery- Raise the stakes and refine it!:)
Last of all... Since you're now thinking about designs for the car, and a way to create a sense of nastalgia and connection for the audience juxtaposed to something new and modern, have you thought about what kind of power this future runs on? Have the oil supplies been globaly depleted? And if so, how has that affected industrial design? More importantly, what kind of tools would a mechanic in this future use to repair things? Some tools I am sure would be similar to ones we use now; but some might be drastically different. This is all just food for thought. Hope it helps. I am looking forward to seeing how you flesh outt the rest of the idea and finalize.

You're off to a good start.

orangelineage
03-05-2005, 02:24 PM
Hello Everyone!
Here are the first two scenes from the script of Sincerely Sensational Sentience Chp 1.
Please Critisize rutlessly
:)
Enjoy!;
SCENE 01



INT: (Doctor’s Office). Warm Colors. Very decorated high ceiling. Velvet Curtains. Walls filled with books, not only in the shelves but also on the floor and next to the fireplace. Books on the shelves include; (Laurusse Gastronomique, Books by Asimov, Books by Nietzsche and Steven Pinker, and Medical Books, Volumes of Hospital Regulations, Management books). Small distinguished ornaments like painted plates, plaques, decorated eggs A small alcoholic beverage cart. An aging stereo. A classic leather psychiatrist’s couch. Some Cabinets and a desk. Diplomas and awards and a bulletin board of news along with portraits litter the walls. A makeshift hospital bed close to the fireplace. A wall clock. An internal phone line with buttons. A broken plasma screen. Wooden mv3 (they look like four mini DVDs attached together with a plastic device on the side) tower. A very thin laptop. A shotgun. Hand powered chargers (a smaller version of the wind up chargers they have that can light lamps or run a radio or charge a cell phone or a laptop). Overall the room looks very classical with dark British green and mahogany everywhere very high class, very excessive, yet awkward and aging and lonely.



We see a dark silhouette of a man walking towards the curtains in the room. He pushes them to the sides by pulling on a rope and then suddenly the room is filled with light emanating from the outside. He goes towards the stereo charges it up with the wind up charger (a light goes from red to green indicating the charge is complete). He goes towards his mv3 tower and picks out a dusty mv3. Blows on it to clear some of the dust off. Places it gently on the stereo. He guides two arms carrying lasers onto the disk. The lasers change color as they go through each of the mini dvd like thingies. The sound comes on but not the song he wants. He skips a few tracks and an old music starts to play sung by a woman or a cello accompanied by a piano. He puts on his clothes as the camera glides over some of the items in the room. He takes a cigarette from one of the drawers. Lights it, takes one satisfying sip and then dips the cigarette in a glass of water. He then picks up the cigarette and gently hangs it on a line to dry. There are other half smoked cigarettes on the line too. Looks at the time in his pocket watch. Downloads some music into his right hand. Takes a sip of whisky with ice from the outside the window. Turns off the stereo. Goes outside. We hear the door being locked.



SCENE 02



INT: (Inside Sanitarium/Hallway/Stairs/Foyer)



The doctor puts his keys into his pocket, looks at his watch and at the exact moment his pocket watch shows 9:00 we hear a generator at the background and all the fluorescent lights turn on in the hallway.

Doctor:

-Someone’s up on time. For a change.



Looks around and sees a wet and dirty corner by a cell, mumbles to himself and heads down the hallway. On his way down he sees Mr. Norton the head of the custodial staff cleaning the floors.

Doctor:

-Good Morning Mr. Norton.

Mr.Norton:

-Hello Doctor. I have been meaning to—

Doctor:

-Yes, would you mind switching on the disrupters please? I would like to see how our patients are doing this morning.

Mr.Norton;

-Why Bother?... I mean right away doctor.

Mr. Norton switches on a panel and all of the metallic doors of the cells become semi transparent and the fluorescent lights start to flicker slightly and then stop flickering. As the doctor starts to examine the patients one by one he continues:

Doctor:

-Mr. Norton you seem to have missed a spot back there. You know I want the hospital in top shape when the inspectors arrive. You know how they ramble on about safety and how the floors should be clean and dry in case someone slips on the marble floor.

Mr.Norton:

-But Doctor, there has not been a single inspection in 12 years! Not since the war.

Doctor:

-I know, the fifth “Freedom” War. I was around you know. I did notice. And I also know that all the 8 senior members of the inspection committee perished along with the rest of the most of the civilized world in a fire caused by the apocalypse, but do we really have to go over this again?

Mr.Norton

-This is insane Doctor! We should not be cleaning the floors of an asylum, we should be looking for food and supplies and survivors and trying to rebuild all that we have lost.

Doctor:

-We do do all of that but in mo-de-ra-tion! If we follow our passions and act quickly and foolishly we will die out like the rest! Don’t you understand that Mr. Norton! We shall wait patiently as our society puts itself together, forms a democratic government and than the bureaucracy to support it. Then they will create a board of health and the inspectors will surely return. We shall have the best hospital around. Don’t worry. The day will come when we can pay taxes again!

Mr.Norton:

-You should be in one of these cells.

Doctor:

-Come on now Mr.Norton, back to work. I want that corner clean and dry by the time I get back.

Having left Mr. Norton in pure shock he headed down the hallway towards the elevators turned his head back towards Mr. Norton and said:



Doctor: (The Audience does not see the doctor;s face until this line)

-After all, how can we bring civilization back on it’s feet if we can’t remain civilized.



Regards,
Emre C. Eren

P.S. I really enjoy all your comments please write anything that comes up. Thanks.

Corbae,
Specific details and power source got it. Will think about it. You are right definitialy should not be gas. Perhaps hydrogen from water. Or some sort of small nuclear reactor.

fwtep
03-06-2005, 12:08 AM
This is a lot to go through, but here are some comments about the screenplay version of your story. I'll try not to go into the formatting, such as the slug lines (for example the first slug line of scene 2, which should only be one location).

1) The opening paragraph is WAY too long. All we need is a sentence or two (at most!) describing the location. You started out great: It's a doctor's office and it's decorated in warm colors. There are two things we need to know: a) a basic idea of where we are, and b) any important information (such as a ninja sword hanging on the wall, which will be used later). We all have a pretty good idea what a doctor's office looks like, so unless there's important information regarding the room, keep it short. (You can elaborate to the designers later.)

2) You don't need quite all of those "we see" bits. For example, in the second paragraph, it's fine to just say: A man walks toward the curtained window, silhouetted by the bright light that shines through the flimsy fabric. He pulls the drawstring and the curtains open, flooding the room in bright light.

3) And again, the second paragraph is too long. A lot of that can be broken out into separate short paragraphs. People don't like reading long blocks of text. Also, I don't think you need so much detail. If the guy turns on the stereo, that's all we need to know-- we don't need to know which button he presses unless there's something important about that. What we could maybe use more of in this is what's the doctor's mood? All we have is "he does this, he does that," with very little of what he's like or what is mood is. Does he have a pep in his step? Does he look longingly at an old picture on the wall? Happy? Depressed?

3) Split the scene 2 sentence into two sentences. (...looks at his watch. At the exact moment that it clicks to 9:00, we hear the sound of a generator starting up, and the flourescent lights in the hallway turn on.) Also, make the doctor talking to himself in his first line: (to himself)

4) Beware of things that the audience can't know. For example, how will the audience know that Mr. Norton is the head of the custodial staff? And if it doesn't actually matter to the story whether he's the head of the staff or just a regular employee, then it doesn't matter to the script either.

5) It might be better to use more colloquial speech. For example, I would have the doctor say, "I'd like you..." instead of "I would like you..." but that's just how I see it, maybe you see him differently than I do.

6) Since Mr. Norton says, "why bother?" I think his next line should be more begrudging and resigned, like, "OK, fine, whatever you say."

7) I think the exposition could be handled much more smoothly. The way it is now, you may as well have the character turn to the camera and say, "Hi folks, here's some back story you need to know..." Here's some suggestions:

DOCTOR
Mr. Norton, you seem to have missed a spot back there. We can't have the inspectors see that, now can we?

MR. NORTON
Well seeing as how they've been dead since the war, I don't think it matters much.

The Doctor shakes his head, disappointed.

DOCTOR
Do we have to go through this every single time?

MR. NORTON
I'm just sayin', that's all. We should be out lookin' for food, or trying to rebuild... 'stead of slavin' away at a godforsaken asylum.

DOCTOR
One step at a time, Mr. Norton. Patience. Society will rebuild and we have to be ready.

MR. NORTON
Yeah, we'll be ready just in time for the SIXTH Freedom war.

The Doctor laughs.

DOCTOR
Ha! Ever the optimist, eh, Mr. Norton? Now come on, I want to see that corner clean and dry by the time I get back.


Not that the above is great-- that's a lot of exposition to get out-- but hopefully it's less blatant. But do you really need to get that all out at once? Can't the back story be spread out a little?

8) Do we really not see the Doctor's face until the end? If so, why? And if so, that needs to be mentioned at the beginning. Unless there's some reason for it, it probably shouldn't be in the script. It sounds like it's more of a directoral choice. If you do keep it, especially in the movie itself, the reveal of his face needs to be on a powerful moment for the character, not just a little offhand remark.

Well, that's enough rambling for me for now.

Cheers,
Fred

Corbae
03-09-2005, 08:53 AM
Well here goes...

First off, I agree with Fwtep on almost everything. Again, my comments come to late.http://cgtalk.com/images/smilies/shrug.gif I say almost because I'm not sure having the doctor being more colloquial and natural would be consistent with his character. Language is a huge dividing line in most societies; it sets up power structers through appropriate word choice. Seeing as how there are only two characters right now, one a professional and the other a janitor, I would recomend a greater difference in thier speech paterns. This will help to set up a stronger sense of character for both. The doctor would have a more proper way of speaking, using words like "could not, should not, am not," instead of "can't, shouldn't, aren't." Characters that oppose eachother in look, demeaner, attaire, and even language can help to define eachother by setting up a contrast. This is all advice geared toward the idea that the two characters come from different backgrounds and that a difference in the power structure between them exists. If they are equals then bringing the doctor down to the level of the janitor or reverse would be more useful.

So far dialouge-wise you're on the right path. One trick for writing dialouge is to make sure there is conflict in every line (which you have done). Varying the level of intensity of the conflict in the lines could use some attention. The conflict will keep the story going while the lowering or hightening of the intensity of that conflict will keep the audience interested. Ooooo, and before I get blasted for these last few statements, let me clarify. The meter of a script should have constant escalation and de-escalation of conflict; but lulls in conflict should not equate to the absolute non-existance of it. Without conflict there would be no action. That said, Fwtep's point 6 is a strong idea. By creating even more conflict through his suggestion you'll be escalating the conflict beyond what the current scene's meter is. Right now scene two has little meter change and that will help.

I also have to agree with Fwtep on the whole exposition demi-monolouge. If inserting conflict into every line and varying it's intensity is the first trick of dialouge, passively introuducing background info is the second. I would have attacked that exchange much the same way Fwtep did.

BTW, have you ever scene a directing script? It's a two column script with the original writing on the left and the right filled with shot lists, and scene notes. Dividng your script into this format might help you keep the detail you want; but organize it in a more streamlined fasion.

Guess that's it from this little peanut for now.

lricho
03-13-2005, 12:46 AM
This script is much more enjoyable to read than your first posted script. Same story, much more interesting.
That being said, I did have some comments, but they are pretty much what fwtep had to say. First paragraph is too long. Second paragraph can be split up into multiple shorter paragraphs to make reading easier. e.g:


...He puts on his clothes. (there was originally a camera direction here. Unless you are directing the film, consider removing the direction and allow the director to make his own decisions).

Searching through one of the drawers, he finds a cigarette. He lights it, draws one satisfying lungful and then douses the cigarette in a glass of water. Retrieving the cigarette, he gently hangs it on a line to dry with a number of other half smoked cigarettes.

Looks at the time in his pocket watch, then downloads some music into his right hand.

Takes a sip of whisky with ice from the outside the window.

Flips off the stereo and walks outside.

The door is locked.


Having shorter paragraphs, even at one short sentence each like above, allows the reader to very quickly scan the text down the page without much effort, whilst still actually reading the thing properly.

The last thing i noticed too was the unnatural expostion from the doctor. Both characters lived through all that stuff, they both know it. Why should the doctor say all that? Exposition can be better disguised, kinda like fwtep's addition of the janitor joking about a 6th freedom war. It makes the audience then wonder about the previous 5 wars, making the payoff about when they do find out a bit about them later much more fulfilling... Although if you try and always handle expostion the same way, people will see through that just as quickly.

Corbae brings up a good point about language, although I hadnt actually thought about any of that.

Some good writing. Looking forward to reading some more from this script. :)

orangelineage
03-16-2005, 08:28 PM
Thank you all for your invaluable comments.

I am writing the whole script now. I am done with the outline of how I want it to go. Soon I will post it all. I have also started storyboarding and designing certain fix elements like the car the doctor will drive. The conversations are shorter now with hopefully consistent characters. And the revelations about the war and what happened have been brought down to bare minimums keeping the audience guessing.


Here is a sample of the doctor meeting a nurse on his way down to his car;

SCENE 3

INT:(Inside Sanitarium Stairway)


Doctor calls elevator but remembering that it does not work starts to walk down the stairs. On his way down meets Nurse McGrath.



Doctor:

- (warmly) Good Morning Mrs. McGrath. How do you do?

Nurse McGrath:

- Oh I was just coming up to see you doctor. I gave the documents you wanted to Rob. I think he is outside getting your car ready. I filled out everything for HER. SHE just needs to sign them.

Doctor:

-Do the documents require Department of Health authorization?

Nurse McGrath:

-And the seal of approval from the Board sir.

Doctor:

-Very well I will pay them a visit on my way to Her…Robert did you say? Watch out for that one while I am gone. Remember, just because he is the only mechanic in the vicinity does not entitle him to more than his share of our hard earned rations.

Nurse McGrath:

-Yes doctor, of course doctor.

(They start departing)

Doctor;

-And make sure the patients receive their medications on time. Especially the placebo pills.

Doctor:

-Oh and you are, Madame McGrath, as usual, the highlight of my morning.

Nurse McGrath:

-Thank you doctor.


I am also unfamiliar with standard scriptwriting formats and this directors script format. Does anyone know where I can sample these from?

Again thanks

Kindest regards,

Emre C. Eren

Corbae
03-17-2005, 01:05 AM
Orange,

Still looking good. Just a few notes:

1) "Remember, just because he is the only mechanic in the vicinity does not entitle him to more than his share of our hard earned rations. "
---I'd try to stay away from cliches like, "hard earned."

2) "Oh and you are, Madame McGrath, as usual, the highlight of my morning."
---The line reads a little raw. Is this just an indifferent after thought or does he mean what he is saying. If he means it, maybe "Oh... Madame McGrath, as always, you are the highlight of my mornings." May work better. This way the stress is on the subject (Madame McGrath), and draws direct attention to her.
As for fromat style, I have to apologize... The director's script format I mentioned, I heard about from a Director/Writer I used to work with. IThere are many sights on the web that can give you a better idea about format if you run a search. I thionk it may have been brought up in one of these forums; but can't recall- sorry.

fwtep
03-17-2005, 05:30 PM
I agree with Corbae's response. But beyond that, I wonder if this scene is even necessary. There's no real way for me to know without having the rest of the script, but it feels unnecessary. In the previous scene it was made clear that the Doctor was leaving the building for important business, but here it feels like he's dawdling. I don't really see any purpose or conflict in the scene, nor do I see any important info or story points.

In other words, you don't have to be so literal; if someone is leaving, you can cut to them getting into their car, or arriving at the next place, etc.

Fred

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