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mttjss
12-21-2004, 04:53 PM
This was just a short story I did for school last quarter. We werent supposed to add the camera movements between shots.

Its kinda got a "Finding Nemo" style to it as well..

just interested in any critiques.

by the way..its about 12-14 pages long (not bad)

"CHAMP"
FADE IN:

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY
The Stadium is packed for the home team "BUSCHFIELD
BARRACUDAS" game. It seems as if every fish in the sea is
here. CHAMP watches the Barracuda Marching Band take the
field, as he anxiously waits to play. He is a young Salmon
trying to play on a Barracuda only team.
Champ's uniform fits snugly over his orange scaly body.
LEONARD, the team captain walks up behind Champ. Leonard is
followed by his other teammates who only hang with him to
feel accepted. The Barracudas are twice the size of Champ
and they hover over him enormously.
Champ whispers to himself.
CHAMP
I can do this. I can make the team.
This has been what I always wanted
to do.
Leonard taps Champ on the shoulder.
LEONARD
Hey little man. Are you ready to
try this?
Champ is startled by Leonard, then pumps his chest to look
bigger.
CHAMP
Of course I am! I was born to play
football!
Leonard and his gang turn and walk away. Champ can hear
their snickering and laughing as the turn the corner of the
building.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD STANDS - CONTINUOUS
The football game is just minutes from kickoff. Champ has
practiced a few plays with the team. Paula, the beautiful
Pupfish and LUIS, the Blowfish, sit in the stands, cheering
and rooting for Champ. Paula and Luis have been friends of
Champ for a very long time.
PAULA
Oh, I hope he doesn't get hurt!
LUIS
Relax Paula! He has all the
confidence in the world.
PAULA
Well what about Leonard? I still
don't trust him.
LUIS
Him and Champ have had some trouble
in the past, but maybe he has
changed? It might happen.
PAULA
It might not either.
The ANNOUNCER comes over the speaker system.
ANNOUNCER
Let's play some football!

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS
The game is well into the second half, and Champ has yet to
get in the game. He sits at the end of the bench with his
head in his hands. He is kicking the dirt around on the
ground.
COACH WILLIS turns back at Champ, then rolls his eyes in
disgust.
COACH WILLIS
Come on Champ, you're in.
Champ looks up in amazement, and then jumps to his feet. He
starts to run out on the field forgetting his helmet.
COACH WILLIS
Helmet son, you're helmet!
CHAMP
Sorry Coach.
Champ runs back and grabs his helmet and glances up at Paula
and Luis who are now on their feet cheering for Champ. Champ
then runs out onto the field strapping on his helmet.
The Announcer comes back over the speaker system.
ANNOUNCER
Now entering for the Barracudas
is...BAIT?
AUDIENCE
(laughter and giggling)
Champ stops before he gets to the huddle and glances back
across the lettering on his jersey. His jersey name says
"BAIT" instead of "CHAMP". Champ then turns back toward the
huddle, where Leonard and his gang are laughing or rolling
their eyes. Champ's face turns to a stern, confident look
and he jogs into the huddle.
CHAMP
It doesn't matter what you do. I
am still going to play football.
LEONARD
Good, because this one is coming
right to you. So don't screw it
up.
The referee blows the whistle as the barracudas come out of
the huddle. Champ lines up as the wide receiver to the
right. The cornerback that is guarding him just looks and
smirks, then steps back and crosses his hands in a relaxed
position.
Leonard hikes the ball and throws a quick pass to Champ who
catches the ball. Champ turns to see the cornerback guarding
him just standing there. In the background Champ see Coach
Willis and the rest of the sideline team pointing for Champ
to go the opposite direction.
Champ turns around and runs 30 yards to the end zone dropping
the ball and throwing his hands in the air. Suddenly the
crowd goes quiet, and then abruptly turns to laughter.
ANNOUNCER
It looks as though our team has
scored...for the opposite team!
Champ runs off the field toward the locker rooms. Paula
grabs him in an attempt to stop him from running.
PAULA
Champ!
Champ turns and looks at her before turning back and running
into the boys locker rooms.

INT. LOCKER ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Champ is in the locker room sitting with his head down on the
bench. His nose is runny and he has been crying.
He hears the cheers from the game, which tells him they have
won. He is still upset at the fact that he was embarrassed
by the entire team, including the coach.
CHAMP
Forget it. I won't ever be an
athlete...at least not at this
school.
Champ hears the football team heading back into the locker
room. Champ quickly wipes his runny nose with his hand and
turns his back to the door, just as they come in.
(cheering and chatter)
Leonard walks up behind Champ and pushes him into the
lockers.
LEONARD
Way to go Champ! We would have had
a shutout, but you had to help them
out.
Champ turns around to look Leonard in the face. He doesn't
have the courage to say anything because the other teammates
gather around Leonard.
LEONARD
Give it up wimp. You'll never be a
Barracuda as long as...
A teammate speaks up for Champ.
JEFF - TEAMMATE
Hey. Take it easy on the little
guy.
Leonard and the others turn around to the lone teammate.
LEONARD
Whatever man! Are you on his side?
JEFF - TEAMMATE
No..I was just..
LEONARD
Forget it, he doesn't matter. He's
just a Salmon...and we're
Barracuda's!
One of the teammates slaps Jeff on the back of the head with
their dorsal fin. He turns to smack one of them hitting
Leonard in the back of the head instead. Leonard angrily
turns at them but they are all looking innocent. Jeff's eyes
slowly turn to look at Leonard.
LEONARD
Get him boys!
The other teammates grab the outspoken teammate and carry him
out of the locker room. They are joking and giggling on the
way out.
LEONARD
(off screen)
Let's celebrate our victory and
Champ, our scorer for the other
team!
They storm out as Coach Willis walks in from the main doors
leading back to the field.
COACH WILLIS
Well, well. I'm surprised you're
still here after that display.
Champ looks up at Coach Willis. You can tell he wants to
release his anger, but will not stand up to him.
COACH WILLIS
That's what I thought. Face it
kid, you have no place on this
team. And you never will, so long
as I am coach.
CHAMP
Don't worry! I'm outta this crappy
town. I should have known that
you, father of the quarterback,
wouldn't let someone come in and
take the attention from his son.
Coach Willis slowly moves over Champ, covering Champ in his
shadow.
COACH WILLIS
You never could take his attention.
Neither could your daddy back when
we were in school. You're just
like your old man.
Coach Willis walks to his office inside the locker room and
closes the door behind him. Champ turns back towards his
locker and continues to undress.
Champ has his jersey off and starts to head out of the locker
room.
CHAMP
(to himself)
I don't have any friends here
anyway. There's no reason for me
to stay.
Champ walks out and slams the door behind him. Coach Willis
leans back in his chair to peak out at the noise, then rocks
back in his chair, finishing his conversation on the phone.
Luis who was hiding in a dark corner, steps out. Luis heard
the entire conversation.

mttjss
12-21-2004, 04:54 PM
EXT. JUST OUTSIDE OF BUSCHFIELD - NIGHT
Champ in just outside of town, beyond the city lights. His
face shows the sadness but determined look of his new found
independence. Suddenly champ hears a familiar voice from
behind him.
LUIS
(wheezing)
CHAMP! CHAMP! Hey...wait up!
Luis grabs Champ by the shoulder forcing him to stop.
LUIS
(continued)
Hey. What's going on?
Champ slowly begins to continue his walking.
CHAMP
I'm leaving that's what. No one
Seems to want me here anyway.
LUIS
Well if you're going then I am
coming too!
Champ is not overly excited about the idea, but he doesn't
want to be in unknown territory alone.
CHAMP
Fine. But don't think I am going
back. There is nothing for me
there.
LUIS
Not even Paula?
Champ pauses at what Luis says, but then continues on his
way. Luis catches back up and the two slowly fade out in the
distance.

EXT. DEEP BLUE WATERS - NIGHT
Champ and Luis are a few days from Buschfield and enjoying
their newly found freedom. With all their conversations they
have wandered into the deep dark waters.
LUIS
Hey Champ...I don't think we should
be here.
CHAMP
Relax Luis..what could go wrong?
They continue to travel deeper even though the water gets
darker and cooler. Champ and Luis start to feel the effects
of the cooler waters.
LUIS
It is getting cooler..maybe we
should go a different way.
CHAMP
The waters a little cooler...will
be fine.
Suddenly a trio of eels surround Luis and Champ. The eels
look rugged and not amused by Champ and Luis treading in
their territory.
They spark electricity at them, but just out of range of
hitting them. Luis recognizes them from a wanted poster back
in Buschfield. Luis and Champ slowly move back to back with
the Eels swimming around them.
LUIS
You know who these guys are don't
you? They're..they're..
EELS
We're those chaotic Eels you've
been hearin' about!
EEL 1
...and you guys are treadin' in our
area.
EEL 2
So what do ya gotta say for
yourselves?
Champ zips forward confronting the eels, almost head to head.
CHAMP
I don't need this, guys.
LUIS
(trembling)
Champ...what are you doing?
Champ looks like he is about to fight the Eels when Luis gets
scared and then blows up. Being a blowfish he looks gigantic
behind Champ. The Eels are suddenly surprised and turn and
swim off. Luis quickly releases back to his normal size as
Champ turns around.
CHAMP
Did you see them run? I never
thought I could scare someone so
easily!
They start to head off again following a trench to a town in
the distance. Luis rolls his eyes, but then plays along.
LUIS
Thanks Champ. You really acted
courageous back there.
CHAMP
Not a problem. Sometimes you have
to be brave to help out friends in
need.
Champ and Luis swim off talking about the Eel encounter.

EXT. THE SALTS - DAY
It has been several days later and champ and Luis come across
a town with a rickety old sign that says "the SALTS". The
town looks as if people left for ten or fifteen years and
then just decided to move back within the last few days.
Champ still has that focused look of discovering something
big and new. Luis however, seems tired, lonely and wanting
to go back to Buschfield. The two of them stop at a little
shop where an old crab sits outside with several youngsters
telling old "crab" tales to them.
OLD CRAB
...and that's how them sharks took
my leg! But I got away...
AUDIENCE
(ewwws and aaaahhhs)
Champ and Luis overhear this and decide to listen in on what
he has to say. Champ does not look amused.

EXT. THE SALTS - CONTINUOUS
The old crab continues with his story of the sharks and some
other folk tale stories that people have heard before.
Champ and Luis start to leave. The old crab then talks about
a recent sighting of the sharks:
OLD CRAB
Them sharks came right through
here. They had a pretty blue
Pupfish with em too. She seemed to
know she was in trouble.
Champ swings his head back around to hear.
CHAMP
That's Paula!
OLD CRAB
(continuing)
Rumor has it that she got lost out
in the Old Ship Galleys looking for
a couple of her friends. Now she
is being held by Monte Sharks!
AUDIENCE
(more ewwws and aaahhs)
Luis turns to talk to Champ. Champ has raced up to the old
crab demanding to know where they are keeping her.
CHAMP
Where? Where is she?
OLD CRAB
Calm down there youngin! She's
being held by them Monte
Sharks...down by that Great White
Cave.
LUIS
Hey Champ, I think we should...
By this time Champ has already swam off in search of Paula.
Luis catches up to him.
LUIS
Hey...hey! What are we gonna do?
CHAMP
I'm not sure...but I have to save
her.
LUIS
Then I'm with you!
Champ and Luis head off to rescue Paula from the Monte
Sharks.

EXT. DEEP BLUE WATERS - CONTINUOUS
Champ and Luis are out searching for Paula in a deep trench.
From behind a figure starts to move up on them. Luis freezes
at the sight of the large shadow growing across champ. Champ
does not even realize anything is going on.
Just then Leonard jumps out to scare them.
LEONARD
Wassup!
The rest of Leonard's gang follows closely behind them.
CHAMP
What do you guys want?
LUIS
How did you find us here?
Leonard and his gang move around Champ and Luis enclosing
them in a circle. Luis looks threatened, but Champ seems
confident as if he is ready to take on an army.
LEONARD
It's easy. We have been following
you for hours now, and we are gonna
find Paula ourselves.
Luis is watching all the players around him. Champ and
Leonard are now face to face.
CHAMP
We never said anything about Paula.
How did you know she was missing?
LEONARD
(chuckling)
Because we made a fool of you. We
got her to watch the game, and told
her that you would make a big scene
in the game.
LUIS
She knew he was playing cause she
wanted to see him! She never knew
you were behind it.
Leonard pushes Luis back into the other guys.
LEONARD
No joke sidekick. She never knew
even afterwards. We told her,
"Bait" here made a fool of himself
and was embarrassed. We told her
that he left and didn't want her
following him.
Champ swings at Leonard instantly dropping him to the ground.
Leonard's gang pulls Champ back and holds him. Leonard gets
up to fight and Champ breaks loose charging him. The two of
them are in a heated battle when they hear a familiar voice.
PAULA
(off screen - in the
distance)
HELP ME!
(screams)
CHAMP
PAULA!
Leonard takes a dirty swing with Champ not looking, hitting
him across the face. Champ falls to the ground. Leonard
gets up and starts to walk away.
LEONARD
This ain't over yet loser!
The other guys follow Leonard as he heads towards Paula's
voice.
LUIS
Come on Champ, we gotta save her.
Champ regains his composure and the two of them run off to
rescue her.

EXT. GREAT WHITE CAVE. - CONTINUOUS
Champ and Luis come upon the Great White Cave, home of the
Monte Sharks. They start to enter slowly, just as one of the
football teammates come running out. He is banged up and
frantic.
TEAMMATE
Don't go in there! They're all in
trouble!
Luis stops Champ once again.
LUIS
Wait a minute Champ. You heard
him.
CHAMP
She needs us Luis. I can't let
them hurt her.

INT. GREAT WHITE CAVE. - CONTINUOUS
Once inside they find several of the teammates have been
roughed up by the great white shark. The shark is four times
the size of Leonard, and even bigger compared to Champ.
The Shark looks as if he has seen the rough waters for some
time and has chunks of skin missing and old injuries to prove
it.
Leonard is on the ground and looks unconscious. Paula is
trapped behind the shark and is too scared to try and escape.
The shark looks ready to attack Paula.
Champ leaps at the shark in a confident rage, knocking the
enormous shark backwards. Champ turns to see the other
players take this as a chance to flee. Luis watches as they
run away followed by Leonard who was playing "possum".
Champ is ducking and zagging from the sharks attacks as if he
is a professional boxer. The shark tries to slam Champ into
the wall. Champ moves, sending the shark into the wall
instead. Champ seems to avoid multiple attacks by the shark
and the shark starts to slow down.
CHAMP
I think I got him! He's tiring
down!
Just the shark whips his tail slamming Champ to the ground.
Paula makes a break for it and rushes behind a rock with
Luis. Luis then comes out from behind the rock.
LUIS
Get up Champ! You've made it this
far! You aren't losing now.
Champ looks at Luis but seems dazed. Luis' voice has focused
his attention now on Luis and Paula.
LUIS
Uh oh.
Just then Champ grabs the shark by his tail.
CHAMP
Not so fast big guy!
The shark turns his attention back on Champ. Champ grins and
jumps back to his feet. The shark jumps at Champ, but once
again Champ moves sending the shark into the walls. Champ
turns to see the rest of the team minus Leonard are back,
ready to help out.
Champ is speared by the shark from behind sending him about
ten feet forward close to Luis and Paula. The rest of the
players all attack the shark at once from all different
angles. Paula and Luis rush to Champs side.
PAULA/ LUIS
CHAMP!
PAULA
Champ! Are you hurt!
Champ is injured, but still aware. All three of them turn
their attention on the battle. The shark has blows coming
from the players and quickly feels defeat. He swims off into
the blackness of the cave. Champ then collapses back to the
ground.
PAULA/ LUIS
CHAMP!

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY
The stands are filled again with all the people of the town.
Today they are celebrating a parade though in honor of Champ
and his brave rescue. Champ, Paula and Luis are atop the
main float of the parade. Leonard and his other teammates
have been chosen to pull the main float this year.
The Announcer comes across the speaker system.
ANNOUNCER
Welcome Champ and his friends! A
little fish with a big heart!
AUDIENCE
(cheers and hoorays)

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS
Only a couple hours later and Champ, Paula, and Luis are on
the sidelines watching the team in their final practice of
the year. Coach Willis walks over to the three of them.
COACH WILLIS
Hey the hero. Sorry for all the
trouble I gave you the other day.
I really could use a warrior like
you.
Champ looks at Paula, then back at Coach Willis.
CHAMP
Thanks Coach.. But I think I am
gonna pass. After all that has
happened..football just doesn't
seem to be for me.
Coach Willis gently nods his head, then walks back towards
the team. Paula grabs Champ and gives him a very intense
kiss. Seeing this Luis feels that it takes a big adventure
to win over a girls heart.
Luis swims off and then returns with a football uniform on.
He runs out on the field with Coach Willis giving him a very
awkward look. On the first play Luis runs out for a pass.
He manages to catch it, but then ends up on the sidelines
crashing over the water cooler and tables. Champ and Paula
laugh and then Luis joins in with them.
FADE TO BLACK.

THE END

malcolmvexxed
12-24-2004, 10:56 PM
i'll read this over later for ya. any chance of posting a notepad attachment or something?

mttjss
12-27-2004, 02:15 PM
thanks malcolm - I'll have to see if I can find a way to attach as a notepad or word document. I tried before but it says the file was too big. any idea how to make it smaller to post..zip maybe?


any other critques or comments anyone? Like I said, it was a school assignment just for class..nothing bigger.

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